How do you feel about that?

I heart the Book of James

2009-11-07T01:10:00.002-06:00

Today on facebook I saw two people put James 1:27 as their status so it was just rolling around in my mind all day. This passage says: "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." ---ESV

I started thinking...Orphans? Where are they?
I recalled that a friend of mine has a friend that is opening an orphanage in Africa. Its for abandoned babies. I think my dream would be to sit and rock babies all day and love them so I was like wow maybe I should go there and volunteer....in Africa??? Then I was like, you know, Africa is kind of far. My mind recalled other friends that have gone to orphanages on the Mexican American border or in Mexico city and I thought about googling those. But Mexico is kind of far too. I felt stumped....I think there is an orphanage in DesPlaines illinois...Like a home for troubled teenagers or something. But would the CTA take me there? I didnt think so. Orphans...how can I love and care for the orphans? I dont have enough money to sponsor a child like on the infomercials, and that feels like drive by charity to me. I was like God, I want to serve you as the bible says. Then I remembered the girls that come into Sunshine. I remembered one in particular. I met her on the street in front of my work as she ran from her cousin and right into my legs. Her cousin was yelling that "she was bad and because she was so bad thats why she had to live with her auntie, because her mom didnt want her and dont nobody know who her daddy is." That day my heart wrapped itself all around this little girl.

I think we all know orphans in all of our communities. Some kids dont have a mom, lots of kids dont have a dad. Some kids do have one of these parents physically, but emotionally? spiritually?

Dictionary.com defines orphan as:
a child who has lost both parents through death, or, less commonly, one parent
but it also goes on to say an orphan is also:
a person or thing that is without protective affiliation, sponsorship,
and also:
not authorized, supported, or funded; not part of a system; isolated; abandoned:

I know of whole communities that look orphaned. Lets redefine orphan. That word just broadened and encompassed a vast majority of children I see everyday.
Maybe I dont need to get all radical, maybe God didnt always mean for us to make these grand sweeping gestures of religion but to just put our hearts and feet into the neighborhood.

And a quick sidenote: When does one stop being an orphan? Are you no longer an orphan when you are 18, even if the consequences and repercussions last far into adulthood?

Caring for the orphans? It looks alot like loving your neighbor right about now.
I like how Jesus said the same thing like 77 different ways so everyone could get it.

Read the rest of James too...Its amazing.

I love you too.

2009-10-14T15:54:00.004-05:00

I got quite a few emails sent to me today discussing Obama and how he is passing legislation for gay people in America that allows them to be in the military openly now. People are incensed apparently. Apparently also:
"Good christians will respond" and "Obama is furthering the attack on American families" and on and on. Yes, I voted for obama. Yes I like him. I dont think he is Jesus, nor is he the Anti Christ. Below includes an email reply to one of these emails. I would like to repeat that in following Jesus, there are more things to worry about than those women who have abortions and those who are living gay. I love all women who do have abortions. I love all people who are gay.And I love you, no matter what you did, because you too have done horrible things. I have too.

I guess my thoughts on this are what if we were all so heavily persecuted for our sins as much as gay people? What if because I lied, or swore or had sex outside of marriage I couldnt enjoy the same privileges as others? Everyone has sin. We are all filthy dirty and hopeless outside of the cleansing and restoring power of Christ. Im not anti so many things, but for things, like for grace and mercy and love. I understand conviction of sin, but plenty of other sinners are walking around us all the time and we arent horrified at their lifestyles, they are not so completely denigrated as homosexuals are. We arent running campaigns against child abusers, or adulterers who also are "attacking the institution of family." I love the fact that whoever sent that email originally put that "being gay does not make you another race or gender" and I would add that does not make you in a sin so horrible that Jesus cannot wash you clean by his death on the cross as quickly and completely as He washed me.

Right now,daily I am working on the fact that i should be horrified at my own inability to reach the bar of perfection and thus on my knees in gratitude for Jesus. That doesnt leave SO much time to be horrified at others actions, and desire to limit their actions and freedoms.

Jesus came for the sinners.

(thats all of us)

I really want to graduate college.

2009-10-02T12:54:00.003-05:00

My dream is to graduate college. Seriously. I honestly never really thought I could do it. I was so convinced that it wasnt something I could attain that it took until I was 26 to even begin to think about HOW to apply for school and HOW to finance it. I'm sure I went about it the wrong way and maybe made some stupid decisions with my aid BUT I DID IT. Alone. My mom didnt go to college...most of my family, save a few cousins half way across the country, did not attend college so they werent sure how to navigate a process like that. Most of my friends didnt go to college. I tell you this to show you its a miracle I went, am still going and actually have one year left. Really, it was not until this quarter, or maybe the end of last quarter when I realized that I really was most likely going to graduate.

I have all aid. All. My education is funded by a tapestry of grants, and awards, a scholarship, and 2 smallish loans from the government. One grant I receive is a MAP (monetary aid program) grant from the state of Illinois. Mostly, MAP grants go to students who come from low income households or who are first generation college students.

This past month, MAP grants were all but cut. This has not affected fall quarter/semester but it will affect the rest of the year at all colleges in Illinois. The next quarter grants will be reduced by 50% and the spring quarters will be non existent.

I am one of 137,000 students in Illinois that will lose a significant portion of their aid if the state legislature doesnt overturn the decision in their meeting at the end of October. The portion of tuition I would be responsible for is beyond my means and I will be forced to withdraw from DePaul after this quarter.

Can you take a minute and help let our reps know the impact this will have on students?

Call
Senator James A. DeLeo (773) 237-2525
Rep. Joseph M. Lyons (773) 286-1115
Rep. Michael P. McAuliffe (773) 792-0749

Please tell them how important the MAP grant program is to college
students, particularly those from low income backgrounds and first generation college students. Your calls, letters, faxes and e-mails can make a difference.

Please visit the following website: http://capwiz.com/naicu/il/home/ for more information on how to contact your state representative today.

Thank you for responding....

lord of the flies.....

2009-10-02T10:39:00.002-05:00

But the 1980s crack era and Reagan administration reversals of many of those very minimal gains [civil rights] destroyed the fabric of our communities, ripped apart families, and, all these years later, has left a generation of young people, male and female alike, living their own versions of William Golding's Lord of The Flies. If you think I am exaggerating, then simply Google the video of the Derrion Albert beatdown. Only people who have lost all hope, who have no sense of spirituality and the preciousness of human life, would resort to this kind of savagery, the pummeling or shooting of each other until death is there, sprawled on the ground, blood gushing from the head, as was the case with young Derrion.

---Kevin Powell

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kevin-powell/chicago-obama-the-olympic_b_307564.html

throwing yourself on the honesty grenade

2009-10-02T00:11:00.004-05:00

I have trouble sharing - not like my toys, or money, or hugs, or my car. But sharing whats going on with me. Fortunately, people are very busy with their lives and I can be shy so ne'er the two shall meet. I read this post tonight on another blog and was like Yes! The gift of going second. . . . .

Have you ever been in a small group with people that confess safe sins? Someone will say, “I need to be honest with everyone tonight. I need to have full disclosure and submit myself in honesty. Like ODB from the Wu-Tang Clan, I need to give it to you raw!” So you brace yourself for this crazy moment of authenticity and the person takes a deep breath and says … “I haven’t been reading my Bible enough.”

Yeah, thats happened to me.

Ugh, you, dirty, dirty sinner. I’m not even sure I can be in a small group with you any more. Not reading your Bible enough, that is disgusting. And then once he’s gone someone else will catch the safe sin bug too and will say, “I need to be real too. I haven’t been praying enough.”

Two of you in the same room? Wow, freak shows! I can barely stand it.

yep.

But what happens when people start confessing safe sins is that everyone else in the room starts concealing their real junk.

thats deep. and real.
And that sucks. It sucks that as broken as we all are, as desperate as we all are for a Savior, we feel compelled to clean ourselves up when we get around each other.
As if we arent all filthy dirty and so incredibly desperate for the cleanliness of Christ.

I cant keep up appearances. I try to all the time...I try to take my bad stuff and clean it up and store it away, or convince myself that people dont know that or cant see it.

This world/People like you more if you are all pretty, and neat, and not needy but concealed.
But so what?
So what if people know I am scared, and i feel broken and alone alot.
So what if my brokenness bleeds out at the edges the harder I try to hold it in.

Letting it all hang out may be the first step to God healing it.

When you go first, you give everyone in your church or your community or your small group or your blog, the gift of going second.

It’s so much harder to be first. No one knows what’s off limits yet and you’re setting the boundaries with your words. You’re throwing yourself on the honesty grenade and taking whatever fall out that comes with it. Going second is so much easier. And the ease only grows exponentially as people continue to share. But it has to be started somewhere. Someone has to go first and I think it has to be us.

We’re called to give the gift of second to the people in our lives. To live the truth, to share the truth, to be the truth.

Now I just have to pray for courage....

(quotes taken from stuffchristianslike.com #502)

"Jesus paid it all...
All to him I owe...
Sin it left a crimson stain...
He washed it white as snow..."

Is health care a luxury for those who can afford it?

2009-09-27T18:09:00.000-05:00

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

Sticks and stones will break your bones, but the Lord is good forever.

2009-09-26T22:28:00.004-05:00

Love.
Everyone throws that word around.
I paint paintings with that word.
People have keyrings, tattoos, shirts, bags, shoes, coffee mugs all emblazoned repeatedly with the word LOVE.
It kind of takes away the seriousness and passion of the act of love.
Act of love = Love is a verb.

What did Jesus mean when he said we are to LOVE our enemies?

The NIV says:
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you Matthew 5:44

The King James goes on:
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; Matthew 5:44

This week I was um, blessed, to be able to learn exactly how hard and how necessary it is to, in fact, love our enemies.

It was just a crazy day...Groups of kids were playing football right in the street in front of my work, Sunshine Gospel Ministries. Right in the middle of 61st St, which is a busy street, they were standing there and tossing the football back and forth and holding up traffic. They would move after like two or three cars were stopped on each side. BOLD AS LIONS, for real. Three different times, guys from Sunshine went out to try to get the kids to move, it wasnt really happening. About an hour later, I went out to get in my car to leave. As I pulled out a drove a few feet and BAM! My car got pelted by rocks. I slammed on my brakes out of surprise at the sound and that these young teenagers were just standing there...in a group. STILL throwing rocks at my car as I looked at them. One flew in the open passenger window and hit me. I pulled over and got out. What's going on, I asked. Some of the guys ran away. I called two of the young guys out by their name, for they had just walked out of the ministry center, and said, "Why you throwing rocks at me?" The two I knew stammered that it wasnt them, pleaded with me to understand it wasnt them. They dropped the rocks they were holding. The other boys came back, rocks in hand. They all just looked at me, then started throwing rocks at the buses and passing cars as I talked to the two kids I know. I said, "Whats the point, why is this what you want to do?" They had no answers. One guy turned and swore at me and told me what was the point of me? Go away and threw a rock at me. I froze as it hit me. He walked closer and said, "What you gonna do?" His friends seemed a little shocked and backed up, one told me to hit him. He laughed and asked me if I was going to, then he dared me to. Im not gonna lie, I sized him up. But I did one better, I walked away. He hit me a rock as I walked back to my car. I picked up my phone and called 911 and as I pulled back about 10 feet to the front of Sunshine Min. he hit my car with two more rocks. I told 911 that the kids are in the street, hitting me and cars with rocks. Twenty minutes later...no one came. I called again, and again over the next ten minutes. Ok, we will send someone.
Im not new to this...sometimes the police dont come. I get it. Sometimes they come like one, two or three hours later. I know. But this was hard....
The kids walked back and forth across the street intermittenly pegging cars and buses with rocks and running in the street, but all the time watching me and another guy waiting outside. Another call to the cops from the guy waiting with me. We finally flagged a passing police vehicle down and tell them what happened. The kids are still right there, we point. The kid that hit me and my car was wearing a different color shirt then all the rest of the guys. They genuinely seemed completely disinterested in my situation but drove SLOWLY down the street. The kid splits off from the group and runs into an alley. The police, driving their fancy new "urban tactical SUV", slowly follow his path into an alley. About four minutes later the kid comes running out from a gangway and walks past us waiting outside and he joins up with his group walking down the street. The cops appear minutes later and in plain sight the kid hops on a bicycle and rides down another alley. They dont chase him but pull over and get out to come talk to us. The one officer asks me if I want to file a battery charge, but lets me know its all but pointless since we dont have his name or address or anything. As another man from my work comes out and talks to the cops about the regularity of these instances on this street, with these kids, doing these things I just walk to my car and leave.

Powerlessness. Futility. Embarassment. All of these flood over me and I was so incensed, it took HOURS for me to calm down. Trying to work through these feelings, I realized that at the pit of all of these was fear. I had no recourse of action, no justice would be served here, and this kid NOW knew where I worked and which car I drive and could come back anytime. And it was more than obvious the cops were not overly concerned. I drove to the west side, had dinner, made some pies, and came home. Just as my stomach had finally unknotted and I was thinking about other things, the dad in the house I live in came home. He is also the head of Sunshine ministry. "We just got robbed," he said . Someone got in and stole laptops, desktop computers,the sound equipment, and then set off the fire extinguishers everywhere.

My stomach knotted up immediately. I couldnt sleep very much. Anger and confusion again, and I replayed the actions from earlier with the ideas of people taking the stuff we use to teach kids and minister with. Then, the Lord showed up mighty. He quieted me and gave me His peace, as only he can give.

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

Jesus came to earth. People hated Him, they chose to kill Him instead of a common criminal. He still willingly died for our sins, because of Love.
If I only love those who can and do love me back, have I done anything? If you give me flowers, and I love you....Have I endured? Have I taken up my cross? No.
To do the work of the Lord is hard. This is real. I tried to pray for that kid a few times that night but couldnt. I was weak. It took until the next day, after we had cleaned and I sat on the floor to pray with a few friends/ fellow believers/coworkers to pray until I could utter a few words asking God for the strength to forgive him, and to make me love him, and when I see him and his friends as I know I will, I asked and still ask God for the courage and the boldness to hold NO grudge..but to love him as Jesus loves and forgives me. This whole thing wasnt even about me, and I dont want to make it about me. This kid is sad and lost and angry, so angry. As I know all too well, hurting people hurt people. Ive done it...countless times. I just got in his way. I hope the Lord puts me in his way again.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! When we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son.
Romans 5:6-10

God loved me, even when I didnt love him. So thankful am I.

Two situations....

2009-09-24T13:25:00.005-05:00

i know. Its been months.....Ive been stewing on some things, I'll give an update soon but first this has been all up in my head the past few days and I've got to put it down here.

My car is old and sad. Last week, it kept dying. It would start the first time in the morning but if I stopped anywhere shortly after starting it up (i.e. to get a donut, to get gas, to run into Sunshine..etc) it would not restart as the battery was not charged or some craziness. It had to sit for awhile between startings... So sometimes I forgot and would stop places and shut the car off and then OHHH SARAH! Really? Yep. Thats the background you need for this story.....and I always have jumper cables.

I left home (currently the South side, Woodlawn neighborhood) and drove to get on the expressway to go to my grandmas house. There is a gas station in Englewood right next to the entrance to the expressway. I had to stop to put air in my tire and shut my car off without thinking. It would not start back up, I needed a jump. I put my hood up and within seconds a man approached me. Do you need help? "Yes, I need a jump, I have my own cables, " I said nervously. I hate HATE hate asking for help, I know its a weakness but having people help still me makes me uncomfortable. A woman at the gas station overheard me tell him I needed a jump and she asked if I was ok. I said yes thanks. The gas station owner recognized me as I stop there often and came out to see if I was cool. The man took my cables and hooked up our batteries but still my car would not start. He kept tinkering with my car and the cables but my car would not turn over. He pulled out his phone and called someone, "Im sorry man, Im gonna be a little late today." IT WAS HIS WORK! I told him it was fine, go ahead, Ill figure it out, etc but he just kept adjusting the cables and told me to try to start it again. Finally, he pinched some cable thingy and it started. He told me what exactly I should get fixed and then sent me on my way. I was so thankful, I had tears in my eyes. He drove away and waved. The gas station guy came out and double checked on me again. I drove away feeling blessed.

I went to my grandmothers house on the far North side of the city. In the morning I went to get some soup from a bakery in a strip mall in Skokie. Guess what? My car wouldnt start. I was so sick and I couldnt imagine having to deal with this right now. I got my cables out and put my hood up. This was a busy outdoor shopping mall, it was Saturday, a beautiful day...I thought my chances were pretty good of getting some assistance. Two women walked over who were parked directly next to my car. I sighed with relief, their car was right next to me! I greeted them and pointed to my car and said it was dead and I needed a jump. I had my own cables and could they help me? The woman looked at me and my car, and said "I dont Do that, honey." As she actually brushed past me, I stammered that it would take like 30 seconds, I was very fast and she could sit in the car. She and her friend got in and drove away. I asked a man that was parked close, he did not even stop walking but instead mumbled that he was in a hurry. I asked another lady, a man and woman, a guy...NO,not today,you should call Triple A, Im in a hurry, I can't. Ok I started crying.....I felt so sick, I had a fever, What was I going to do? All these shiny cars, a patio of people drinking coffee about fifteen feet away, and no one was able to let me jump my car. I asked one more lady and she FLAT out ignored me. Then, a rusted old van lumbered past me. I just watched it go. It circled the parking lot and drove past slowly. I was standing there with jumper cables around my shoulders. They stopped and both climbed out the passenger side door. They did not speak very good English but gestured to my car and said "Help?" I nodded and they pulled as close to my car as they could but my cables wouldnt reach. They had some cables and they rigged it up and jumped my car. I was so touched.

So heres the thing....
In the first situation, I was in a poor neighborhood. Older cars, people in hard up situations. Not everyone has a car, most people, I would venture to say, use public transportation. People were stopping in getting gas and then on their way.
In the second situation, I was in a very wealthy area. The cars in this parking lot were nice, shiny, mostly brand new or a few years old. They people were dressed nicely and were either frequenting the coffee shop, bookstore, bakery, party store or sandwich shop--- so leisure activities on a Saturday morning.

Why was it that no one in the second situation could help me? Race/Ethnicity was not a factor here. As a sociologist, I thought about the variables and constant factors. African American/Black and Hispanic was represented in both situations. The persons of an ethnic minority were no more willing to help in the second situation. So race/ethnicity was a constant. The people that did help in second situation were of either polish or russian decent so visibly white, but minority nonetheless. The only variable was economic class affiliation.

I was trying to grasp this...I went in academic/sociological circles with this unplanned foray into culture of help based on class affiliation. I came to the conclusion that perhaps people of a lower economic/poor background could empathize/understand with my problem and my situation because they have been there....stranded, no help. So for you all reading this who dont know what I just said,,,,People who have little or no money UNDERSTOOD what it was like to need help of someone else to get by. They were able to empathize as perhaps they have been stuck in some way. People who had money to spare, could not empathize with me so did not care. If something breaks and you have the money, its no big deal. A man in situation 2 told me to call Triple A for a jump. Yeah, because I can afford that.

In my Health Disparities class, we are discussing how being low income contributes to a constant level of stress because you know if something breaks, goes wrong, get ill...you do not have the resources to remedy it. So, knowing that reality in your own life you perhaps are more willing to lend a hand to someone else? I mean I have always thought that, but here is an experiment to back up my hypothesis.

So on to the biblical application and lessons learned....There is a verse that says it is harder for a rich man to get into heaven than it is for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle. So many interpretations of that verse....I have heard it used to justify a prejudice against the wealthy, I have heard it used as a reason people should give more/everything to the church, etc but I saw a whole new light to this verse after this situation. Perhaps, money makes a buffer, creates a division...I mean money gives you this security that in this situation, did not allow people to understand or come to my level and help. Money makes you feel independent and infallible, it empowers you and lessens your need. Money can make you proud. All these things are roadblocks on the way to deep relations with God, our Father, and Jesus Christ, our savior and God's son. Perhaps, Jesus was not condemning the rich for being rich but warning against the ability of money to harden our hearts and separate us from others and Himself. Im no preacher or superior exegetical bible scholar (im a woman after all...ITS FUNNY CMON)but i just felt God teaching me something with all this. This was a long post. Its nice to be back.

It's ok to put the Bible down and do something.

2009-04-27T23:41:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NGx2sGM1aw

God is an artist.

2009-04-22T21:23:00.003-05:00

conversation between my grandma and I at 9:23 pm April 22, 2009

Grandma: "Oh yes, today was earth day. Did you know?
Sarah: "yeah, I don't care."

That was the inspiration for this blog. earth day? Really? One day a year people do environmentally friendly things and apparently a bunch of students at DePaul get together and make neon green shirts in the students center and then pass out condoms on campus. ( some skater kids were using them as ninja stars and hit me as I walked by)

Want to celebrate earth day right? Read Genesis. and then tell everyone that God created the earth, not science, not a bang of some epic proportions, and that God thinks it sucks when you crap all over his creation for your benefit. He also probably thinks it sucks when people don't acknowledge that He made the earth, the heavens, you, your mom, and everything else you take for granted.

Praise the Lord.
Everyday.
Sometimes just for making the earth.

Genesis 1
The Beginning
1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
2 Now the earth was [a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

6 And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." 7 So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. 8 God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

9 And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. 10 God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.

14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.

The moon is the only light I see.

2009-04-16T23:32:00.005-05:00

not even... Its cloudy tonight.

Anyway, I really had a bad day today. A long bad day. Crazy things happened, people were out of hand all day and night. Even my dog made me mad.....
I got home and someone sent me this link. This is one of my favorite songs ever, done by street musicians (another thing I love) all over the world. I didnt smile, but I did forget about today for five minutes and eighteen seconds.

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2539741

you gonna need somebody.....

(i failed at making it a link. Cut and paste it into your browser.)

one fish, two fish, new fish, blue fish

2009-04-06T19:45:00.004-05:00

community.

My friend has this huge fish tank and one shark in it. A little one. So for his birthday I decided to get him some fish. I went to the pet store and talked to the lady. I wanted cute fish, she seemed confused but showed me some she thought could be considered "cute." She kept telling me I had to get three of all the ones I liked. I thought maybe she was swindling me, you know trying to get me to buy more...Then she explained that the ones I liked were "community fish" which meant they need other fish around them. I gave her a look. She said no, really, these fish need to be in groups of at least three or they get stressed out and then die. She pulled out a chart and showed me how each fish lives etc. The cute likable fish all needed to swim in groups, thus community fish. I was concerned about the shark eating the fish. The petstore lady said that the shark will not mess with community fish...as long as they are in a group. It will only pick off fish that swim alone. The community provides safety as well.

What a lesson! I like to swim alone, but is that what is best for me? No. No man is an island. When we are alone, we can be picked off by the shark (temptation, sin, lust, greed, satan,etc). We all need community to keep us safe, keep our stress levels down and swim with us. Its funny how God keeps reinforcing the specific lessons I need to learn. even in the petstore.

God is Sovereign

2009-03-31T23:55:00.004-05:00

i was really anxious today. I am prone to panicky-ness. Today was bad.Real bad. Scary bad.

For the past two days, I have had this knot in my chest of worry or nervousness,(for those of you that really know me i have been shaking my hands continuously and searching for my inhaler).....for many reasons.
This blog is not about why.
This blog is about who.

God.

No matter what I did today, I couldnt rest. I tried to pray, i read the bible, i called a friend (alas, the wrong friend), i laid in bed, I took a long shower, i painted, i went to work a little late,i stopped at two friends houses, i pet my dog, i pet my cat, i walked around, i cried, i paced, i drove, i worked, i sang, i counted to five, NOTHING... it was real bad.

I was on my way home and I stopped at Michaels Art store to get something for a project I am working on for my friend, and as I pulled out onto the street I was totally blinded. TOTALLY. It had just stopped raining really hard and as I turned my car onto the street the sun blasted me in the face. The gloom was still there from the heavy storm but the brilliant setting sun angled through and completely blinded me. It was the weirdest sun I have ever seen. The dark ominous clouds had not cleared at all but in the middle and over the top was this bright yellow orange fire which was dissipating it all. I was struck, overcome, halted, I dont know if I kept driving or not. The sight was beautiful and so brilliant. the word brilliant is not magnificent enough for me to communicate how breathtakingly amazing this was to experience and behold. I eventually kept driving but i remember thinking "this is too beautiful to be of this world." "How great is our God" "This is what it will look like when Christ comes back"
I thought momentarily, Christ had come back....This amazing shower, no tidal wave of relief flooded over me and I cried out "jesus. please"
that was my prayer.
that was it.
I found myself hoping that was true.
I wanted it to be over, this life.....I wanted jesus here now.
In a split second, i felt the relief that would bring; no more worry, no more pain, no more scared, no more alone, no more brokenness, no more trying every day just to fail, no more no more no more.

I kept driving.

as i turned down the next street I drove between two forest preserves and was stopped by 3 deer crossing the street. the last one stopped and looked back at me. i stopped and stared. I watched them enter the forest. I watched the one go to a stream and bend down to drink, its thick reddish brown furry tail flicking....

Heaven met earth. right there.

Praise God.

"I will praise God in this storm,
I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
These tears I cry
you hold in your hand
you never left my side
even though my heart is torn
i will praise You in this storm."
--Casting Crowns

sick...

2009-03-28T21:41:00.003-05:00

Every saturday I babysit for T and J. THey are my absolute favorite. I have babysat Jack since the day he was born and T for almost two years. Unending joy do they bring me. So cute and so well behaved, their parents teach me so much about marriage and parenting and family all the time. I love them all.

Tonight Jack threw up on me. Like all over me. And you know what, it was gross but not gross enough to care enough to put him down or stop comforting him in his sickness. I was holding him because he wasnt feeling so well all of a sudden and then he looked up at me, coughed once and spewed three times all over me and the couch. I was so concerned for him and how sick he was that I was not that grossed out. That is love.

I cant wait to have kids of my own and often wonder if I will be ready, if I will make a good mom, can I do it? And tonight, I smiled as I finally laid him in his bed after about half an hour of rocking and shhhhing and patting his back because I knew that although I dont know how, i will love my own children even more and be even less grossed out by their puke.

9000 dollars a year

2009-03-27T18:23:00.000-05:00

All you have to do is make a choice.

$8 could buy you 15 organic apples OR 25 fruit trees for farmers in Honduras to grow and sell fruit at their local market.

$30 could buy you an ER DVD Boxset OR a First Aid kit for a village in Haiti.

$73 could buy you a new mobile phone OR a new mobile health clinic to care for AIDS orphans in Uganda.

$2400 could buy you a second generation High Definition TV OR schooling for an entire generation of school children in an Angolan village.

I'm the 811,857,411 richest person on earth!

Discover how rich you are! >>

I am quitting the track team....

2009-03-26T15:30:00.003-05:00

I am a runner.
Not like in real life....I actually cant run at all.
How ironic! I broke both of my ankles and ripped all the tendons twice on each leg so I am basically unable to really run for extensive distances. I also trip 8 out of 10 times when going up the stairs because I cant flex my foot well in that way (plantar inflexion).

But relationally speaking, I am a huge fast long distance runner. Usually when people hurt me I pick up and leave. I walk away. Apparently, I'm like Cartman on South Park "Screw you guys, Im going home." But I dont just go home where you can find me, abstractly speaking I move and leave no forwarding address, I change my number and enter the witness protection program.

I learned this from a legacy of leaving, quitting, ignoring, stop talking to you, hanging up, "I hate you" and other things.

This is not a legacy I want to continue.

I want to hang up the running shoes and take off my number. Its not a race you ever win really. Its like a never ending relay.

I think I enter into community and friendship with one foot.

My friend last night told me that. I have done that a million times and honestly, I never thought about what that was doing to my friends. I just assumed that they didnt care really. When you get in a fight, its just over and thats that. When he told me that it made him sad and then he felt like he couldnt trust me to be there, my heart broke. I was so broke as all the people I have walked away from flooded my mind. Even today, a slow parade of people I have left have marched through my mind and pulled the strings of my heart. I never stopped to think they actually cared.I guess I thought of relationships ultimately as very temporary. If you have ever talked to me though, I am OBCESSED with people not leaving. I actually was shy to be friends with one of my friends right now because she has plans of moving to a foreign county in like 9 years. I wish I was kidding. My other friend plans to go to Columbia (the country, not the college) to be a missionary in a year and a half and as SOON as that person told me that I stopped calling them as much and it is TOTALLY the reason we are not that close now. I bet that sounds stupid.

Everytime someone walked away from me, it hurt and I hated it. I hated that feeling so much and it happened so incredibly often that somewhere in my teenage years I started deciding that I was not going to let that happen anymore. I laced up these running shoes and and took off as soon as I thought the other person was even contemplating leaving or taking a break from me. Did I think it hurt less if I left first?

It doesnt.

So I am walking on this new ground...I can see myself stepping onto it today. There are very few people there that I have my eye on and they are beckoning to me. As I step off the track and onto the soft green grass, fear courses through my blood and turns my stomach. I'm not looking away though. And I am going to keep walking.

Trust comes from being faithful. Faithfulness takes time to prove.
Like the waves of the ocean upon the sand......

There is no fear in love, perfect love casts out fear... John 4:18

I'm getting there.
There is so much I dont know.

Falling Stars.........

2009-03-23T14:32:00.002-05:00

Did you ever look around your life and realize it was crowded?
I feel like its time for a big PUSH.
A pushing away and out of my life.
Its crowded in here and Im getting claustrophobic.

What are you all doing in here anyway?
I'm checking motives and matching words and actions.
I feel like I played that "trust fall" game and lost.

(You know, where you trust the people behind you to catch you and then you close your eyes and fall? They play that for team building and work events and stuff. I was always the one that wouldnt volunteer to get up on that stool and fall back. Partly because I dont like for people I dont know that well to touch me. I think that was a wise choice though.)

You should be careful with who you trust.

Once you let them in, its hard to get them out.

Not because they wont go, but because it hurts.

Then you fortify the walls, build them up stronger.....

But the thing about walls is that they dont only keep people out, they keep me in.

Is in where I want to be?

Dogs can find pot and bombs, they should be able to find water.

2009-03-21T01:32:00.004-05:00

Ok so I not sure that there are televisions in the kingdom of heaven but if there are then they are turned to Lost. I dont watch tv usually, I am super busy and too smart to watch much beyond the Office and Greys anatomy but tonight my friend had a Lost marathon. I watched the first five-ish episodes and I got something to say about that.

There was this one scene that could be have been entitled "your guide to your new salvation" it was amazing. These two people, Jack and Kate, are sitting on a beach and the guy knows the girl did something real bad before they all got stuck on the island ok? got it? they are sitting there and she is like " I want to tell you what I did." And he turns to her and says he doesnt want to know. That was before. That was who she was before they got stranded on the island. He tells her that doesnt matter. What she did before does not matter. They have a new reality/life and basically they all died yesterday. That was so poignant because IT DOESNT matter who we were before Christ called us. I was messed UP.....believe me. Sometimes I feel like I have to tell people about that, like they have to know the worst about me to really know me. I have this problem where I tell people all the bad things about me all the time. WHY? I dont know. But those things dont matter.

I heard a sermon about this idea recently. The line that killed me was "Old Maps dont work in New land." You are in a new land being with Christ and you cant act out the same way you did. They way you gauge your life, the way you measure things, and look at people and get around ALL OF THAT changes once you know Christ. No longer can you look around you and see what the world is doing and be down with that. You are in a new land, a new place, reborn-- in a sense as a Christian. I remember being confused and weirded out by the newness and foreign feel of it all, so many changes.

Also, the girl Kate is amazing.I like her (she has trust issues....)because people screw her over and she still takes care of them. This old farmer man, who is her friend, turned her in for something and she still saves his life. Then wanted to make sure he still got his money reward for turning her in because she KNOW he needs it. Who could do that? NO one i know. Well, actually someone I know could, and did =jesus. He prayed for the people who crucified him as he was dying, "Lord forgive them they know not what they do." I need to get a grip, I dont forgive people for not calling me back or cutting me off in traffic sometimes. It puts it into perspective.

Then there is this lady whose husband died and she is just sitting off by herself on the beach-- not eating or drinking or doing anything. The doctor/leader/Jack guy goes and sits there next to her.
Thats it.
Just sits there and hands her some water. She doesnt flinch or answer him when he talks so he just sits there with her. All day. Sometimes, people just want someone there next to them. That scene was so powerful to me. He just sat there. She just stared. Eventually, she said a few words and drank some water. She was comforted and restored by his presence and his care to just sit. Sometimes, its easy to help and to do but so hard to just BE THERE.
Just sit and listen or allow your presence in a difficult time to speak.

The last rambling paragraph here was when jack was denying the fact that he was obviously supposed to lead the group and he runs off into the jungle. The crazy old guy with all the knives is doing something in the forest ( i think getting water?) and comes across Jack who is hiding and being a baby kind of. They talk a bit and the crazy old guy tells Jack that sometimes, people just need someone to tell them what to do, to organize and to lead. But then he goes on to say that you cant be a leader if you dont know where you are going!!!!!!!!!!! He gets up to leave and Jack wants to go with but the crazy old guy is like No buddy, you got to stay here (in the jungle) and finish what you started here. How many times have I tried to go with someone just because I didnt want to stay and work out my own issues? How many times have people come with me because they didnt want to work out their own issues? It takes a big man to be like nope, sit in your mess and work it out I dont need any company. That was such a selfless act that the crazy old guy did, he probably wanted help gathering water. He had to vision and discernment to know Jack had to work it out for himself, but he did come and sit with him first. And listen.

Find someone. Sit with them.
And then you should probably watch Lost.

Bombs over Baghdad, Sarah's version

2009-03-19T23:40:00.002-05:00

It sucks that the devil is smart. Temptation is not like things that you can slough off or scoff at. The devil KNOWS what you struggle with and he for sure comes at you with that from all sides.

Today he hit me with all the things I struggle with....It was so crazy and I couldnt believe it. I have really been at a new level in my walk with Christ, just praying alot and learning to stand on my faith. I can feel not only God's presence increasingly but the presence of evil. It feels like it swirling and circling around me just looking for a way in..........My heart is heavy and the hits wont stop coming. I am praying for some refuge.

spiritual warfare is not a joke.

pretty words.....

2009-03-16T12:05:00.002-05:00

One of my friends did something that hurt me. It was something repeated and deliberate. It involved time and a total violation of my trust. I am so angry. In all actuality, I only get angry for one reason = because I am hurt.

This past week I have been praying for this friend. Even when I dont want to, I force out a tight lipped request for God to heal my heart and allow grace and love to pour forth from God onto this friend.

Also, I have been really ruminating on the concepts of grace and forgiveness. Such beautiful words. Grace. Forgiveness. I denied the request to meet with this person on the grounds that I was not ready to forgive yet, not ready to be loving. I guess I had just assumed that in a few weeks as the memory and sharpness of what happened dulled, I could feel forgiveness and grace and love. But that is not the true work of forgiveness or grace. That would be time healing my wounds and since it didnt hurt anymore I could forget about it and be nice, which I would pretend was forgiveness and grace. Once I realized that, I felt like I was confused about what forgiveness and grace really is and how to do it.

I know that I cant want bad things to happen to the people who hurt me. I am fully aware that I cant desire retribution or vengenance or even justice. I DO NOT WANT JUSTICE, ever. I cant demand justice for others, then embrace and cling to grace for myself. I DO NOT WANT JUSTICE from God. Justice from God would be separation from his Love and presence due to my sinful ways and repeated denial and refusal to acknowledge Him as Lord. I embrace Christ. The only way to the Father is through the Son. I cant desire justice at any level for others, then accept grace for myself.

So now what....what is the act of forgiving and grace, if its not time healing my wounds and allowing me to continue?

As I prayed, it was revealed to me. The picture of grace and forgiveness is Christ on the cross. His painful death. His assuming a fallible form as human and dying at our hands. His assuming the power and breadth of the wrath of God so we can be reconciled unto the Father. His love for us.

All of a sudden forgiveness and grace didnt just mean pretty words with peacful meanings. Forgiveness and Grace are verbs, hard, difficult words that mean action and trying. Tears and work. To give up yourself and your pain and hurt for another.
To love another especially when they dont deserve it, and are not sorry for what they have done. To see someone else as all they could be in God's kingdom and realize we ALL fall short of the glory of God for we ALL have sinned.

Forgiveness and Grace.
Sarah's at work.

Irony and beauty of LOVE

2009-03-12T13:42:00.002-05:00

I am tripping over the fact that GOD made the very tree that provided the wood that he later was crucified on.

The next time I want to claim I have rights, or am owed something, I pray I remember that God MADE that tree. He had supreme and sovereign ownership over that tree, and all the people that crucified his son. He could have smashed them, and us, all. He gave that up for the love of us.

When I look at the cross, I see Love. That love is so enduring, so holy and pure, so all encompassing that I am healed.

"Perfect love casts out fear."
1 John 4:18

teeny tiny itty bitty baby mustard seed

2009-02-27T15:29:00.003-06:00

I have this class at DePaul that I have written about before, my documentary class....My teacher adamantly denies the existence of Christ and any God. He seems amused mostly that I am a Christian. He makes comments to me and I take the bait every time and respond with a bible quote or a correction on his false assumptions of Christianity and the bible. Its all in fun, but with an undertone of seriousness.
Please pray for him. His name is Greg Scott.
He mentioned in jest once that perhaps he is just waiting for that one person to convince him of the existence of Christ...I told him that its not up to people to CONVINCE him of Christ's existence, its up to him to see it for himself and for God to be revealed.

Last week another student in the class came at me hard because apparently the teacher and my banter back and forth during the class affected her negatively. THere are only like 6 people in this class and its a lab type class we sit around on computers and work on our documentaries independently mostly. So the teacher challenges me often to leave my emotions and beliefs behind and to try to see the world neutrally and allow myself to be surprised and affected without those two things. Sometimes I dont respond to him, because he has so completely judged me to be what he thinks that anything I say is futile. My emotions and God are so inherently a part of me that how do I separate that out? Even when I ignore God or get mad at Him and dont pray or sin repeatedly I know God is there the whole time. The next person that tells me I am too emotional is going to get dropped though, for real. Do people think I don't know that or that this is a new phenomenon no one has ever thought to comment on? Either way, the teacher made me leave class with a video camera and told me to go find a homeless person and have a ten minute conversation with them without using the words happiness, love, Jesus, God, sad, etc.... before I came back.

Have you ever been to Lincoln Park on a Tuesday night at like 7:30pm? Its not a huge stomping ground for the homeless community. After searching for like twenty minutes, I found no one but endless pretentious DePaul students on their way to the gym or the student center. I decided to talk to them. I interviewed about 15 random students about their views on homelessness, what should be done, what they do about it, and if homelessness was a choice or not.

I found out DePaul students are not exactly in touch with reality concerning the homeless population in Chicago. Compassion was not in abundance, not was a tendency for action to help others. People mentioned things like homelessness was a choice that the individual made, most homeless have "mental diseases", there is nothing really that people can do to help because if the government put houses for the homeless in the neighborhood then that would raise the taxes and no one wants that, homeless in Santa Monica are happy because people there buy them dinner and they get lots of money outside of Starbucks, and that people are more concerned about the poor in villages in Africa than the homeless in Chicago. One girl has started learning to knit to send socks to homeless in Kenya but does nothing for the homeless that walk through campus everyday after they are fed at the Vincent DePaul Church.

I went back to class with the video. As I walked in, the class looked up at me and the teacher handed me a large white piece of paper with the words "Question yourself. Question your beliefs. Evil is Holy" scribbled across it. I think I smiled. I sat down at the table in the middle of the room and picked up a pen from the table and began to write my thoughts. My teacher stared at the pen in my hand and told me not to steal his favorite pen and I assured him I was just borrowing it. He laughed and went on to say that if I did steal it he could cut my hand off per the instructions in the Old Testament right? Without blinking, I reminded him that I was CHRISTIAN which meant that CHrist came and died for my sins ammending the old law to be replaced with abundant grace and forgiveness now. He laughed and this girl in the corner groaned audibly. When it came turn for her to present her progress in the class, she was distracted and irritable. Halfway through her informal presentation she declared she was frustrated and thrown off due to the constant talk of religion. Then she whirled around in her seat and stared and me and said with dismay, "Don't you know that Greg (the teacher) is doing this to get to open your mind and question your beliefs and your life?" She said something about closed mindedness or something. I said "I know. I'm fine with that. I respond so he will question his." She went on to say she is just trying to get her graduate degree and doesnt have time for this. Another girl in the class nodded and glared at me. I know I blushed.

I wasnt in class this week due to an emergency at work but I went to the office of my teacher to talk to him. He said I should have been in class because I missed an important discussion. He said he thanked me in front of the class for exhibiting faith. He went on to say that everyone has faith whether it be in science or religion or whatever and that I was a great example of it. And in typical Sarah fashion, my eyes welled up with tears at the compliment. I definitely excused myself before they spilled onto my face but as I walked-ran to the bathroom, I was astounded that I am an example of faith in any capacity. Seriously, I probably only have the faith of the mustard seed which is the smallest seed I KNOW OF!!! (like the bible says). I have weak faith, so weak so pathetic so not consistent ESPECIALLY lately. I am not good at trusting in God or Jesus or myself or my friends or anything and here I was being held up as a testament to faith. God really did use the least of us here.......................

Love the bees and their secret lives......

2009-02-23T01:19:00.002-06:00

I believe fully that every little thing just wants to be loved.

Then why is it that we cant all just get it together and work that out?

How do we have all this mess that we have: Marriages breaking up, fathers not loving their babies,war, hatred, pain, depression, tears....

As a human race we have accomplished such ridiculously amazing things, Why cant we just focus some of that energy on love? Loving each other and caring for each other.

There's too much pain in this world, I see it and feel it and its heavy and hard to carry. It weighs on me. Sometimes I want to put it all down and finally rest.

Chris part 1

2009-02-15T21:59:00.004-06:00

So I am doing my documentary on a homeless man I met a year or so ago. His name is Laddie but everyone calls him Chris. Sometimes, I think that he thinks he is Jesus.

When I told my teacher he said to me, "Sarah, it sounds like you think he is not Jesus."
I affirmed his assumption was true, I did not in fact think this man was Jesus.
My teacher told me to prove he wasnt Jesus.
I stared at him. "Well..." I stammered.
I have nothing. I dont think this man is Jesus, but how can I prove it? How do you prove something?
My teacher is atheist anyway so what am i going to use, BIBLE VERSES? Those dont matter to him anyway.
"Is it because he is homeless, Sarah?"
"No," I said. "Jesus was homeless the first time he came."
"Is it because no one else knows he is Jesus, Sarah?"
"No," I said. "No one knew it was Jesus the first time. Or what it meant that he was Jesus."
I tried to tell him the bible said when Jesus returned he would come on a cloud of light and all believers would be have been raptured but it just didnt work out for me. When someone doesnt believe in all that, it sounds stupid to start witnessing to them with that part.
Im not ashamed of the Gospel (116) but i didnt know how to go about this conversation. My teacher is very.....intimidating and convicted and outspoken but with charm and intelligence. Like how do you witness to someone about the saving power of Christ who does not believe in a higher power at all? He sees Christians as weak I think. He has said that religion is an opiate for the masses and helps them sleep at night being reassured about their ultimate demise. I like him though.

So back to my documentary...

I am interviewing Chris (whose real name is Laddie) because mostly he intrigues me. He is smart, educated, a self proclaimed Christian, white (so access to whatever inherent white privilege he can muster), friendly and talkative, he can use a computer, he loves to read ( he reads like 2 books a week at least). He has the whole bible almost completely memorized. He can spit scripture complete with the address like no one else I know. But he is homeless. Seemingly, by choice....
He says he is happy.
He says God put him out on the street years ago to teach him a lesson. The lesson was that he was being too greedy and taken with material things. Now Chris says he is dead to this world and just living on the street to help the other guys until God calls him home. He thinks that material things are dead and unimportant. He shares everything he has with everyone else. He lives for others.
AND....he is happy. He is always seemingly happy.
Therein lies my problem, my conflict....
Why?
He is happy.
Its frickin cold out. He is outside.
He seems to have alot of resources and relationships that could help him get off the street and enter back into society. But he says he chooses not to.

Why would anyone choose to live on the street?
And most important how can he be so happy?

more to come.......................................

Happy Valentines Day!

2009-02-13T20:44:00.003-06:00

Love is hard, but beautiful and worth it.
And rare.
I recently have been made aware of the concept of guarding your heart, which is so smart
but how do I get my brain and my common sense to rise up and overcome what has ruled them for so long?
How do I put my heart in its place?

I found this quote the other day, wrote it down and taped it on a big, bright green post it note to the front of my wallet:
"God can subdue your wild heart..."

I sure hope so.

I want a love that heals. A love that is truth. A love that is not scared or fleeting. Love based in integrity and not unanswered questions.

I want a love that comes like the waves of the ocean,
repeatedly...
never failing....

As the waves hit the beach they drag out the mess from the edge of the sand,
with each tumbling, white crested wave
the water washes clean a smooth, slate of sand
so fresh and new with possibilities and inspiration
In time, the water will wash away all iniquites and rough spots on that beach
not by force but by the faithfulness of returning and time.

I decided it's worth the wait.

( I am house sitting, they have a private beach, I love to watch the waves)

compounding.

2009-02-09T13:44:00.002-06:00

To not worry seems to take things for granted, to not care.

How many of these things (worry, nervousness, anger, confusion) were so reinforced by my family...

It truly feels great to have cut those ties.

My grandma is the one person in the family I do still speak to and she often tells me that if my "church" knew that I do not interact with my family that they would tell me I am wrong. She tells me God wants me to be close with them and love them and continue to forgive them. I think that is what she wants and in THIS case it also happens to be what God wants. I am not sure my grandma is exactly tuned into the desires of the Lord, but who knows? Maybe she is. God uses all things and people.

I think He does want me to talk to them too.

At what point though.....
When does it become enough? At what point exactly is it ok for me to cut out abusive, neer do well, detrimental people from my life so I can continue to grow in a positive direction?
I extend forgiveness so readily, so easily, so frequently because I understand how seriously ridiculous I am and all the things I do and how desperately I need grace.
But this time, I can't.
I need to work on it.
I have lost that last bit of trust and faith that this "family" cares about me, loves me and is in ANY way concerned for my benefit. They have broken me for what I want to be the last time.

The dysfunctionality of my family, the craziness, the abusiveness, the mental issues, the deceit, the lying, the sneakiness, the mistrust, the neglect,the pain
ALL OF THAT
affects my whole life and how I go about relationships now.
I was talking with a friend last week, or actually NOT talking when I should have and he said to me, "Sarah, if I am your family like you say I am, then act like it." He meant tell him what I am struggling with, tell him what is tearing me apart and be honest about it. He meant trust him.

I thought, I am treating him like family! I am filtering myself and not trusting you and trying to protect myself and acting mean so you dont think I actually do care what you have to say because if you did know, then you would use that power to mess with me and hurt me.

Later, i realized this and told my friend that I didnt think i knew what family really was.
It turned out that he had already figured that out.

When people pray to God as Father, I get lost. I dont have a positive picture of that.
When people talk about the church as our family, I run. I dont have a positive picture of that.

I need to get a camera and take some new pictures.

Dont shrink Jesus.

2009-02-01T01:57:00.002-06:00

I read other blogs. One I used to read alot but now just check in on super late at night when I cant sleep is stuffchristianslike.blogspot.com This guy writes it and another blog site called 97secondswithgod.com (Jon Acuff)I laugh, but most things I dont get because I have only been a Christian for like 2 and a half years and I go to a house church so all the big church humor and youth group antics can be lost on me. But its funny, he's smart and sarcastic = my favorite combo.

But on the 97 seconds website, he wrote a post a while ago that I somehow linked to tonight/this morning and it was good. It said to stop shrinking Jesus. Dont let other people shrink Jesus for you. He is big enough. Big enough for all of this.
and that.

I remember a conversation I had with my friend Mariko back when I wasnt even really a Christian. She told me that God was big enough for what I telling her. I was afraid to come before God because of what I had done. People knew, they were talking, I looked horrible. But she assured me, Jesus was big enough.

I needed that tonight. And this week. And last week actually too.

So much pain i see. So much pain I feel. I want to turn away. I realized tonight that my attempts lately are to harden my heart and turn away. I think this walk is too hard and I am not cut out for this. As a Christian, I have to accept my sensitivity and not stifle it. In the world, I was so tough. I hid and ran and fought and I did me. But as a Christian, I have to take all those feelings and pain and just love and deal with them. READ THESE WORDS: its too hard.

I just look stupid all the time. I cant hide, I cant stifle my feelings, I cant even pretend and put up a front. All thats left is to love and live through it. When people hurt me, I cant get mad and act on that. I mean, I DO but then I have to deal with making it better. I am instantly convicted.
I should change my name to I'M SORRY - i say it so much. And it sucks. Im gonna say it, IT SUCKS.

Before I was a Christian, I got to get by with drinking it off, smoking cigarettes, buying what I wanted, living with my friends, yelling, fighting, having boyfriends and sex and running my life. Now its all gone and I am left with quiet and no distractions.

I try so hard to distract myself. With boys, or thoughts of going back to living the way I was. But I can't.

I look stupid all the time. I want to be alone so bad right now. I want to hide. It hurts more to go through this then around it. I want to harden my heart and get angry.

But I dont want to shrink Jesus. Im not with all this for me, Im with it for Jesus. FOR JESUS.
Jesus is big enough for this walk.
Jesus is worth more than what you do to me and how you make me feel.
Jesus is more than my stupid actions and how I want to hide from them because saying sorry hurts.

This blog is as much for me, as it is for whoever keeps reading this.
Pray for me. Please.

took long enough

2009-01-31T03:57:00.001-06:00

You know what feels good?

Standing up for yourself.

Getting Hazy

2009-01-25T03:51:00.002-06:00

The world is too loud right now.
I need to turn it down
Tune it out

Hear my own voice
but is my own voice echoing the voice of the Lord?
are they even in sync anymore?

Have I succumbed to worldly ways and desires?
Am I merely wearing a Christian suit?

Im not choosing God
and Im not choosing myself either
So what am I doing?

I know my destination
and the train I am on is not going anywhere near that stop.
sometimes the people on this train look all too familiar.

Everyone knows what i should do,
how I should do and when....
All that noise is too loud, too static, too much,

Sarah, What did GOD tell you to do?

Crawling in the dirt

2009-01-17T04:16:00.002-06:00

Tonight I went to Sunshine Gospel Ministries on the Southside to see my friends, Matt, TJ and Paul rap. I learned alot.

First of all, I learned Matt has skills. He also has flow. And good hair.

Secondly, I was so blessed by a bible study led by Pete Blodgett. We read through a passage in 2 Cor. about how Christ died to sin, just once, which is all that was necesary and accordingly we are new creations and dead to our sin once we are are in Him. That was tight, but the part that was so memorable was an analogy Pete used. He said we are like catepillars. We crawl around and are not super cute or anything, we burrow in dirt and exist on the ground and people flick us off them and we are gushy. Then, through salvation we enter our coccoon and emerge as a new being. A beautiful butterfly is completely different from a lowly caterpillar. Butterflies fly and have glorious wings with intricate patterns and land on flowers and barely touch the dirt. A butterfly would never think to return to the life of a caterpillar and choose, as a butterfly, to crawl in the dirt---
so how can we as Christians return to a life of sin. The story of the butterfly is perfect because the caterpillar is no where as wondrous or prized as a butterfly.

I began to think "Why am I choosing lately to roll in the dirt on my belly and inch along when I have wings?"

I want to embrace my butterflyness and the salvation that it represents and not long for the familiarity yet the death that sin ultimately brings.

I want to take solace in God and trust in Him.

Altruism is not dead. (alternate title = DePaul Winter Quarter 2009 vs. my Christianity)

2009-01-14T23:55:00.003-06:00

So I signed up for this class on Ethnographic documentary making. Its one night a week at Depaul. I love documentaries, on everything. If you know me, then at some point in our relationship I have talked to you about some documentary I watched and as I spoke to you with fervent interest and intense inner rumination, I bet your eyes glazed over and you drifted away. Anyway, I thought it would be cool to make one of my own and I can think of several cultures in Chicago that I specifically have access to that most of the population does not. Its not actually that others dont have the access to these cultures or groups of people, but that they dont think they do and are hindered by fear and ignorance.

I love documentaries because I love to learn and I am a very visual person. I learn by seeing, I am moved or excited by visual stimulus. If I see something, i will never forget it but tell me something and it falls out of my head when something shiny catches my eye. I love the insider view and the intellectual layers of the documentary movie, and the implicit art and critical thought that has to go into the editing. I love that the person who made the documentary usually wants to teach us something, and that they have to go out and work for it. Its not scripted, technically, and those people arent actors in the Hollywood sense. We all act, but to act in the course of real life or to accept a role and follow a script is two completely different things. We had to come up with 2 cultures or people groups in Chicago that we want to film. I didnt need a week, I knew before I signed up for the class what I wanted to learn more about and what I wanted to teach people through my documentary.

First, I want to do a documentary on the homeless. All of us are like three careful steps from homelessness. Lose your job, cant find another, no one to help you = potentially homeless. The world is cruel,I have seen it countless times with my own two. The men and women I have met through out life have shown me this. Yes, sometimes its the choices you make and I am aware of that. I am not interested in a victim mentality ever. I dont want to identify people as a victim, I dont want to patronize a victim, I dont want to blame a victim....Nothing. What I want to do is show everyone, this can happen to anyone. If people can embrace that fact, I believe :
1. They would be way more grateful and appreciative of what they have and that GOD has blessed them unduly and undeservingly.
2. They would be more apt to share these blessings, to pour them out and pay out what has been merely loaned to them by God for His glory (not our personal gain or acheivement, but as a way to love others.)

The second idea was to follow up with the prostitutes I met while doing outreach on Madison in front of the Rockwell garden housing projects like 2 years ago. The housing project there has since been torn down and apparently that particular stretch of the street is in the last stages of gentrification so the women have moved west about a mile or so. I was interested how they interact with one another and especially their pimps. Particularly, the tiny not scary ones that ride bicycles. Seriously, this has bothered me for like two years. There was this one pimp in my mind I remember. The women would never talk to us or accept any offering of food or clothing if the pimps were around so we had to learn who was a pimp quickly. This one seriously rode a little kid's bike and was like 100 lbs soaking wet. What is he doing? So many questions, so little answers. Anywho, also I see the other pimps and some were like old men with fuzzy canes and white suits that were embroidered with multiple offensive words, but in pretty raised cursive letters and glitter. Maybe not the prostitutes then, but the pimps I was interested in for this project. I dont know. Im still working this second idea out.

But the point of this post was the talk about this idea that my professor threw up onto my life yesterday. Yes you read that correctly, he PUKED THIS WRETCHED IDEA INTO MY LIFE. I am someone who accepts things, and I make them personal (I had this conversation with two of my friends last night, G and Emery. They were like "Stop internalizing everything." Um, read my last post). So what my Professor said was "Altruism doesnt exist. Helping the homeless isnt about them or love or any of that sh*%, its about you.You feeling better about yourself for helping people. Its all about what you are getting out of it." Then he paused, and thought and I was like whatever, thats not true but when he went on is when he GOT me: "Unless, of course, it pains you. If it pains you, then ......that's different. But you know what, no, because if it pains you, then you are CHOOSING pain and then you are getting what you want anyway so it is not altruistic." The thing is, It pains me. It all but kills me to work with the homeless like I have. I stopped doing outreach purposefully in September. I see the men all the time but I had to disengage because of the pain and brokenness and how right now, I cant do that. I cant devote my life to working and loving them and still pay attention to school and work. But that will be my life, in some facet. That the Lord will use me to love and serve the poor and potentially homeless, in Chicago. I have know that since a very young age. Praise God for revealing my purpose, some people travel all through life wondering, but I have always known (maybe not embraced it, but always known). So the statement was personal. When he looked at me and thought and then said that about being pained instead of feeling good, I felt like he saw me. Just a part, but a deep part.

Now my professor, alot of professors, at DePaul are not typical college professor. This particular one swore so many times and in such creative ways that I wrote some of them in my notes. He told us he stole the shoes he was wearing, used to be a crack dealer and admits to using intravenous drugs for most of his life. He swears and talks casually about gaining people's trust, then learning about their lives and vulnerabilities and then freely and consciously exploiting these for the use of his film and career. He speaks flippantly about pretending to care about people he is filming and then using them. Other students in the class warmed up and began to speak as casually and callously as him. My heart was heavy and during our 15 minute break in the 4 hour class, I listened to worship music and prayed for endurance and peace and other things. He said such horrible crap, his mouth just opened and these irreverant, harsh, mean things came pouring out with a smile and sometimes I just laughed and shook my head. Eventually, he caught on that I was not laughing WITH him.I cant decide if this is an act he is putting on, or if in fact this is who he is. He appreciates my presence and told me I am a live wire, but I cant help but be interested in how this quarter will play out for me. I am not one to keep my thoughts and beliefs to myself and this is an emotionally charged environment as we delve into conflict and how to "exploit" that.

I cant drop this class, or I wont graduate on time. and honestly, if I had to pick a class to drop it would be my 'Sex and Gender in the City" class. We are doing a case study of the SEX and the city tv show and learning about sex markets in every neighborhood of Chicago. People in that class are just sick, talking openly about sick crap that makes me want to punch them. THAT is a requirement for my major, not to punch people for being proud sluts but taking a class on sex and gender issues.

Um, Maranatha. Quick.

Thats not mine.

2009-01-08T00:53:00.003-06:00

Sin.
Recently I have been convicted of how sin affects a community. I never understood this, even though I have heard it countless times. I have been horrified how people get in each other's business and I still am at times, but I been to the other side! I can see that no man is an island and I feel nervous at the weightyness of this revelation.

What I mean is, through several situations (personal and not) I have seen how sin that you havent committed directly can still drastically affect your life. We all pay the price for sin and not only is it a biblical mandate to be your brothers keeper and to lift them up, but it is in your best interest as well to keep them from the wide road to destruction and to lead them toward the narrow path of rightousness.

Due to the fact that would be pretty bogus to blast someone else's sin on here and then exemplify how its messing with my life, I am going to use Israel and the whole Gaza Strip situation. So back in the time of the old Testament, Abraham and Sarah were desiring a child. Sarah did not trust in the Lord and took matters into her own hand (Sarah's are always not trusting!!!) and sent her maid servant Hagar to lay with Abraham and produce a child. As usual, the Lord delivered on his promise to Sarah in His own time and she was able to bear her own child thus rendering Hagar's child undesirable. AND so it began = unrest in the middle east stemming from the Jews being Abraham and Sarah's child Issac and the Middle Eastern ethnicity (I couldnt figure out what to put there? Palestinians? Iraqi? Saudi? Islam? After five minutes, I settled Middle Eastern Ethnicity. Dont dwell on it) which was the fruit of Abraham and Hagar. So Sarah's sin and lack of faith in the Lord to satisfy her desire has a very obvious and lasting result. Hatred and ethnic divide and genocide is under way to this very day. People, children, moms, elderly, whole communities are trembling in fear and being assaulted and have inherited this sin and its results. Do they even know what they are fighting for anymore? I dont know. Land? Really? Land?
PRIDE.

On a more personal note, sometimes people do mean stuff. I assume that into myself on such a personal level. I assume in the most extreme way, that somehow I am to blame for their actions. People have told me before, "its not about you" and I never listened deeply to that. I never understood what that meant or rather, I thought people misinterpreted my feelings as somehow I thought I was important enough to make that person sin. I was just taking on responsibility that somehow, I was ridiculous enough, or bad enough that this person had no fault and i caused them to act this way. But I am realizing what "its not about you" means.

Everyone sins. We have to, we are human. Perhaps the way someone is treating me is their own sin and nothing to do with me. When i snap at the lady in front of me for going too slow, its not really her fault but my own lateness, disorganization and lack of patience that causes me to do that.

Perhaps I was just there. Perhaps, I was in the line of fire.

This not only has present day applications for me, but life altering implications.
All that stuff in the past, all that SUPER RIDICULOUSLY HORRIBLE family issues that I cant see fit to get over on....Maybe most of that was so not even about me but I was just there, plodding along and stepped out into the dangerous traffic of their own sinful strugles. Maybe, I dont need that apology and reckoning because after all...

It wasnt even about me, was it?

I want to hold onto that thought. I want to take that truth and cuddle up and intertwine with it so I can soak every bit of relief out of it and allow my life and heart to be changed and renewed.

Too Old and too Pretty

2009-01-01T15:21:00.004-06:00

Being sleep deprived, stressed beyond all get out, and frustrated I yelled that at the top of my lungs last night in my friends apartment.If you know me, I'm pretty sure you know I dont think either one of those things about myself, but my friends pounced on it and want me to accept it as my personal 2009 mantra. I feel like that last little something just broke last night.You know, straw...camel...

We are having some serious family issues, ones that I cant even work through right now. Since about Wednesday, I have this block and I cant even pray. I can simply just sit in silence and think about God. I am not sure if I am angry, or so incredibly hurt or scared. have you ever had a stomach ache for like 6 days straight?

I also think its time for Sarah to stand up. People mistake my kindness for weakness a little too often. People mistake my desire to serve as a doormat. People mistake my constant extension of forgiveness as an excuse to hurt me over and over.

I need to find a balance between the super soft sensitive Sarah that loves too much and wants to be loved too much and the Sarah that takes up for everyone else and stands strong in the face of all adversity. It's like I have all the qualities to fix myself, on one side I am super vulnerable and weak and the other I'm a beast. If I could put those together and take up for me and protect me, I would be better.
But there is this bridge out.... that those two sides cant come together for me, and I'm pretty sure thats one of the reasons I need Christ. He is that bridge. His love fills in all the brokenness.

Im stubborn and sinful. Why wont I rest in Him?

Charlie the Bird lives at Happy Foods.

2008-12-24T18:58:00.002-06:00

Very rarely am I in my own neighborhood. 6 out of 7 days I am on the West side in Lawndale where I work, in East and West Garfield Park and Humboldt Park where my friends live. Or you can find me in Lincoln Park where I go to school and love the family I babysit for frequently. I come home to sleep, paint and hang out with grandma. But yesterday my usually independent grandma fell in the snow so today I didnt want to let her run her Christmas errands in this crazy weather alone so I was her chauffer. What a funny day in the neighborhood. First, getting the car down the street was hard enough because it seems that the snowplows totally forgot our streets. I wanted to take a different route that led right to a busy street (Milwaukee) instead of her usual neighborhood side streets all the way route. She was mad as this was not the way that we usually go. I tried to explain my rationale of safety and ease of navigating as she argued that Alderman Daughtery is her friend and he plows the streets himself. Apparently, one year like FOREVER ago my grandma and grandpa could not get out of the garage because the snow was so deep in the alley. My grandma made a phone call to the alderman's office and TEN minutes later they came and plowed the alley. This is one of her only real intersections with the local or national government and this has given her great faith that the system here works. Milwaukee looked like snow never fell on it, while the side streets looked like a huge grey slushee and winter wonderland. But I let her talk and complain for approximately 11 blocks. We got to happy foods, a tiny grocery store with huge yellow smiley faces all over it, and it was INSANE. Like food was going out of style or a famine had engulfed the land. People everywhere. Everyone knew everyone. It was funny, a blast from the past as all the kids around me had Irish dancing coats on or jackets from the Catholic schools around there (St. Thecla (Thats where its at!), St. Monica, St. Mary of the Woods, St, Juliana). A few men had an Irish brogue ( = accent) and most of the kids had oodles of freckles.
As we navigated the tiny cart down the even narrower aisles, the people shouted back and forth about their Christmas eve plans (drinking, eating, drinking). We came to the end of an aisle and my grandma told me to go knock on the door and ask for Jack. I was like what? Why? I did. Jack appears and is excited to see "Ol Mrs. Murphy" and appears with our Christmas Roast which costs way too much to be made out of just meat. She slips him some money and he tries to refuse once, twice, then accepts what we all knew he would all along. A small brown bird is flying over our heads and sitting on the hanging christmas displays in all the aisles. People are pleasantly surprised by the little creature and kids ran around following his flight path. As we rounded the fruit aisle, I asked the kid working there about the bird and he said it had been there for a few days and they had no plans to remove it. They tried once to shoo it but it didnt work as we could see. When we were checking out, I asked them about the bird and they said "Charlie? Yeah he lives here now." I asked how he eats and the girl admitted some of them leave crumbs around when they lock up at night. She also said that there are now 2 birds and she hopes they mate and have Happy Food babies. When we were walking to the car, I asked my grandma how she affords that meat. She said she buys cheaper paper towels all year long.

And the funny thing is....She is serious. She likes ViVa paper towels but for some reason we always get the plain white Bounty!!!!!

I am my own kryptonite.

2008-12-23T13:41:00.004-06:00

Through several recent current events, I have come across the realization that I am a maniac about rejection. Rejection in any form at all. From men, from women, from businesses, schools, stores, credit card companies, scholarships, pets, kids I babysit for. I avoid situations that in any way could contribute to the vast possibility of being rejected in some form. I think this is an issue of pride. That was one area where I thought I did not struggle. I struggle to think well of myself, let alone be prideful in any way shape or form. Perhaps though, an absence of pride or self worth is just as much an issue I should seek God in. God made us all in his likeness and image, and I can see the good in everyone else but somehow that God-given love for the lost and forgotten and my ability to see the good in people no matter how hidden is lost on me. I am my own kryptonite.

Did you ever get to a point in your life where you thought things would get better? I mean I remember being like 10 years old and hearing about how the world was going to end in 2000 or 2010 and worrying...(that was my hobby as a child) but thinking that I would be like 21 or 30 and that I could handle that then. I remember thinking that when I got older, I could handle everything and that relational problems and awkward situations were a thing of adolescence. That is so incredibly not true. I didnt care at all what people thought back then. I had this innocence or naivety, some prefer to call it a lack of discernment(!?!?!) But now here I am 29 years old and its like I am more awkward and shy then ever. What happened?

I also thought that I would be 29 and I would be this successful *fill in the blank*
(teacher, social worker, secretary, mom, wife)
And its pretty obvious that I am not.
I am in college.
I am an intern and honestly, its not going that well.
I babysit for extra money.
I am not married.
I have no kids.
I dont even have my dog anymore.

I thought I would be 29 and have this whole secure grown up life. But I dont. I struggle now more than ever with opening up to people and being friends or in community. The older I get the more broken I get, which right now is terrifying.
The whole pyramid is inverted. I feel like I am regressing.

I hope you have a crappy Christmas.

2008-12-21T23:21:00.004-06:00

My mom refuses presents on Christmas.
We used to be so mad and like "Oh Mom!Please!"
We would wrap up presents with birthday paper and put tags on the gifts that said Happy Arbor Day instead. She always said that Christmas wasnt about presents. We just thought it was another one of those things Mom is doing again.

but she was right. And it totally caught on in the family here in Chicago a few years ago. Even before I was a Christian....

Is there a better example of the perversion of man and sinfulness of the world than Christmas?
Think.
The reason for Christmas is Jesus and his birth.
Somehow, it has been turned into a season of joy or a Holiday season. A time for being with family? Christmas trees? Where did Santa come in, was he a take off on one of the wise men? Reindeer? (I like animals so I wont hate too much on them) Lights, ornaments, trees, presents, wrapping paper and bows. Elaborate Christmas parties with fancy outfits and food and drinking. Holiday songs about mistletoe and elves. And money. So much money.

I read of a mob at a Walmart this year. People fighting over each other to get to a sale item. A man was killed in the melee. He was an employee. Also, a pregnant woman miscarried due to the hustle and bustle and getting so knocked around. How did it come to this?
I worked at Kohls one christmas season for extra money. It was the year of the tickle me elmo. Grown women fought over this stupid red toy that I hated. It vibrated and laughed so creepy. I remember seeing the hate and envy and greed that year. Now during the holidays I wrap presents for wealthier families for extra cash that helps me eek out a living. They purchase so many presents that they cant wrap them all so I come and help. I wrapped over 300 presents last year. I am a pro.

Jesus.

A pastor of an affluent church was apparently overcome by the godlessness in Christmas everywhere but in his church as well. He spread manure all over the floor of the sanctuary and when people came in on Sunday it smelled horrible. He was like No, THIS is Christmas. This is what it is so you come in and sit here with me and we remember.

Jesus.
God came to earth as a human, a baby and was so unimportant to us that he could find nowhere to be born but a barn.
That is what it smelled like in there. It wasnt all warm and glowy and mary wearing a blue robe and joseph with his staff and cuddly lamby watching. It was poop and filth and no medicine and pretty hospital and luxury.
That was the first thing Jesus did that for us and we take his birthday and turn it into a shop a pallooza.

I feel sick.

And people get upset when we talk about an angry God.

Crappy Christmas....Get it.
Remember how jesus was born and celebrate the right things this year.

I pray that I am able to more fully share this message with my family and everyone I come into contact with.
For Christmas this year, I wish my family would really pray together.

Your pants are clearly on fire!

2008-12-09T01:13:00.002-06:00

Liar liar, pants on fire.

Little white lies.

Honesty is something I am huge on. It is so incredibly hard to trust people, and I am a perfect example why. I am sinful, and wretched and do bad things. I cannot trust myself most days and the bible clearly says why: The heart's deceitful above all things ( Jeremiah 17:9 but pointed out to me today via the Flame/Shai Linne song "To My Heart").

But how honest am I?

Until very recently, I was not honest with someone I am super super close to: ME. I often try to lie to myself by telling myself I can deal with certain situations and relationships, situations or that I am over things people said or did when in fact it is banging around in the pit of my stomach where I pushed all those feelings and emotions. Its not like I can hide my emotions from anyone who is not blind, deaf or breathing. I am not smooth or slick or gifted in any surreptious fashion. The Lord sought out to force me to be honest by making me completely transparent 98% of the time. But apparently since I cant see myself often, I believe my own lies.

This has been a season of honesty for myself. Not a fun season exactly but more of a brutal open hunting season.

Anyway... I was inclined to write this post as my mother, grandmother and I were discussing lies the other day. The situation is that a few weeks ago I stopped at a gas station in South Holland (the town not the country) due to some car problems, specifically my car was saying it was very very hot. A very nice man happened over as I was looking bewildered under my hood and offered to help. He added some fluids and checked others and when I went around the remove my gas pump he closed the hood and told me I was all set and no more problems for my car, Have a safe trip home. As I guided my car back onto the expressway, I remarked to my car full of friends that you just dont find people like that anymore. That man was so very nice and thoughtful and went out of his way to help me with only hitting on me the bare minimum and asking for my phone number once. No seriously, he did all that for no reason! And after I turned down his request, he still filled my fluids and smiled and shook my hand. As I went on and on about how impressed I was at how caring he was, I hit about 60 on the expressway and suddenly WHAM! the hood detached from the car and plastered itself onto the windshield, smashing it. That nice young man forgot to close the hood and I didnt think to check it.

Long story short, I am fine,we are all fine and I just got my car back yesterday. About two hundred dollars later, my white toyota camry now sports a shiny black hood (it was cheaper).
But unfortunately, I could not fix the windshield yet. It will cpst another 150$ and I dont have that right now. The smash mark is on the drivers side and while its not humongous, it is like someone punched the windshield trying to get at my face or something.

SO THE HONESTY PART (you were wondering how I was going to pull this all together werent you?) I will be driving all over the Chicagoland area as I usually do, with a cracked windshield. My mom and grandma were creating elaborate sorrow filled stories (lies) for me to be prepared with in case I get pulled over since it is illegal and costly to drive with a smashed windshield. I told them that those were lies and wrong per the ten commandments. They were shocked and after a long heated debate my grandma usurped my declaration that all lying is wrong by saying, "NO all lying is not wrong. If you tell a lie and no one gets hurt or nothing bad happens then its not a sin. White lies are NOT a sin."

I told her she made that up and if we could do that and it be true then dogs would fly and I would never have to clean. She and my mother definitively agreed that white lies are not harmful or bad.

YOU?

good idea.

2008-11-30T14:26:00.001-06:00

The Snowball Effect

2008-11-22T11:53:00.002-06:00

one decision.
Seemingly insignificant.
a band-aid of a decision.
seeking instant gratification
seeking, hungering for solace in the wrong places.
one leads to two, which gets with three and has four who checks out five and they meet six who know seven.
builds, builds, grows and changes and makes a new life.

placate.
hide.
deceive, even yourself.

Years later. a seemingly lifetime later. It all falls down. It all falls away and you are left staring that decision in the face. It wasnt even about that. Where is peace? Where is forgiveness?

Elusive because it wasnt even about that, was it?
Dig deeper.

A Rotted core needs to be dug out.
Needs a new center.
The layers are heavy.
provide warmth and cushion in this icy world.
Sometimes, it rips through you.
It was never even about that.
But that? That I can do. That I deal with.I know that.
It was all just covering up, covering up, covering up ....
a lifetime of running, hiding, posturing,
a lifetime of just making it.
You think you know.
But do you?
Where is Sarah....
What she be on?

Jesus. Help me to be real.

In Illinois, poverty is a seamless and never-ending tale.

2008-11-14T10:50:00.004-06:00

so it has been quite a while, for many reasons. Writer's block, my creative genius is poured into my full class load at DePaul University, as I learn more through experience and life I sometimes question my ability to speak to these weighty issues so persistent in my life (poverty, Christ, racial issues, forgiveness, etc.)

As I learn, I realize how much yet I do not know and the resulting humbleness produces silence.

However, I came across this as I researched something for work (I work now at Lawndale Christian Development Corp on the west side). It something I have been thinking and pondering.

In Illinois, poverty is a seamless and never-ending tale.

It runs from the state's southern tip in emaciated Cairo and Pulaski,an impoverished rural community less than an hour's drive south of Chicago. Farther north it runs to a hobbled hamlet called Ford Heights — once deemed the poorest suburb in America. And farther north still to Chicago and its confederation of impoverished inner-city communities, where high-rise public housing complexes were for decades symbols of acute isolationism, America's warehousing of the poor.

Poverty. It is the perennial question. American Poverty — rural, urban and suburban poverty. Stubborn poverty, the kind that rises like the stench of polluted well water. Poverty. Its assortment of interconnected questions lingers, none more pressing than these: What is society's moral obligation to the poor? How can we solve this problem called poverty?

Is it indeed solvable? What to do about the poor?

From 2003 to 2004 there was an increase of 1.1 million people who are indeed impoverished.

According to the 2006 Report on Illinois Poverty, 12.4%, live in poverty.
Of those, 5.7% of the state's total population, live in deep poverty.

Among the report's most alarming conclusions was that, while it found Illinois to be the wealthiest state in the Midwest, it had the highest poverty rate.

The report concludes that "one in four people in Illinois lives near poverty, enough Illinoisans to fill the states of Montana, Idaho, North Dakota and South Dakota combined."

Among Illinois' poorest communities are Cairo, Pembroke, Ford Heights and North Lawndale, where the poverty rate in each is nearly three times the national rate of 12.4 percent, U.S. Census figures show. In fact, the number of people living in poverty in Ford Heights and North Lawndale quadruples the national rate.

For me, no issue in the 21st century resonates more profoundly than the poor.

Perhaps the answer might be found in the stories and also in the voices of some Illinoisans who themselves live in the poorest communities in the state — among the poorest in America. Or perhaps poverty is too complex a question, and in the end, the answer too elusive, even after a journey that begins at the state's southern edge on Interstate 57 and ends hundreds of miles north.

The person who compiled this evidence shares this exchange with the readers:
Once, I was waxing on to my grandfather about some poverty expert whose book I had read when suddenly my grandfather, in his sometimes sobering dry wit, remarked:

"Hey, John, let me ask you something."

"Uh-huh," I said.

"This poverty expert … Tell me, uh, was he ever poor?"

"Uh-h-h," I responded, racking my brain for the answer. Finally, I gave up.

"I don't know," I answered, laughing out loud. "Probably not."

"Then how in the world can he be an expert on poverty if he was never poor?" Grandpa asked with a chuckle.

Another insight :

The problem of transforming the ghetto is, therefore, a problem of power — a confrontation between the forces of power demanding change and the forces of power dedicated to preserving the status quo.

The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Chicago Tribune concluded in its 1985 Millstone series that this so-called permanent underclass in North Lawndale "devours every effort aimed at solving its problems." That it is "a class of misfits." That it "resists solutions both simple and complicated."

Thats not exactly what I see here.

Most of this information in my post here is from excerpts from John Wesley Fountain essays, specifically his Paul Simon essay from Nov. 14, 2008.

I dont support the bailout.

2008-09-29T18:05:00.001-05:00

The bailout? Golden parachutes? All this hullalbaloo makes me happy that I am not of this world but that I store my treasure in heaven, where it is safe and unperishable.

But Bono is so right when he said:
“It is extraordinary to me that you can find $700 billion to save Wall Street and the entire G8 can’t find $25 billion to save 25,000 children who die every day of preventable treatable disease and hunger,” the U2 lead singer told Clinton’s fourth annual philanthropic summit in New York. “That’s mad, that is mad. Bankruptcy is a serious business and we all know people who have lost their jobs,” Bono said, "but this is moral bankruptcy.”

Way to be.

Jesus was not one of the cool kids.

2008-09-20T11:56:00.004-05:00

I have been laid up lately due to my ankle (see the vast increase in blog posts?) and spending alot of time on the internet. I came across a blog and this man posted the above video and said

"Sometimes I am soooooo embarrassed by others who profess to be Christians, and then do crazy and ridiculous and insensitive and not-classy things… uuugh! And they are serious!Is this realy the best way to introduce Jesus as a friend? It sure makes it harder for the rest of us…"

I was like WHAT? yes the man may be silly and the song not banging out a beat in really ANY WAY but he is worshipping and giving glory to God. I was shocked that this particular blogger thought this video was in any way insensitive or not classy? I was amused by the video and the song was in my head the rest of the day.

I also was intrigued by the fact that this particular man felt songs and actions like this make it harder "for the rest of us" to introduce Jesus as a friend. Jesus himself was not popular or cool. He was homeless, hated, probaly dirty, not fashionable,etc. A lot of people killed him because he was so not liked. Jesus did a pretty crazy and ridiculous thing for us. Jesus wasn't overly concerned about being insensitive or politically correct, just glorifying to his father. And as far as the best way to introduce Jesus as a friend? How about his death on the cross? Is that an easy or sensitive way to introduce him?

..........................

2008-09-19T23:27:00.003-05:00

This picture was taken by a woman named Frannie Boehnlein. She attends DePaul University and is my facebook friend. I don't know her except seeing her perform a few times in the Gospel Choir, but this is her picture. It is so disturbing to me, on many of levels. This is a picture she took while protesting at the Republican National Convention. I am troubled that this is police, confronting citizens as they voice their opinions on Bush, Republicans, the War and other issues in Minneapolis. I wanted to share this. I cant really vocalize clearly the violence and fear this picture speaks to me and how extensively I question the notion of freedom that we hold so dear and personal as American.

Shirley Mae Murphy

2008-09-18T17:10:00.004-05:00

enough with religion, politics, education issues....

This intermission of regular blog topics is brought to you by my camera phone.
This is my grandma, Shirley Murphy on her 84th birthday which was September 17th. She has more friends than people I know and she got lots of flowers, over 20 birthday cards in the mail and WAY too many phone calls ALLLLL day while I was trying to sleep off my pain medicine for my ankle. But she deserves it.
Such a tiny granny.
Flowers from Amber and Simon

Flowers from Jen and Matt:

Birthday dinner:

Butterfly from Kim:

(Gran hates butterflies because they used to be caterpillars. She is afraid of caterpillars.)

Granny with the first birthday present/birthday acknowledgement from the doctor she has worked under for 40 years. He gave her 25 pink roses and a card. Yes, she still works as a nurse.

It smells wonderful in the house.

Do you believe in me?

2008-09-17T10:31:00.000-05:00

Dalton needs to come to Chicago! He is a BEAST. He says, "Do you believe in me? Cause if not, I'm not going there." There being graduation, college, LIFE.

Serious real talk.
What up Dalton, you gave me chills.

Rob Bell messing it all up

2008-09-16T13:09:00.004-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wSAEezBc3s

I got this from http://revolutioninthespirit.blogspot.com/
Its the youth pastor from Armitage Baptist Church. Some people I know read my blog that may not be aware of his yet. Lies are convincing, Read up on the truth. Scary stuff to think that this man is running one of the biggest churches in America, Mars Hill.

* Be a better Berean than the Bereans were.

* When we elevate man, we lower the cross and we can't afford to do that because the cross is the only chance of hope for us.

* Humanism disguised as Christianity.

Click the Stamp

2008-09-16T12:35:00.000-05:00

Click this e-stamp, and $0.50 will be donated to educate youth in Chicago.

what's this world coming too?

2008-09-11T22:49:00.003-05:00

For real whats this world coming too when we have to pay kids to go to school?

HELLO? Its the frickin law. Until you are 16 you HAVE to go to school.

I am referring to the program written up in the Sun times paper that they are testing out where they pay kids to go to school. This is just for freshman and sophmores in 20 CPS schools. Freshman and Sophmores because these two grades have the highest drop out rates. Douglas, Al Raby, Simeon.... to name a few. These are schools with medium to high dropout rates and CPS feels that they could retain more students if they paid them a certain amount per A = $50 B = $35 and C = $20. You receive half at report card time and half WHEN you graduate up to 4000 dollars altogether.

Recently in conversation it was remarked that the black community does not value education the same as other cultures may. Many people present accepted this as true and I was confused. It was explained to me that especially on the West side in families close to the poverty line, people are focused on getting money now to put food on the table and other life necessities. It is hard to focus on school as the rewards of that may not pay off for many years. It makes more sense to go out and get a job now to help out or even to survive.

How do you argue with that?

Study or eat. Study or help out the family. Its hard to have vision for the future when the present is a woken nightmare. I get it, but is this the way in which to do that? Is that money that is being furnished through private donations, NOT TAX DOLLARS, going to make that much of a difference? I am not sure.

Being sensitive and understanding some of the reasons why the drop out rates MAY be higher in these communities I am wanting to say yes, this money may help.

But I have this nagging sense that this program cannot be sustainable and how exactly is it teaching on the importance and necessity of education? I think kids (and some adults) are lazy alot and need all this special motivation and incentive to do anything and thats bogus.

I also hate this argument going around that OOOH THE SUBURBAN kids get money already from their parents so this is leveling the playing field. OK NO. All suburban kids dont get money from their parents for good grades and some city kids do too!!! I never knew anyone that received money for good grades and my friends and I all completed high school. None of us got $ or cars or a pony or anything for graduation. None of our parents paid for our college educations. None of our parents were rich.

Does that mean others shouldn't be afforded that luxury ? No,but I feel that completing high school because someone paid you too is self defeating and taking away the lesson that school is important.

But I will agree with the any means necesary approach when our dropout rate nears the half mark in some school in the city.

There has to be a better way.
I just dont know what it is right now.

Read about this here:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/content/education/chi-money-for-grades-11-sep11,0,7506945.story

and here

http://www.suntimes.com/news/education/1157373,CST-NWS-skul11web.article

and here

www.kevingwin.blogspot.com

Stop killing people

2008-09-05T17:28:00.002-05:00

125.

125 people shot dead in Chicago over the summer.

That's approximately twice the US Troop death toll in Iraq (65) for the summer.
approximately 247 people were shot and just wounded.

I plan to mull this over for awhile but my first thoughts include:
War. Chicago is worse than a war zone, perhaps we should bring our troops home and deploy them into Chicago to work on peaceful conflict resolution here. Maybe?

And I am just fine beating this dead horse...the Olympics. Yes, lets bring more people here and focus our money on that frivolity of sportsmanship instead of working on lowering deadly violence and improving our deplorable schools.

125.
people.
shot.
dead.

Summer's finally over.
Praise God.

Pods of Hippopotami dancing through my head

2008-09-02T22:07:00.004-05:00

I always liked hippos. Maybe its the cute name, Hippo or hippopotamus.
Yay.
Or that they have little tiny ears. Or that there are dancing hippos in the movie Fantasia (they do ballet) or that I have read a plethura of children's book featuring cute, friendly, gray hippos with names like Henrietta the Hippo or Harry the Hippo. But apparently my Hippo friends are not so wonderfully cuddly and likable after all.

My friends returned safely from Zambia with stories of the wonderful things the Lord is doing there. I was encouraged and captivated by all their stories. Maybe I will relay some of them here. But today. Today I am thinking about hippos. I had no idea they were so deadly and territorial and FAST.

So while they were in Zambia they were blessed to be able to take a few safari trips. One that Brian and Heidi went on was a 3 hour river boat tour. Before they left it was all worries about lions, bugs, maybe even crocodiles but apparently it should have been hippos. So a few interesting facts I have recently learned about hippos that just keep bouncing around in my head:
(these are from Heidi and Brian and Kareem and Ashley and Matt but also supplemented by my own personal research over the past few days online)

A group of hippos is called a pod
their ears and eyes and little nose holes are all placed on the tippy top of their head so they can be underwater but poke those holes just out of the water and breathe, see and hear.

A hippo has what is called "specific gravity". This means they have a special body density that allows them to sink in water. This also allows them to enter the water and walk along the BOTTOM of the river!!!!! (God is amazing, creative, unique, awesome!!!!)
They can stay submerged for 5 to 6 minutes.

They also can run along the bottom of the river.
On land a hippo can outrun an Olympic althlete, they top 35 miles and hour - but only for a few hundred meters.
The closest relative to a hippo is not an elephant or rhino but a whale and porpoise.
Their bodies secrete a natural sunscreen to protect them from the sun, its red.
Steve Irwin, the crocodile hunter and psycho (may he rest in peace) was quoted as saying that a five minute river crossing of hippo infested water was the most dangerous and scary thing he ever did!!!!

So anyway...Brian and Heidi were on this river boat tour and hippos were on the shore and then sent out sentry hippos. Hippos are known to attack human and boats because they are soo territorial, especially in water. They submerge and then go under the boat and flip it and their enormous jaws snap you like twig. They dont eat you, they are happy herbivores. They just kill you. SO hippos were in the water and they were terrified. and you cant see them because they are under water just temporarily surfacing to check out their small boat and their location.I cannot even imagine being in that situation. Apparently their tour guide was new and he seemed amused by all of this. I am not sure I would have not succumbed to heart failure.

They lived to tell the story so Praise God there.
Hippos own crocodiles also.
and a hippo will run you over to get to water. It will not divert its route to avoid you.
They are the number one animal responsible for deaths in Africa.
Yes, hippos.

(I still think they are cute though)

Bloom where you are planted

2008-08-28T23:37:00.004-05:00

My boyfriend.
He bought me a rose.

It was the most gorgeous and ruby red rose I had ever laid eyes on.
Seriously, its beauty and perfection was a sight to behold.
Now I tried to take into account that perhaps that my boyfriend gave it to me, made it the most beautiful rose I have ever seen but that did not affect my opinion in the end.

Our story does not have a happy, easy and safe beginning. We actually came together under some difficult terms and that caused us lots of strife and stress. Today we had a long talk and I have to say that if I had to do it all over, I would.
I have found someone who really loves me. It perplexes me why sometimes.
Tonight after I asked why he chose to love me so unconditionally, he looked into my eyes and told me that I "was the greatest person ever, besides Jesus of course."

Without the rain, there would be no rainbows.
He teaches me about patience and love almost every single day.
He helps me let the past go and smile at the future.
God is so good to me.

Send me, I'll go

2008-08-23T00:19:00.002-05:00

But would I really? Would I go to Zambia? with the lions? and the malaria? and the 18 hour flight?

I wonder this and more as I pray and reflect on the mission trip my friends are on as we speak. 5 people that I recently became close friends with are in Zambia doing God's work. These two married couples and one single guy traveled to Northern Africa and are camping in a wild game park (seriously, of all the places I would NOT want to camp that is close to #1). During the day they will teach "pastors" from the area. Now I put quotes around the word pastor because this area is so deprived of bibles, missionaries, and Christians that once someone becomes a believer they are automatically a pastor!! So crazy. So Brian and Heidi, Kareem and Ashley, and Matt are there teaching the pastors and their wives how to create disciples. And how to live a Christian lifestyle. They partnered with a man named Dan from Texas (he was one of the general speakers at the LEGACY conference, if you were blessed enough to be in attendance)and a missionary who stays in Zambia named Koos. These pastors and their wives walked days to receive this teaching. Can you imagine walking days? Can you imagine not having a bible? How much we in America take our bibles for granted! I just wrote a blog last night and mentioned that people dont read the bible at all, but I bet they still have at LEAST one in their house. I have 4 bibles. Seriously. 4. 2 NIV, some study one called a SEEKER bible, and I won an ESV Urban translation one in a raffle at the LEGACY. I look up various commentaries online from time to time and I plan to get a concordance and perhaps a bible dictionary.
Really sarah?
You need all that?
And sometimes a day goes by where I dont read it at all.
So taken for granted,,, my access to God's Word.

The people of Zambia do not have this access so every word that is spoken to them by other Christians is of utmost importance, relevance, weight, etc. That some serious pressure to be accurate.

At the LEGACY conference, Shai Linne mentioned the arduous process of translating the bible and spoke how many people all over the world are not fortunate enough to have a copy of God's Word in their own language. That would be horrible. I mean they dont have God's word and cannot study His divine plan for humanity and His creation. They cannot see how the Old testament confirms His grace and undying, undefiled love for humanity despite their stupid, bad, wrong choices and denial of him over and over. They are not schooled by Paul in the New testament on how to build up a church or how to live for Christ. They are not blessed by reading Matthew, Mark, Luke and Johns gospels and accounts of Christs life on earth and death for us on the cross.

Next time I choose another book over the bible or am not just not interested in studying my bible that day, I want to remember to take full advantage of my access and privilege to be able to read God's word. How much more responsibility do we have to make disciples since we are blessed and chosen to already have the Bible? there is like 900 versions and study aides to help us.

Please Pray for those who dont have God's word, but love him all the same.
But even more, I want to pray for those who DO have God's Word, but choose not to read it for they will be held accountable to God the Father.

When I die and I meet God, I want my actions on earth to show Him I love Him and His Word.

A few years ago before I understood the meaning and importance of the Bible, my friend Martell explained it to me like this: Have you ever received a letter from someone you really liked/loved? You would keep it and read it over and over again right? Well, the bible is God's love letter to us and one of the ways He speaks to us.

Please pray for the people of Zambia to receive Christ into their hearts.
Please also pray for Brian and Heidi, Matt, Kareem and Ashley as they do the Lord's work in Africa for the next week and half.

To My Heart

2008-08-22T01:30:00.003-05:00

"I'll never trust you again...

Just thrown for a loop, cause thought I could trust you...

Nothing but inconsistency..

saying sex is the best way to ease pain....

signing my name on sin I knew I shouldnt of committed...."

-- FLAME

That song. Its amazing. It home too hard. I mean, I cant trust my heart. Its tells me the stupidest things to do, and until now I followed my heart. Growing up people tell you (Disney tell you) Trust your heart, follow your heart but the Bible says different.

God's word says different: The Lord saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. --Genesis 6:5

People get these ideas. Where? I dont know.
So many conversations I have had with people this week and they go something like:

Hey Sarah, you are pretty into Jesus/religion/God, whats with that? Thats crazy, YOU? (thats a quick synopsis of 3 different conversations with 3 different people)
And I am like: Yeah, I love to love to love Jesus.
And they say something like: Oh, um, me too.
And I say: For real? Oh what you reading and learning in the Bible?
They say: I dont read the bible. I just try to do what I think God would want me to do,
OR
They Say: I dont need to read the Bible. I am alright with God. If I die tonight I am fine with the Lord.
OR
They say: No one reads the bible.

And I am sad. How you know what to do if you dont know who Jesus is or what he actually did? He wasnt all rose petals and lollipops-nice to everyone and echoing every Disney movie ever with a whisper of "Follow your heart."

I have this anger that I didnt learn this all earlier. I want everyone else to know, that everything you know right now is wrong. My whole family, they got it all wrong. So backwards. Its not about being a nice person. Its not about being a good person and then God wouldnt really let you go to hell. I wonder where people get these ideas of God and their hearts. Popular culture?

That isnt even what this blog was originally going to be about. I carry this burden of my life before Christ with me. This heavy, awkward, bulging burden of life before Christ. I am saved. Christ did rescue me. I look back at my life previous and it was so bleak, so sad, so ridiculous. I look and hate myself. I look back at my wake. I see a war zone of people I hurt and others that I pulled close and just let tear me apart. I tore me apart using various methods that i cant even speak about most of the time. Repeatedly. Over and over. Its a nightmare. A horror film that I see whenever I turn around. I pray to let it go alot. But I really feel like its part of me. I will never really be free because those experiences make me who I am. They make me so shy now. They make me so untrusting of all these new people I am meeting. They cause division between me and these new friends I am making because I know all of them never did as many bad things. When I hear testimonies of other Christians and they say how their lives were before they never compare to the years of sin and brokeness that I lived. But I cant get over it. It stalks me down.

My past is not my future but I cant help but increduously stare at what I have left behind me. I know as I stare and obcess over it I am missing the fullness of the grace and forgiveness being bestowed upon me but the brokenness is so extreme. Everytime I am a little broken now, the lion of the past comes roaring through threatening to tear it all down and pull back the veil to reveal that perhaps I am not as changed as I hope for. I try to rebuke that fear daily but sometimes it is too much.

When I used to walk and do outreach with the prostitues on Madison Ave, I would tell them God was big enough for them and their problems and situations and I believed that. Mariko was the first person to say that to me at Arturo's Tacos on Armitage and Western in Chicago as I cried to her about what I had done. I do believe that.

Its a weird twisted issue of pride that somehow I think my past, my behavior and way of living was somehow so horrible that Christ's perfect life and subsequent death on the cross cannot possibly cover it? I know God showers me in forgiveness but I just cant forgive myself. And it hurts.

Cannonball

2008-07-31T14:13:00.004-05:00

Why is it so hard for me? I want to meet new people that are Christian and value the same things that I do but it is a nightmare to me to actually do that. I hate hate hate talking about myself and sharing details of my life. I don't have a neat and tied up testimony that I feel comfortable sharing. Maybe I should get to work on that...?

I dont know what to share, what not to share, what I wont feel naked and exposed and vulnerable later for having shared.

There is a line between being transparent and honest and my personal privacy but I am not sure where that line is drawn right now, and I am stepping so carefully to not mess it up. But then is that really transparent? Doesnt everyone, even CHristians, reveal only what they want others to see? Honestly, though is anyone really transparent? I think that most people are like translucent- let some light through and you can see there is something there but not as clear as a window and not opaque letting no light through.
I am pondering. Maybe scrambling as I attempt to enter a new community of women and other Christians. It is seriously so foreign to me, its like another language and code of conduct ( code of the christian streets, haha) that I am not totally familiar with.

Usually, I sit by quietly observing and figuring out what to do and what I want to do and then like months later I can dip a toe in the water and feel it all out. Last night at my first women's bible study it was just all out cannonball in the water and Who am I and who are you. It was refreshing and enjoyable to an extent, but I left and felt worried and sensitive and out of place. I seriously stayed up half the night being like what if they know this about me? Or that I did that? Which sins are too big to share with other people (not God)? Or if they really knew that I swear or if they dont think I should date or etc then everything will be ruined? Paranoia. For real. Trusting is not my strong suit. But I dont think its unfounded. This intentional attempt at a positive community is tearing me apart, but in the end will it help stitch it all back together and be fortifying and edifying?

heart of stone

2008-07-23T13:29:00.002-05:00

Lord I pray that my heart is not hardened.

I was reading in the bible that no one hates their brother/neighbor yet loves the Lord. I feel I have been hating on some people in my heart, and sometimes just putting it out there. I want to soften my heart and really live out the Love that Christ has for me.

Lord let them know I am a Christian by my actions.

this website is amazing. www.wings-of-healing.com Thats where I got the picture. Check it out.

I do.

2008-07-22T12:45:00.001-05:00

I still love Chicago though. Dont get it twisted.

Where in the world in Lynwood, Illinois?

2008-07-21T22:56:00.003-05:00

I was perusing the paper at work the other day, and as that particular family receives every major newspaper known to man I am not sure which ones it was I found this story in, but I came across a peculiarly alarming story concerning fashion.

Apparently, the fine town of Lynwood, Il has outlawed sagging your pants. (It's when you wear your pants so low that your undies show. There is various degrees of this hip and trendy fashion statement, from all out wearing the waist of your pants under your butt cheek or just a little low.)Its super dumb. I hate it and want to smack people I dont even know in the back of the head and tell them to pull their pants up like I am their momma. But I don't. I have limits. And you should too. So should the government of LYNWOOD Illinois. Illegal? I mean, is it that serious?

What I used to wear to high school should probaly be illegal also. I was a punk rocker til I D-I-E!! Amazing. My friends and I used to ravage the resale shops and Goodwills for old men's plaid golf pants and mailman pants and just other scary scary articles of clothing. Often these were several sizes too large and accompanied by a rather large and omnious wallet chain and band t shirt or hawaiian shirt. I kid you not. I wish I had pictures. My mom was slightly amused, but appreciated my creativity and expression. If those outfits were not illegal then sagging should reign free.

WHy is this illegal? Because the mayor of Lynwood said he is trying to establish a center for commerce in his town and he cant do that with men and boys wearing their pants so low that you can see their underwear.
Interesting.
Ok.
So let's play along.
My boyfriend and I played a game as we drove through Chicago we called
"Fashion choices more offensive than sagging." Most of the fashion crimes we saw were perpetrated by women. Although they are not often criminals of sagging, they can be very scandalously dressed in public. What about shirts with no bra? Book em. Too short shirts exposing belly or back fat? Go directly to jail, do not pass GO because Honey? you get no money here. Short shorts? How is that not illegal already, but more importantly how is that comfortable? Your ENTIRE butt cheek is visible to me.
And those low rise jeans women wear? When they sit down or bend over to pick something up, its a full moon. That is a form of sagging? Especially guilty when accompanied by a "tramp stamp" ( a tattoo visible when wearing low rise jeans- directly above your butt crack )

But do I think that officer friendly will be pulling over the town women for exposing themselves in the summer heat?
I do not.

Now I could go into a few more paragraphs concerning the racial implications here and how this fashion is worn by a specifically targeted group of males in society but instead, I am taking the personal liberty and freedom of all in fashion choice stance. Join me?

Is this really the biggest crime problem in Lynwood? Maybe they could start tackling Chicago's problems if they aren't busy over there.

Maybe Lynwood should put in an Olympic bid for 2016?

Screw the people of Beijieng, Bring on the Olympics.

2008-07-21T22:39:00.004-05:00

So today I was sitting in a Subway in Winnetka having a $5 foot long ( I know you just sang the song in your head)with a girl I babysit. Since everything is ridiculously pampered and over the top in Winnetka, I was sitting in a leather cushioned chair in their "lounge" complete with a flat screen plasma tv which had stereo sound. The television was tuned to CNN and I watched this story with pure amazement.

It seems Beijieng has too much pollution, and this is embarrassing because the world will be watching on 08-08-08 (how cute)as the Olympics are coming to town. Effectively immediately, all the factories there are closed and the workers on a NON paid "vacation." This is a stop gap solution which will not clear up or clean out any of the pollution but millions more fumes and harmful agents will not be released into the atmosphere, at least until the Olympics are over. And also starting today, everyone who lives in the city can only drive every other day. If you have a car, you have to get a special permit which tells you which few days of the week that you can use your own car on. Again, stop gap not effective in cleaning or working for a better future but just until the Olympics are over....

Am I taking crazy pills?
The people of Beijieng are not happy. This one guy was freaking out in Chinese ( I assume) and saying something about how he lives day to day on his paycheck in the factories and what is he going to do. I bet there are alot more people out there wondering how they will survive this next month and half. But hey, as long as the OLYMPICS go off without a hitch THATS what is important. hey, One world one dream right? Thats the slogan? One dream of what? THis gets more ridiculous by the day.

Ahem, Mayor Daley, are you taking notes?
Of course you are.
2016 Stir the soul?
not so much,
How about relocate-all-the-homeless-repeatedly-to-hide-the-problem-and-screw-the-working-man-in-Chicago-what-about-our-increased-level-of-pollution-and-what-about-the-transit-problem 2016?
Yay.
I volunteer to make t shirts.

Chicago, What the hell?

2008-07-18T23:12:00.003-05:00

Chicago is pissing me off.

I like Jody Weiss, the new superintendent. I think its awesome that he came up in here and fired all those police superintendents and higher ups so he could start over and deal with corruption. I do not think violence is out of control in Chicago, anymore than it ever is. Every summer everyone freaks out like gun violence in Chicago during warm weather is a new thing. I am not saying it doesnt matter, it does so get mad, get angry, motivate, assemble, pray lets do this....But this is not brand new information to any of us. Why do we have to go through the act of being shocked and blown away like this somehow symbolizes the armegeddon. Every year people, every year gangbangers take to the streets with their guns and innocent people get shot in the crossfire. Its bull, yes, but this is not brand new information. This is not a new phenomenon. I am not sure why we cant seem to solve this problem, but perhaps its because we spend the first month and a half of summer pretending like its a huge shock this is happening. Lets all just go in the house a little earlier and keep our kids out the dang streets.

The transit system. Are you kidding me? No, for real? We cant get this together but we want to add like 50 million people to the city during the summer in few years for the Oympics? Are they all going to walk? Our transit system is a joke. They threaten doomsday every other month and scare people with fare increases and route cuts. Who am I faulting? I am blaming all that on Our stupid excuse for a governor, Blagoyevich. I do not care I may have spelled this man's name wrong, I do not care. His name should be demoted to a four letter word. He promised the CTA like 32 million dollars and decided last week to take it back. Um, sorry, sir there's no takesies backsies after you sign off on it. The Chicago Transit Authority did not cut routes or hike fares because you told them not to! You, Governor dipwad, promised them funds to the tune of 32 million dollars to bail them out. Then, to further screw with the CTA you made them give seniors free and reduced fare cards which you promised to pay for. Its like he is kidding, like hahah April Fools! I dont get it, are him and Todd Stroger best friend forever?

R.B + T.S = Partners in Crime for a new Chicago?????

Cmon. Is anyone else paying attention?

Or are we all too excited about the State troopers and National Guardsmen coming to the Chi to help police our streets? Thats a great idea. Its nice the State Troopers could take time out of their busy schedules of writing speeding tickets on the interstates to hang out with the bangers and work for peace. I am sure their training totally equipped them to deal with urban violence and city issues.

On a positive note, I heard the City of Chicago bought a new battalion of Police SUVS! Wheee money well spent there, because the regular cars were not effective at fighting crime or fixing the worst schools and hospitals in the nation or funding our transit system, but these Ford Explorers should get everything back in order! Not to mention they take more gas and somehow that all works out to help the city save money and fight crime.

Another bright spot is Mayor Daley just raised 12 million the other night for the Olympic Bid! Yay. At least he knows whats important in this city, I feel so warm and fuzzy that our fearless leaders have righted the ship of Chicago and are steering us in the direction of a brighter future for all.

Lowlights :(

2008-07-16T12:06:00.002-05:00

So as I was waiting for the train in Colorado I struck up a conversation with Mr. Steers (see previous post). Mr. Steers got up to take a walk around the station and asked me to watch his bags for a minute. The man on the other side of me told me that was against Amtrak policies and they ask you about that when they take your ticket. (Anyone suspicious? Any unattended bags? Anyone ask you to watch their things? Were your bags out of sight for any length of time?) They didnt ask. But the large, furry, odd man next to me proceeded with the conversation about safety and I listened. Then he spoke about other things. He was a truck driver from Kansas, he has a house there but is never home, he is taking the train to Omaha, he had to quit his dream of college to work after his father lost his job, he is ultra conservative. And finally our conversational turning point: He does not think our president is conservative enough. This is when I officially entered the conversation. I asked what does he feel our president is not conservative enough concerning? He said immigration. I further inquired as to how.

(Quick note: most of you know me to be quite the fireball when it comes to debating and other inflamatory conversations, but let me help you out a little here. This man was very large, a little odd and I was in the middle of a train station in Colorado. And I know how to be polite and respectful, when I need to be! And since it was warm I was not wearing my Barack My World sweater.)

He felt that we should build a fence ALL AROUND the country, an iron curtain, if you will. He went on and on. I listened. Some people next to him were nodding in agreement. I was slightly amused. (I really missed Chicago at this point)
Then he concluded with some ignorant crap and was done.
I asked him if he loved his parents, which I knew were still alive as he had previously mentioned. He seemed intriqued and answered that he did. I asked if what lengths would he go to if they needed medical care that our country did not provide, or if they were starving and no food was available? Would he walk to Canada? Perhaps enter Illegally if it meant they could live? He just looked at me.
Then he said he did support some sort of resident worker program. That we should get something like that going, on a bigger level. But that if these people from other countries insisted on coming here they should wait in line. I asked him how do you wait in a 3 year line of endless red tape when your life and your families lives are in imminent jeopardy? If even the governments are corrupt and in killing people, at that point what do you do?
He said well if you cross the border, then you cut in line and screw others. I agreed but felt that I cannot fault people for trying to provide basic needs like life and food to those they love. I see it from a human standpoint, not a fiscal one.
I also said that we are a country of immigrants and that no one is really from here. I then rambled on (boringly I am sure) about how even the first people in the America's , the Clovis people, walked here from China across the Bering Strait so in a sense emigrating!
Then he said, "well they have to learn english."
"Who?" I said.
"Those immigrants you want to come here. It's for their own good. The government needs to make it mandatory for them to all learn English." he declared satisfactorily.

Then, I asked a rhetorical question. I said, " Dont ultra conservatives dislike the government and any involvement in their personal lives whatsoever?"

He affirmed that and elaborated that government should mind its own business at all times and stay away.

So I asked isnt that intrusive to require people to learn a language? Isnt that very personally intrusive? And who decided English is the national language?

He turned to me and stared. And then laughed loudly.
He said,"You are smart. You are a woman, and you are smart!"
I told him that was a confusing compliment.
He said he had never met a woman that could argue so well with him.He was serious.

Was that really a lowlight? Not sure. But this conversation followed with some very awkward moments of him following me around the station, onto the train and forcing me to move seats twice.

Other lowlights:

Since our train was so delayed, I guess the bathrooms filled up and they had to shut them off two hours before we got there. SO no bathroom. They were disgusting, seriously. Horrifying. Scary. They are like airplane bathrooms with the suction and metal and smallness.

We drove through the flooded midwest towns and I was shocked. Six miles from the Mississippi was still flooded. Whole farms under water. I saw cars, trucks and SUVs floating alongside farming equipment. The houses and barns were still underwater except their roofs. The interstates are still closed. Amtrak told us that the train was shut down for 4 weeks as they had to rebuild the entire line through that area. I had no idea. It was silent on the train as we crawled through the area at like 20 miles an hour. It was horrific. It just looked like one huge lake. No evidence of anything else but the tall trees sticking out occasionally. I wondered if all the animals died? I hurt for the families who lost everything; farms, crops, houses, cars, lives.... It still amazes me the devastation water can cause. I wondered how the price of food will be affected further. Hurrican Katrina came to mind, as I have seen pictures and they do compare. Everyone was pressed against the windows and it was silent on the train for like half an hour. the water came up to about feet from the train line.

I ate a hot dog that man pulled from a plastic bag that he cooked in the microwave. I regretted it immediately. I am still horrified at my food choice. It was either that or a ham and american cheese sub or tuna salad on wheat. Sick. And I paid like 5dollars for it.

but im home now and its all but faint memories.

come on ride the train- CHOO CHOO ride it.

2008-07-15T21:19:00.002-05:00

I am not sure if you are aware of that song from the 90's but its in my head and an appropriate title!

My mom came out to Colorado so I came home. Since it was a last minute changing of the guards type of deal, plane fares were outrageous which was perfect because I hate hate hate flying. SO I took the Amtrak. I guess I would have to disagree that its the way to really fly, seeing as how it was supposed to take 18 hours and 41 minutes but it really took like 23 hours. Also, I pretty sure if I was in better shape I could have riden a bicycle alongside the train at the same speed if not faster. But the seats were comfortable and for the most part I was left alone to relax which was good because I needed it.

So here are the highlights (with pictures) and lowlights of my first big girl train ride:

The seats were nice.
I got to just look out the window and watch stuff go by.
I colored pictures for like three hours and listened to my IPOD.

I met a man who was from Alexandria, New Orleans. His name was Mr. Steers and he was 60 and looked like an older, balder Bruce Willis. He was friendly and we talked at the station and he was a happy nice man. We parted ways as we boarded the train on different cars but I caught up with him in the morning in the viewing car. Here he is entertaining two kids who had tired out their mom with their incessant talking. As you can see he is wearing a Superman shirt, which is funny because the kids thought he was really Superman and thats why they started talking to him. The boys were Jazmon who was entering first grade this year and his younger brother Jason. Jazmon was wearing a power ranger shirt and thought he WAS the red ranger. Jason was wearing a spiderman shirt and thought he WAS spiderman. So it makes sense that when they saw happy smiley Mr. Steers in the lounge car they were excited to have a superhero meeting. Besides hearing the three of them talk about their "lives" as superheroes, I was entertained when Jazmon took off Mr. Steers hat and was surprised that he was bald. Jazmon says, "why dont you have hair?" and Mr. Steers, much to my joy and appreciation replied, "I do. Its invisible hair."
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When I departed the train, delayed four hours or so, exhausted, drained, hot, and having to use the bathroom (see low lights)I was blown over and surprised to see Marquis waiting for me. I was so happy and thrilled I cried. He laughed and hugged me and carried my heavy computer bag (stuffed to the gills with books I didnt get a chance to read and my laptop) and 50 lb suitcase six blocks to the green line, then up the stairs the the blue line, then to transfer to the bus then 4 blocks home as I pranced along side of him carrying a bag of pretzels and my purse! I felt like a princess or something and smiled the whole way. I have zero idea what I would have done if he had not thought to meet me. I am not strong. I have never seen someone do something so incredibly unselfish and wonderful for me. He sacrificed his time and his body (those were very heavy bags)and I just love him to death and am still so impressed and touched at how much he loves me for no good reason. I am very difficult and slightly crazy.

ON that happy note, I will end this post and fill you in on the lowlights of the trip tomorrow.

To be continued...

Puffin love

2008-07-09T14:08:00.002-05:00

Can i get a WIDNESS?

2008-07-07T16:17:00.005-05:00

thats the name of my sisters doctor. Dr. Widness. Pray for him because the man needs help. No one can figure out what is wrong with her, and she is hurtin.

here is me typing this blog:

I got a new phone with an awesome camera in it. So be excited about way more pictures. Usually they will be of Chicago and places I go but enjoy Colorado for now.

This was such a long weekend, and I have an even longer week ahead of me. Man, Im so tired and just down.

There were a few highlights this weekend though.

My cousin and cousin in law (fc 1 and 2) came to visit and hang out. Her husband is from England and they apparently do not play UNO there so we had to teach him. I helped (cheated mildly) him to pour vengenace upon my aunt (his mother in law) in the form of draw two and draw fours because she was being such a stickler about the rules and no help for him. We laughed alot and ate calzones. The game really seemed to perk up my sister and her blood pressure got as close to normal as it would all weekend.

The hospital she is at had a pamphlet on a therapy dog service and I was excited. On sunday I inquired and they signed her up. An hour later, there was a knock on the door and in walked a young man and the enormous fuzzy Missy the therapy dog complete with little tiny green bows in her hair. They stayed for a few minutes and we talked about and pet Missy and it was fun But this young man told us you can bring your own dog to the hospital. We were like WHAT???? We love our dogs in our family, like LOVE to love to love our dogs. My boyfriend often says I like dogs more than people and that may not be entirely false.

SO here is some documentation of her dog, Banana, visiting her in the hospital and cheering her greatly! What a great idea this hospital has!

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I love my sister

2008-07-05T01:59:00.002-05:00

Kim Murphy is my favorite. She is very sick. Please take a minute to pray for her for strength and healing and for her to surrender herself to the Lord. Please.

things I miss

2008-07-03T10:09:00.007-05:00

I'm in Colorado. I cant breathe, the altitude is so high which makes the air so thin... It hasnt stopped raining. My sister is real sick and I am worried. I am tired and restless and anxious. I like home and my cat. Here is a self indulgent blog which is full of things I miss, photographically.

I miss my cat. My sisters friend is watching her and loving her which is good and a blessing becuase I am not sure when I am coming back. But I miss her and her marshmallow paws.

This is Jack. I babysit for him every week. He just started crawling. When I get back he will maybe be close to walking and saying even more words!

this is Jack's brother, Thomas. I babysit for him even before Jack was born! T is in love with baseball. He knows stats, teams, players, logos, and he is only three. He is great. These two boys are the lights of my life, I couldnt love them more if they were my own.

My brushes. I miss my brushes and paints and canvases. I was working on a cool painting full of blues before I left. I contemplating bringing it all here but I may be taking a plane home and then how would I fit it in luggage and etc. I am sad and I want to paint.

This is me squeezing Cubby as she lays in her bed.

this is my grandma's dog, Cubby, and she is crabby and not very cuddly most of the time. I miss her because she is cute and allows me to harrass her daily. She is very weird.

t
this is marquis. I was missing him even before I left......

I love the Chi. Its home. I like home. I hate traveling.
This is the view of Gospel Fest as a storm rolled in over Millenium Park.
Gothically beautiful.

Yeah, I have only been away for a few days but I felt the need to express my sentiments through pictures.

Sudhir Venkatesh

2008-07-02T07:54:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I can just feel when a book is going to be amazing. I know its going to invogorate me and change me up. I know that before reading "Gang leader for a day" by the "rogue sociologist" Sudhir Venkatesh. I get a little nervous before reading these books, I put it off and look at the cover alot as if I am not yet ready for the wealth of information and motivation it is going to provide.

I cracked it last night and read like 100 pages. The foreword said that the Sudhir has an overdeveloped curiosity and an underdeveloped sense of fear. I laughed because that is something my grandma and grampa have said about me for years. Sudhir says he is not interested in being a stuffy scientific sociologist and that through math and those surveys you cant get to really know people. I am not interested in all that scientific quantitative stuff but I am getting a sociology degree. People ask me all the time what my career will be and it is the same as when I was little, I want to work with the poor in Chicago. I know it will be working for equality across class and race lines. Thats it. Thats all I know. Much to the dismay of others, I lack lofty financial aspirations. I just need t make enough for me, a small apartment, a dog and cat, and an occasional trip to Target!!! :)

But when I read people like Sudhir I get excited. I will let you know how it reads out.

Sidenotes:

People with Nevada license plates tend to be more agressive, taunting drivers.

I will see my sissy in like 5 hours, I cant wait.

Motel Six is not bad, They leave the light on for you too.

I miss my cat! ISnt that silly? My sisters friend is watching her and sent a picture today and I got all wistful and sad.

Cash Rules Everything Around Me?

2008-06-27T01:30:00.005-05:00

I am currently reading "There are no white picket fences here: structural racism and community revitalization methods in Cabrini Green" by Lakeasha Garner.

Structural racism is a sneaky, elusive little bastard. You cant see it, like the old racism of KKK and "no coloreds" signs. Its hidden, its cleaned up and tucked under tight lipped smiles and redlining procedures. Its institutionalized. I have had countless conversations on which was the greater evil; blatant racism or institutional/structural racism. They are very different. The conclusion is always that the latter is more damaging, to more people, in a way that is not as easy to combat. If you smile to my face, but dog me behind my back then it is not as easy to fight you. Thats an incomplete broken down version of that kind of racism. It seeps into government and society, and there is always an excuse for it.

Housing projects are examples of the long term effects of structural racism in the real estate field. As Blacks moved North to escape the Jim Crow laws and practices of the South, they were not free to live anywhere. They were redlined, or "steered" to the South side (present day Bronzeville) and then eventually the West side. The housing projects were originally for the European immigrant workers but they were able to assimilate into the White classes and the North bound (freedom seeking) Blacks were arriving en masse. The real estate practices like denying loans for minority buyers and encouraging buyers to buy in racially homogenous neighborhoods have resulted in stark racial segregation today. The Black neighborhoods became impoverished due to racism, and a resulting lack of employment and oppportunities available. These public housing developments have served to create a feeling of isolation both economically and racially. But is it a good thing they are coming down?

I am torn. Having been in and all around Cabrini I can say confidentally that they are an example of hell of earth. No need to go into any more detail, I am sure we all watch the news and see the obcession with violence and drama. Its a true haven and breeding ground for drugs, sex, abuse, crime, violence, just Brokenness and sin.

But admist this hell on earth, these people have built a community. I have no place to be judging anyone who be living there, I dont know them...I dont live their life so I cant know enough to make their choices. But the community ties are obvious. Being lower income, there is a great deal of sharing and interdependence going on with the residents. If they dont have it, someone else does or knows how to get it for cheap. Its a sense of home among the violence and nightmarishness.

There are stories passed around though, like a game of telephone, that ignorant people cling to. I believe its an attempt to justify, to reconcile, to make themselves feel better about why we allow people to live in that situation, about the obvious racial issue at the heart of these dilapidated projects. They go like this: That the Black people ruined the projects, that when built they were glittering towers of free housing, the residents were so ignorant they removed their screen doors and put them over their bathtubs to create a supersize grill, no one there works, they take advantage, white people are killed for going in there.....
Really? Yeah and according to the movie from the 90's, the Candyman lives there too and he is made of bumblebees and comes out from behind the bathroom mirror to kill you.

All of this leads to a question of was it right to tear down these "projects" and displace the people?

Well, the motives are what matters.

The area around Cabrini is hot property now!!!!!! In the shadow of downtown... The city all of a sudden wants that useless land thay they exiled the black people to early in the century. They can take it and sell it to white yuppies who want to be just ouside the downtown area and have condos with elevators. But what is most upsetting to me is that Mayor Daley is trying to reactivate the white flight phenomenon. White flight isnt really a phenomenon, actually. Its when whites move to escape minority's. Daley has said several times he wants to bring the people with money back to the city. And what does that mean? What does that look like? How do you do that? Well, you get rid of the people that scared them out in the first place. But its not enough to just tear down those projects and create million dollar condo's for them, we need to push the former residents out into the suburbs (further stimulus for relocation of heavily white residents in suburbia). Ta-daa! White flight back to city. Its a perfect storm. A sick one, being ground in greed, profit and fear but a mastermind plan to get what they want.

Also other businesses that jumped at the chance to snatch up a pretty parcel of land (hey.. what up Park Church?) completly ignorant to what they are doing to the area.

Same thing on the West side! Ooh all that pretty land around the Garfield Park Conservatory, lets sell that now! We wondered why the park was being redone and the only stop on the Green Line to be aesthetically pleasing ws the Conservatory not to mention the neighborhood library being built...

Sometimes i wonder, just who the Urban Ministry's will be serving in a few years? I am sure their biggest dreams are to be able to go out of business because everyone is loving Christ, self sufficient and communities are working together but thats not realistic. I believe that these new residents need to see and experience the realness of Christ as much as the ones they will be replacing, but most Urban ministries I have seen are not structured to cater to that middle and upper middle class population.

I got off track somewhere up there. But look for a small series of future posts detailing the feminization of poverty and then the overrepresentation of Black males in prisons and the reasons I found after seeking an answer in the DePaul and Chicago Library's and Sociology Dept at DePaul.

Gotta learn before you can make a difference.

The Olympics

2008-06-22T12:04:00.002-05:00

I like sports. I do. I played sports; gymnastics, baseball, cheerleading (its a sport), swimming, one year of basketball (i sucked it up), I even was on track for half a year in high school.

I usually like the Olympics, summer ones especially for the swimming and gymnastics.

I will NOT watch this year.

The games are in China, who has been proven to be supporting and supplying the Government in Darfur with money and tons of guns and ammunitions. The Sudan supplies China with all of its oil. Neither side is shy about this partnership, its common knowledge. The genocide in Darfur, perpetrated by the government against its people, is also common knowledge.

Besides the act of supplying the Janjaweed with tools with which to slaughter millions of people, there are countless human rights violations in Beijing and other areas of China.

I like sports and recreational activities, I support them, I enjoy them, I relish in them. Wheeeee.

But not more than I like life, and morality and what's obviously right. ANd supporting the Olympics this summer is not right. Can we look the other way and celebrate health and sports and fun while their is a genocide going on?

This would be like having Germany hold the Olympics during the Holocaust. That would have been ridiculous. This isnt different. Why do we need to have years elaspsed since an event such as a mass genocide to understand its consequences or ramification? Why does it take so long to get a conscience?

This is wrong. China is making the genocide possible. Now we just want to hang out and watch them host the Olympics which is a display of countries coming together anr exhibiting sportsmanship and good conduct and sport prowess. Its a symbol of freedom and globalization and unity. It an attempt for the world to all get along and drink Coca Cola.

I am boycotting the Olympics.

Go to www.dreamfordarfur.org and see whats up there.

Seriously, dont wait years to look back and think you should have done something. Answer back now.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
--MLK from Birmingham jail

Merry Maids?

2008-06-18T22:32:00.002-05:00

I love summer because I get to read what I want. I get into this groove and read like 3 books a week. Sometimes I think I learn more useful knowledge in the summer that in a quarter at college! I dont read romancy girly crap novels. I read books that make my sister and friends cringe. They are case studies of urban issues, sociological meanderings on race and class, social structural dissertations and other non fiction but riveting material (with a Paulo Coeltho fiction thrown in perhaps). Can i sound more boring and weird? Not if I tried. But I love it. My eyes are bigger than my watch and brain capacity as I go to the library and get out 10 books at a time, knowing full well not only will these books never ever be back on time but they will not all be fully read. I stalk the used section at Amazon.com and spend a few hours a summer laying in the social science section of the bookstores. I like books. I like reading. I like learning.

Right now, I am reading Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Enhrenreich. Its ok. I am familiar with low wage labor and the problems that can cause so this was not extremely eye opening experience but I enjoyed the premise and her gumption to give up her life and assume the role of a low wage worker across America to see how it is done.
I babysit (nanny) for some rather wealthy families in the all too notorious North Shore area. I have spent the last few days at work daydreaming of these women caring and being so interested in the low wage labor that frequents their communities and houses that they undertake an experiment like this. Its all fun to me to think of this as I smile at the cleaning ladies as I usher the kids outside and clear of the monster vaccuums. Or as I offer a cold drink of water to the army of landscaping guys, I think of the situations being switched and these tired, sweaty men languishing about in enormous mansions where they "work from home" in air conditioned home offices for an hour a day then jet off to the country club for some "much needed" relaxation.

Excuse my bitterness. My job is pretty easy, and for the most part I love the kids.

The one thing I will be taking away from this book and amazing experiment Barbara undertook is when she says that she never had a cleaning lady. As she herself assumes the role of a merry maid, she comiserates on why she never in all her comfortablility and upper middle class existence, never hired a maid or maidS. SHe says that is not the kind of relationship she ever wanted to have with another human. That sentence was just revolutionary for me. TO employ someone else, to monitor someone else whose sole responsibility was to clean up after you was not the relationship Barbara wanted to have with another human. Thats all she said on that. But it was the most powerful sentence in the book to me. My gma has a cleaning lady because she insists on keeping her house even in her tiny, stooped, brittle old age. Kasia only comes once every two weeks and just vaccuums the carpets and cleans the bathroom and kitchen. And had lunch and chats with gran. She doesnt do laundry, or change sheets, or clean the basement or my upstairs. I offered to do this for Gran now that I am here, but my cleaning skills are not known to be transcendiary or prized. And Kasia has been around for 7 years or so, they spend as much time talking and eating and petting the dog as she does cleaning. But I am off the subject....
I hate cleaning and sometimes dreamed about one day getting a cleaning lady to come to my home. But after that sentence by Barbara and reading the book and really thinking... NO, because thats not the relationship I want to have with another human being either.

That statement seemed to have Christian written all over it, but alas, Barbara is a declared atheist. But to not want to have a shallow, purely demeaning relationship with another human that involves them just cleaning up after you and establishes a hierarchy of power the way that most cleaning situations do, thats good stuff. Thats really looking at things and setting up a heaven on earth. Most cleaning ladies get paid meager wages. Perhaps you are reading this and thinking what is the big deal? But my experiences in these BEYOND wealthy homes as hired help and then witnessing first hand the cleaning ladies and their experiences, compounded with reading this book with an insider view of low wage labor in America and getting further input of the demeaning nature...I am going to say that NO, thats not the relationship I ever want to have with another human. I just feel that is right. I want to buy multiple copies of this book and leave in the homes in which I work. Think they will read it?
You should.

Happy Father's Day

2008-06-15T21:36:00.002-05:00

I hate today. I always hated today. I dont have a father. I am so used to saying that, that it rolls off my tongue with no emotion. Sometimes people say the obvious: YOu have to have a father or you wouldnt have been born. Usually that was when I was kid and we had just been through 5th grade health class where we learned it took a mommy and a daddy. But I dont have a father. I had a father, but he was a jerk. He abused my mother and us and we left him when I was young. I still dont feel I have all the details. We had visits for a year or so after we left, but then no more. The last time I saw him I was 4 or 5. I have few memories of him but they are clear and not pleasant. I rarely talk about him to anyone, but his legacy is always with me. The empty part of my heart is never filled or fixed. The resulting negative impact on my mother he made, which she in turn passed on to us made it a double whammy of sorts. I see my loss and pain because of it. I see my sisters pain and loss because of it. I remember finding a book once in my mothers bedroom, it was called "How to Dad; a book for single mothers." I remember looking at it and thinking, that sucks she has to learn to be both. I hate Fathers day, I hate daddy daughter dances, and I am instantly jealous anytime I see a little girl walking with a man that may be her dad. I was driving home from work the other day and I counted 7 possible dads walking hand in hand with their small daughters, one on shoulders. I was jealous of them. I am not totally sure why the visits or talks with my dad stopped. I have heard a few stories: he was a jerk, he was not consistent, we (sissy and I) didnt want to see him anymore after him and his new girlfriend broke up, it was our decision... etc. And i worry that it was my decision. But who lets a four or five year old child and her six year old sister make that decision? I want that last day back. One of my memories was of the last time I saw him. We were in the parking lot of his apartment building, me in the front seat and Kim in the back. As we pulled into the parking lot, he told us that him and his girlfriend (Karen?) had broken up and she wasnt there. Then he asked us if we wanted to stay and we shook out heads no. Then he angrily began turning the car around and driving us home to my grandparents. I remember wanting the radio on so bad but knowing if I opened my mouth to talk I would cry. So instead I just sat there pointing at the knob on the radio. Thats it. Thats the last time. Its one of 3 memories I have of him. I have no pictures. I have no nothing. I have no stories. My sister and I have talked a fewe times about trying to contact him, but we dont know how and no one is willing to help us. I worry that if I try to find him, he may be dead and then I will freak out. I feel like I need to see him, I need to know he exists. I want to see my father. My mom used to say he would just mess up our lives and that he would wrek havok on all of us. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman holding white gloves or something. She used to ask me what I would even say to him and I said I just want to look at him for a few minutes. I said another time I wanted to ask why? Why didnt he ever try to find me? Her answer sometimes was that he had problems and his parents were bad to him. She said that he probaly has a whole other family. I want to know if he blocked us out. I want a chance to forgive him, even if he cant say sorry. I think that could fix that piece of me that tears me apart as hard as I try to push it down and away into the deepest part of my stomach. I am 28, I thought I would be over it by now. I thought i would lose that part of me that wants her dad. But its here. And I still HATE HATE HATE fathers day.

I was cleaning out a drawer in my grandma's attic awhile ago and I found this poem. It was on a crumbled piece of dirty lined paper in my unmistakable printing. I dont remember writing this, but its my feelings. I read it and it felt like home. I wrote it in 1999.

Oliver James

I had a dream last night
whilst all the rest slept
I've woken with a terrible fright

I dreamt of a ghost
Last night in this dream
not a hallowed terrific figure
but a ghost from the past.
I dreamt of my father
or rather, what he would be
what he should be
what he could be

He came to me in this dream
we did not embrace
even my dreaming, lying mind could not
concoct such an oddity
We merely just were.
As a father and offspring should be,
or as they 2 could be.

I didnt ask why never...
how could I finish that question,
2 fatherless children
1 husbandless wife
we made our own
the way it was

So in my facade
we just were
questions left dangling in the sparse air between us,
and I looked.

I looked at the man who I was,
whose own blood and life I possessed.
Whose disposition I rebuked.
Whose paranoia I fought every living day.
Who had caused me no little ammount of loneliness
Who I blamed for more than he could assume
the man who never knew me
but in this dream there was no bitterness,loneliness or sorrow
just a fullnes of heart
a rest of mind
my eyes could stop looking so hard
Finally, i was complete.

But then,
I awoke to the light of day
to find, NO
and then back-
back to wandering, wondering, waiting.
and back to the sadness in my heart.

Back to the bottom of the hill
so I could begin the battling ascent
back to searching the face of every man
for the one man I wanted the most
the one man who knew me the least
yet alluded me nevermore.

Break broke broken

2008-06-07T00:38:00.002-05:00

I saw this sentence awhile ago on Kevin Gwins blog, I think: Broken things break things.
It messed me up to think about the serious and utter obvious truth up in that.

broken things break things.
Breaking things is a result of brokennes
brokeness is from breaking
broke attracts broke resulting in more breaking and brokeness
broke
break
broken

What fixes it all? Love. Specifically, Jesus' love.

But when you are so broken, its hard to access that.
Being broken is apart from God, and the answer is to seek God.
But being broken is the opposite of that, and when you are broken you dont see it or you cant get it --- Thats why you are broken.

you are broken, so you break more.

Trio

2008-06-02T12:21:00.002-05:00

So I got accepted to a program at DePaul University. Its called the Trio program. It is for first generation college students from low income families. I had to be interviewed to see if I have an "at risk" profile. I do. That doesnt make me feel any better. When one of the ladies met with me to tell me I was accepted, she added that I am the only white student in the program. Apparently they will help me finish school. Its funny and I have never really admitted this before I was talking to the lady in the program, but I dont see myself finishing college. Dont get me wrong, I want to so bad but it seems like an unrealistic goal or expectation for me. I dream, big dreams alot, but thats what they seem to be: dreams. I told the lady that and she just looked at me, she said that was sad. I think it hurt to realize that. I am a junior now, so that means 2 more years. Thats a long time to be in this same place physically, financially, speaking.

Kick bricks.

2008-05-30T01:34:00.003-05:00

I never did get around to writing about my feelings on immigration.

I can only look at it from one point of view: Loving all people as Christ would want me to.

From that viewpoint, its not really an issue any further. I love people and that makes me not want them to suffer. Loving people makes me want to give them what they need. Loving people makes me want to sacrifice what I have.

I dont care about borders and political systems and all that noise with this issue. I mean, I appreciate the way i am able to live in America. I am blessed, so fortunate to have been born here as opposed to being born in a war torn, 3rd world country. I had no hand in that and all thanks belongs to the Lord for blessing me with being born with abundant resources that America offers (food, house, opportunities for education, limited oppression as a woman, freedom of religion especially to practice Christianity). The Lord blessed me with all this- how can I say I am better than others or more suited to live here than those that need to come here or even want to come here? Most people from other countries that come here that I have worked with or met, came here out of necesity; to support their families back home. They arent here because America is more fun or because they want to topple the government.

I get emails from certain members of my family saying that because of Mexicans specifically, the school system and health systems are toppling and that it sucks to pay taxes and have others benefit from that. It could be THE most selfish thing I know of to not allow starving and threatened people into our safe and food rich country. I throw away more food a day than people in other countries probaly get in a week. Its sick and twisted.

Ok so not only is it selfish, and some people read my blog that arent best friends with Jesus- for that sake I will just say its morally despicable to deny others a chance to eat, live, support their families, basically NOT DIE because we are afraid of not living as well off.

Let's redefine necessity for a second.

Right, so we want our kids to go to freaking Harvard and drive too big cars and other people just want their kids to eat and not die.

I mean when you put things into real life and death perspective, this whole immigration thing is not really an actual issue of what to do. It's what not to do: Dont bar people from coming into our country who need food and help to survive.

"But oh we send so much aid there."
Right but um, its not getting to everyone that needs it. So what are we saying, stay there and suffer war, disease, hunger, famine, genocide because we sent 25 dollars to some fund this month?

"Why dont all those people who want to come here go home and make their countries better?"
wow, great point but that takes time. And the poor people dont always have food let alone guns, weapons of mass destruction, military mobilization, etc. How do you fight the Taliban if you are hungry? Our freaking troops cant even find them, let alone fight them and they have lots of resources. And Mexico? even the police are corrupt there. Who do you call to help you? We dump all our garbage there across the border, what message is that sending to the people?

It just seems so freaking OBVIOUS. We have the room. We have the resources.

Have you seen Winnetka lately? Each house there can take half of a small country and feed and shelter them. I am going a little overboard but cmon. People are dying and suffering so we can hang out comfortably. Thats wrong no matter who and what you believe in.

Gran

2008-05-26T20:45:00.005-05:00

There was alot of places I wanted to celebrate Memorial Day today, a few BBQ's that sounded fun and I was craving some alone time with my boyfriend. But none of that happened....

I live with my grandma and since my grandpa died five years ago this Fathers Day, she gets very lonely and sad. My mom is usually over here to celebrate these holidays and she plans and her husband cooks and I can opt to be here or not. But my mom went to Florida and the other day my grandma was complaining that she had nothing to do for memorial day. So I planned a BBQ for just us. I was laying in bed this morning and a little sad that I had to stay home all day. Its very calm and quiet here and sometimes I feel like I am missing out on life. But tonight was fun. We bought alot of vegetables and some beef to assemble shish ka bobs and cooked some corn on the cob. I blackened almost everything a little bit and definitely burned off ALL of the hair on the my right arm and hand. (I feel the instructions on the charcoal lighter should perhaps be more specific and, well, instructive!) Then, I got the bright idea to make smores. We only had small marshmallows and I was challenged to brown them. We had fun and I realized I am lucky to be able to know my Grandma so well. Before my grandpa died, I had a conversation with him where I promised to take care of my grandma and I feel peaceful that I am fulfilling that promise to him. I do love her and days like today I am thrilled to be here and do things to make her happy.

Alot of times I get caught up in making others outside my house happy and feel so passionate about alleviating sadness, loneliness, pain and I forget that there is a tiny little lonely granny at home waiting for me to brighten up her day.

right where I'm supposed to be

2008-05-26T00:44:00.003-05:00

Last night I went to the DePaul Gospel Choir spring concert. It was okay...There was a woman that was preaching in the middle of the concert and she said something that was cool: She said that God puts you where He wants you and then she went on to give a ton of examples. One of the ones she said was, "You are on that bus for a reason. God put you there for a reason." I didnt really feel moved especially by anything she said at the time, but today I was pleased to find her words ring true.

I was taking the bus home from the train station this afternoon. (I am not loving the patience that public transportation takes but it is slowing me down and creating space for thinking and reflecting) As I waited for the bus, a lady asked me what time the bus comes and after I told her she didnt stop talking until after we boarded the bus, took our seats and then arrived at my stop and I departed. She just began spilling her life out to me, I mean she wove this sordid tale of an abusive husband and 2 children who are grown and do not talk to her and she cant find them and she just moved to Niles from Lincoln Square neighborhood and is amazed how downhill her old neighborhood has gone. She had just come from there and saw a fight between a homeless man and a gangbanger with a baby in tow over turf. She went on and on and did stop once and ask about my work situation. I did not have time to ask her many questions, she jsut seemed to want to pour out her situation. The bus was loud and she spoke quietly, I kept missing words and phrases but she did not seem to be concerned. At first, I kept thinking why is she telling me this? What does she want me to do to help? I also was a little uncomfortable at first, I mean I am very not into sharing personal details of my life with anyone and here this woman was spilling details of her life into my hands as we waited for the bus on a warm windy Saturday in Chicago. Later, as she continued talking aboard the bus I was thinking how do I tell her Jesus loves her? How do I work that in, because I am sure THAT is what I am supposed to do, That has got to be why God put me here...
Then I realized- Maybe I am just here to listen. Thats it. To listen and smile and tell her to have a good day. ITs weird that just listening and smiling and caring can be enough, life's problems seem so much more serious than that.

But God has me on that bus. He will have me on the bus, and train, and bus again all week long. Its more than money. I need that time to requaint myself with the city and to see the people in a way that I have lost lately. I need that time to learn patience as I wait for the bus. I need to be on that bus to have the chance to make someone's day by smiling, laughing, listening, talking, giving up my seat, helping someone on with packages or strollers, etc. I think I have been shying away from interacting with people for a while and now this is God's way of introducing me back into where he wants me to be.

As I grumble about the many events that have culminated in my decision to divorce my car for a week, God has blessed me with a way to serve. He has put me somewhere that while challenging and different from my normal routine, will give me the motivation in serving and loving and interacting with others. I have been lacking in this area and my spiritual life and relationship with God has visibly suffered.

I am Boycotting my car

2008-05-23T09:38:00.004-05:00

Gas prices in the nation are high, but nowhere are they higher than in Chicago. We have the nations highest average price of gas. By my campus, at the intersection of Fullerton and Ashland is THE most expensive gas in the nation at the BP Amoco station. It was all over the news, news crews were there and so were newspaper journalists. People are still going there, I am like WHY? Why are you doing that?

I got 5 tickets. 5. Over the course of last week and this week I received 5 parking tickets. So I drive to school because I can be there is about 15 minutes but taking the train or bus(es) takes me an hour at least. There is meters to park at and the first 2 years, I barely even fed them ever and never with more than a quarter. It didnt matter, I never saw the Dept. of Revenue and never got tickets. This year the Dept of Revenue is stalking me with a vengenance! DePaul is like a gold mine for them; as i walk down Fullerton most of the cars are decorated with a bright orange parking ticket and now everyday every day i see the Dept of Revenue people on all the streets surrounding campus. Well I have a four hour class on Thursday and you can only feed the meter for 2 hours at at time so I am screwed. So 2 thursdays in a row I got an expired meter ticket and on both of those days I was also blessed with an expired plates ticket. SO thats 4. Then I got one for parking on Armitage during rush hour. Thats 5. Thats lots of money. I do not make lots of money. So I am grounding myself from my car.

I hate people when I drive. No one in the entire city of Chicago is nice apparently. Its like as soon as people get into traffic, all ettiquette or friendliness is sucked from their very souls and a hardened, mean, bitter carcass of spite and malice is left to navigate their vehicle. Some man threw a slurpee at another man's car on the Kennedy this week. This morning as I drove through Winnetka on my way to work at 7 am, a limo driver got out of his car and pounded on the hood of the car behind him because that car was apparently not understanding that the limo wanted to back into the driveway it was blocking. The woman in front of me in the Burger King drive through flicked me off for encouraging her to pull up with a short and friendly beep. SHe wasnt sure I saw it the first two times apparently, so she honked and when i looked up she waved it around again. When I was stuck in traffic on the way to the symphony, I saw 2 motorcycles speeding past using the shoulder and again I yelled about if they want to be treated like cars then they should act like cars.

I want to be "green." I think that if I cut down my driving and expulsion of car fumes, I will be a part of the solution towards reducing carbon dioxide. Also, reducing my dependency on oil and petroleum products is a good thing and something I may have to do in the future without a choice anyway.

All next week I will attempt to not drive my vehicle. The exception will be on the weekend when I work. I cannot take the train or bus to nanny jobs because many times I have to pick up the kids and take them places but that should only be 3 times next week. OTherwise, its public transportation for me. I will post my exciting adventures with Chicago's sorry excuse for a public transportation system here all next week. Join me, won't you?

and then there was one

2008-05-22T17:10:00.002-05:00

This week there has been so many things I have done or seen that have made me think it was perfect blog fodder. That happens alot; I will have an overwhelming desire to speak and process via blog like 92 million things in a short time but feel conflicted about which to choose and I end up picking none.

One of the highlights this week was a protest at DePaul. When I say protest, I dont mean the usual 4 or 5 liberal kids that stand outside the students center with signs about "Drive out the Bush regime, the world can't wait" and hand out bright orange bandanas, or do I mean the usual liberal contingency getting flustered that we serve Coca Cola on campus because they discourage unions. I mean a full out protest. I was thrilled, I love this stuff even if I could care less what they are protesting! I love the excitement and the organizing and doing something. I poke at both liberals and conservatives quite a bit on here, and after I add up all the things I feel liberally about and then subtract all the things I feel conservatively about multiplied by my Christian faith and divided by the fact that I am super emotional and reactionary I find myself hanging out in the middle of the political spectrum. Its interesting and I am ok with not labeling myself because thats too stifling. Enough small talk.

So DePaul is like me: contradicting and fine with it. It is supposedly a Catholic Vincentian school (all about service) but we have a huge room for Muslim worship and the jewish population far surpass the Catholic one, I think. We are also a super super wowie liberal college and the most diverse student body in the nation for the last 5 years. But there is a conservative student alliance (i bet there is not more than 20 members)and the guys wear ties alot and print a cute little ranty paper hating DePaul because of its liberal bias and confuse me when I read it for fun because why would they pick to go here if they know most everything here has a liberal stance. The head of the Conservative Alliance and I got into a heated (screaming) match once upon a time when I was a freshman at a forum on Abu Gahrib prison. Little did we know the heights we would soar: He became head of the Conservative Alliance and would be on the news all week long leading up to Tuesday and I would write a blog about it. :)

So on Tuesday the Cons. Stud. Alliance (henceforth CSA) planned a presentation with the leader of the minutemen, Chris Simcox. The minutemen are a group of self armed citizens that patrol the border we share with Mexico with firearms looking/hunting for people that are crossing illegally. That much is fact. They do that, with weapons. The rest is all sketchy, but among these sketchy allegations I have heard in classes, in the quad, at the protest, on their website, on the internet, etc are as follows:
1. it's renegade justice
2. they set food/water traps in the desert that the starving-thirsty immigrants stop at and then are captured by the minutemen who deliver them unto the immigration department
3. they are protecting out country from intruders
4. they are named the minutemen because they can kill an immigrant in under a minute
5. they are named the minutemen after the farmers who armed themselves and assisted in driving out the British and called themselves that in Shay's Rebellion during the Revolutionary War
6. they arent against all immigration, just illegal immigration
7. they are racist.
And on and on. All conflicting. And all I dont care.
WHAT? Sarah how can you not care? Exactly. Just keep your pants on.

So I had class and it got out at 830 and my boyfriend came to meet me on his way home. I was super excited to go see the protest because it was supposed to be big and some immigrant groups from South side of Chicago had WALKED all night (why?) and camped out all day at DePaul and there was going to be churches, immigrants rights groups, Depaul students, news crews, lots of police, and all around just plain fun times and revelry.

We walked to the Athletic Center and you could hear them chanting stuff from a block away and see the lights of the news crew vans (all of them 2, 5, 7, 9, 32 and Spanish stations were there and set up and interviewing people). I often tell my boyfriend he is the only Black conservative Republican in Chicago (I joke) and keeping with his nature he was not excited about the punk rock LBGTQ (thats DePaul's handy dandy term for lesbian-bisexual-gay-transexual or transgender-queer students) students just generally making no sense and running amuck with black flags (?) screaming "no borders" and other indecipherable stuff. I did see a couple small groups of people from indigenous and Latino heritage playing small drums and holding signs in spanish but mostly it was the aforementioned hyper white kids with punk rock anarchist intentions that I feel TOTALLY comfortable laughing at. (baaaaddddd Christian! I know I know)
First of all they were dancing badly to the tribal beat of the drums. Second they werent really organized and yelled different things. Third, they were not yelling grammatically correct spanish when they tried. They were yelling "Simcox (the speakers last name) Eschuchamos! DePaul Eschuchamos!" That means Simcox, we are listening. DePaul we are listening. What they wanted to say was Simcox Listen to us, DepAul listen to us = because they followed it up with "we dont want hate." I was amused.

Also, the funniest thing was this old guy with an orange flag on a long super high pole that said Drive out the Bush regime the world cant wait. Now yes, lets run Bush out and far away but how is that relevant to this protest? I love it, anywhere in Chicago there is anything protesty, like foie gras for example, the "Drive out the Bush regime" people show up and jump on their bandwagon. I am like "No". Get your own wagon. Well, this man was way older than everyone there and had on like ALL orange and was waving this big pole which he held in a weird, um, slightly inappropriate way with this little orange flag on top.

So Marquis and I walked around and were entertained for a while and as we crossed Sheffield in a meandering way to go back to my car and go home we saw one girl. One girl. By herself. With her sign. It said "Preventing illegal things is not illegal."
She looked Mexican. Marquis was like "EXACTLY." We stopped and talked to her as 2 obnoxious protesters crossed the street and told her to go home and the guy kind of reached for her sign which was taped to the front of her. They told her to go home and what if she was illegal and she should come back from the country she came from and seriously was not making any good sense. She was the lone dissenter. 1. I was like hey buddy where are your friends? She said they were across the street on the other side of the protest. I was so amazed that she came out, by herself, not to support Simcox because she said he was a scumbag bastard and not to decry immigrant or immigration because her family emigrated here legally from the Middle East but to point out that Simcox in all his bastardness was not doing anything illegal by preventing illegal immigration. She felt illegal immigration was wrong. People kept coming up to her and saying stupid stuff and spitting on her. I was confused, they were out there protesting "hate against minorities" and here were some cocky white kids yelling at her to shut up and go home.

Ok lets break this one down: they are protesting so wanting their voices to be heard for what they think is right but wanted her to shut up and go home? As two rowdy people came up on her, Marquis and I divided them up as to which ones to take if they touched her. She was cool, one of the coolest people I have met at DePaul. WHo has the strength to be the only one in a group of a couple hundred to say that they disagree? Publicly. The news channels missed the real story here. And all those protesters need to take a class on free speech and ettiquette of dissenting. C

This is long, so more tomorrow on my views of immigration and how that is exciting.

why I am not sleeping at 3:20 in the morning

2008-05-18T02:43:00.003-05:00

because I am contemplating my safety and reliance on the police to serve me in my time of need. I got off work around ten tonight. I was working in my boyfriend's neighborhood and we had not hung out in a while so I stopped over to chat and get a hug after a long day. We ended up talking and playing on the internet until about 1am and then I headed home. This is later than I usually am out, but not by that much.

I exited the expressway at Bryn Mawr and headed down my usual route down Avondale past the Norwood Park District. Its a semi busy side street running alongside a railroad track. I grew up in this neighborhood with my grandparents. The car in back of me was acting weird. All of sudden it sped up real fast and then turned and swerved into the other lane (would have been oncoming traffic, but there was not traffic) and up into the park field and smack into a light pole. I pulled over and jumped out and was like Oh my goodness are you ok? The guy creeped out his smashed door and was like, " arrumllrkjgnjfg." Then, "he cut me off!" "Who?" I asked. I was the car in front of him and as I stood before him I hoped I was clearly a female.

His car was smashed onto the pole, his tire was decimated and was sunken deep into the muddy field which was still wet from the rain. I was like "Are you ok?" He reeked of liquor. Having worked in a bar for about 6 years, I can tell you this fine fellow was partaking in the whiskey this evening. He was younger than me, probaly around 23 or so I guess. At first, i didnt know what to do, I was in helper mode - like how can I help him? He was trying to push his car out (it was in park) and I offered up the idea of putting it in neutral. He had to climb in from the passenger side. Then he called his friends and slurred to them that they had to come get him and someone cut him off and blah blah blah. I was so confused. It was a straight street, one lane in each way no turn off... Who cut him off and how? I told him he should probaly call a tow truck and he told me I could leave. So I did, but not before I got a super special glimpse of him pissing almost on the side of his car.

Seriously, what the frosted cheerios was he thinking?

As I drove away, I started to get mad. This wanker could have hit me! This wanker could have hit someone else, and killed them. I was mad, infuriated, scared. As I hit the next stop light and I looked in my rearview mirror I saw an undercover cop behind me (M in the license plate) and got out of my car and went up to his. "Are you a cop?" I asked. "Maybe" he said. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
"Oh, ok. Well, funtimes." I said. Then I told him of the situation about two blocks back. He did not seem to give a rats behind. He seriously had NO reaction. "Ok, thanks. The light is green," was basically all I got there. As we drove on, he pulled into a 24 hour food place to my complete horror. So I did what any rational, calm civic minded person would do. I called 911 and drove back to the guy but parked across the field. I wanted to see the cops come for some reason. I thought it would make me feel better or something. I anticipated waiting like 5 minutes. I live in a low crime area, I still have faith in the police, I though a drunk guy hitting a pole would be a high priority, etc. So twenty minutes pass. Seriously yes I sat across the park from this guy for twenty minutes at now almost 2 in the morning after working ten hours. In this twenty minutes, my friend peed again on the grass and his friends came. As they arrived fresh from the club, a girl spilled out of the car and pulled her pants down and peed right there on the grass as other cars drove by and her male friends stood surveying the situation. They tried to push the car out for like ten comical minutes. I got angrier and angrier as the minutes ticked by with no police. At the twenty minute mark, I called 911 back. Seriously, I did. I was like HI I called about a drunken man beaching his car in the park after smashing into a pole like 20 minutes ago and no one has responded. The man assured me they were sending an officer. I was mad, this guy is drunk and driving and way to close to my home, my car, my life. 25,26,27,28,28 minutes no cops. 29 through 39 minutes no cop either. Finally, 41 minutes later a cop arrives. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I left as soon as he pulled up as if I was reassured justice would be served. This is perverse. This accident was about half a block from the fire station and no more than a mile from the police station.

Things I could have done in 41 minutes:

been at home sleeping
physically digested and passed 1 or 1.5 drinks depending on my body weight
(thats from my ServeSafe class)
changed this dope's tire for him
walked to the police station and back
hopped on one foot to the fire station three times

I wonder what the cops were doing for that 41 minutes?

They are speaking, will you listen?

2008-05-16T17:47:00.007-05:00

Last night I went to see a presentation at my school entitled Voices from Darfur. It's a national speaking tour with survivors from the genocide in Darfur who have come to America as refugees. It was not well put together, and the announcer guy from the Muslim student group that put it on was not prepared or professional in being the announcer-emcee person. He kept saying "the refugees are late" and "if you have questions for the refugees, then raise your hand" or "here are the refugees." It just sounded weird and offensive, in a way. Maybe the fact that I had a fever and a touch of the stomach flu made it seem worse than it was. I left halfway through the two and half hour presentation because I was so sick, but we had already watched a DVD and heard both speakers talk, so I got a good feel for the situation. I have been keeping aprised of the genocide in Darfur since 2006 and sent out emails with information alot and even tried (unsuccessfully :( ) to start a Darfur students group. I am happy I went but I was so surprised at the small turnout.

The first man was from Darfur, but came here before the genocide began. He runs a native Darfuri organization in Chicago. He gave us a long history of the region and how this genocide has roots back in the 60's and it's a continuing struggle for power that has always been violent. He had a very thick accent and I missed alot of what he said. But he said that the genocide is still going on today, as we speak, as you read this... People are dying. The Sudanese government is killing its people.

The second man was from Darfur also. He came here a few years ago. He spoke of the villages of Darfur and how each village is an entire family, 75-100 people: all related. He is one of 16 children, many of his siblings are married and then have their own children (so you have an idea how it got so big). He left Darfur to go to Khartoum city to go to university, like he said many young men do. In America, we tend to think they are not as formally educated but he said they attend school like grammar and high school. While he was away at college the Sudanese government was responding to the uprising of the agrarian workers (a result of a lack of resources and that they were being inequitably distributed). The government began recruiting the male students to serve in the Janjaweed (army serving the government) and attack the native farming communities. The man who was speaking says he refused since that would mean attacking villagers like his family, and perhaps one day, his family. It was no longer safe for him to stay in the city and he could not travel back to the country to be with his family so he escaped to America. His family's village was attacked and many were killed. He spoke of that last week finally talking to his mom on a cellphone that he sent to her. There are now 50 members of his family living in a single family house in a city in Sudan. He spoke of the Janjaweed shooting his grandma in the face and beating her. He spoke of the fear he has for his family. He spoke of the choices they had to make in a split second- like what child to grab as they run because you cant carry them all. He spoke of his grandma's inability to walk for the days on end and his mother got a donkey but then that made them a huge target because a donkey is hard to hide and loud. (When people hear a donkey coming they just shoot without looking) The rest of the family and neighbors wouldnt walk or sleep by them as they traveled to safety because of this hightened risk of violence, so the mom and grandma were alone with a few other very elderly and slow traveling women in the family. He spoke of his very young nieces and nephews, 4 and 5, having to walk for 7 hours a day because the mom was carrying the younger children. He spoke of his decision to stay in America because over everything they are in need of, they need money the most and he can work for more money here in America. I could see how heart wrenching it was to make that choice for him. He says he works very hard and sends his money back home. He speaks out all the time about Darfur because he says if people know then they would surely act. He writes letters to the government all the time asking the American government to make them stop the genocide. He had a very positive view of Bush and the government here. He says that if the American government took a stronger stand then the Sudanese government would take notice and stop. I felt bad that he seemed to think that somehow the inaction on the governments part here is ignorance, like they arent sure exactly what is going on or something. It really made me sad.

He showed pictures of the aircraft flying over the Darfuri villages and bombing and said they are Russian aircraft. He said the guns and ammunition is supplied by the Chinese. He said the Sudanese government is very close with the CHinese government because Sudan supplies China with oil. I bet if America got its oil from there we would care a hell of alot more.

Both of the speakers spoke very highly of the US government and Bush. I was like WHAT? but then they explained that Bush is the first government to acknowledge and declare the situation a genocide and they are grateful. They said the US sends lots of aid. A girl in the audience said that we should send more, that we send 2/3 of all the aid we give out to Israel. The speakers were quick to defend American government and said they are so appreciative of what Bush has done. I felt they didnt have the whole picture. But maybe they were just so thankful for any show of support. I think we can do alot more. The billion dollars a week spent in that stupid freaking war can go to save innocent people's lives in Darfur. I mean this is another complete Holocaust going on right now! Right now, as you read this more people are being killed by the Sudanese government. And raped. and poisoned. and beaten. WHY? for money. for power. for silence against the atrocities having been committed for years. because of hate and racism. because of classism.

Dare to care. Its hard and people just shut off and turn away. Dont be that person.

Go to savedarfur.org and see how you can help. Send emails to people about the situation. Email me and we can talk about it too.
And Pray. alot.

Yeeee--haaaa (or Git Along little Doggies --you pick)

2008-05-10T14:17:00.003-05:00

(My posts have not been if the usual stuff lately. Not much Jesus, or racial and social bridge building. I am having a bit of a struggle through life lately, I am really fumbling alot and not sure how to make sense of anything. So enjoy these random light nonsensical posts for awhile.)

OK so on my absolute favorite site (www.stuffchristianslike.com) there was a post on christian dating sites or something and it was funny as usual. Light poking fun and lots of sarcasm about them. But in the greatest post was in the comment section where someone posted a link to farmersonly.com!!! It is a dating site to meet farmers! This is what the guy who started the site had to say:

"I'm Jerry Miller, founder of FarmersOnly.com. There are basically two groups in America. Group one: their lives revolve around four dollar cups of coffee, taxi cabs, blue suits, high heels, conference rooms and getting ahead at all costs in the corporate world. If you fall into this group you're probably on the wrong online dating site. Group two: they enjoy blue skies, wide open spaces, raising animals, appreciating nature and truly understand the meaning of Southern hospitality, even if they don't live in the South."

I am sad I dont fit into either one of these groups. :)

"City folks just don't get it!" haha

"I decided to create an online dating service that's 100% for farmers, ranchers, and those who can relate to the rural and country lifestyle.

Instead of asking what your astrological sign is, at FarmersOnly.com I ask if you raise or breed alpacas, horses, cattle, chickens, dogs, goats, rabbits, sheep, grow crops, or if you're an organic farmer, student farmer, cowboy, cowgirl, or just a farmer wanna be! How many singles sites do that?"

I am definitely loving this. A farmer wannabe? Amazing. I am smiling today because of this site! I was looking at the pictures that the people post on their profile and alot of them incorporate farm animals into their profile picture. Some are posing on a tractor.

I was laughing so hard, I had tears streaming down my face. I only wish my sister was here to look at it with me.

Good stuff to make me happy on a BAD day

2008-05-08T00:21:00.003-05:00

Ok today was a personal bad day. But also a bad day for race relations in America, a bad day to be a police officer, a bad day to be a black man, a bad day to be in Philly. I am referring to the ridiculous video of the police beating in Philadelphia. Hi Rodney King times 3 in 2008. WOW. But this is not my post, thats for tomorrow. Today is random funny things to cheer me and hopefully you.

Ok so seriously? Those fold in side view mirrors? I am seeing them everywhere! A guy jauntily hops out of his SUV on a busy street and beeps his car alarm and then folds in his side mirror before skipping into the eating establishment of his choice. I saw it 2 times yesterday. I also saw a man exit his vehicle and fold in the mirror to walk 10 feet to mail a letter. WOW. As I drive down the busy streets of the Chi, I stalk the parked cars for these collapsable mirrors and laugh and say WHY? Seriously, find the cure for cancer, find an alternative fuel, Make tires that last forever? NO, thats insanity. Lets make side folding mirrors for the drivers side door of large SUV's. Thats the real problem plaguing America and oversized gas guzzling vehicles, the Enormity and street obstruction caused by these pesky side mirrors. I mean, I understand they hang SOOOOO far out in to the street that it is dangerous. I have become so obcessed with this that i measuring my own mirror and how far it hangs out = 7.9 inches. Now here is the real life dilema and resulting pointlessness of the mirror that folds in:

If a car is 7.9 inches from my car which is exactly enough space to hit the mirror, then their side mirror has smashed through my window and caused enough damage that I am not merely missing a handy side mirror anymore. And no two cars line up perfectly that the side mirrors hit each other to rip them off with any frequency. When the mirrors fold in they are still jutting out a bit, lets say 2 to 4 inches which in reality is saving 3-5 inches of space all of which is less than peanuts to the enormous gas loving beasts of SUV's which I have found this mirror phenomenon on.

Ok, Bike riders. Y'all are killing me. I yell at you alot. But if you want to be treated like a car, then act like one. Follow the freaking rules of the road. This does not include weaving through the stopped actual cars during rush hour and running the red light because no cars were coming. This does not include riding onto the sidewalk to avoid traffic back ups. This does not include wearing your IPOD while riding because then you cant hear horns and other people trying to get your attention. This does not include swerving in front of my car from your happy white lined bike lane because there is a pot hole or stick in the road. And wear a helmet. And be careful. Why arent you terrified? Have you seen the maniacs that drive in Chicago? I am scared and I drive a real car. I want to wear a helmet in rush hour traffic on the streets even though I am encased in a pod of steel equipped with seat belts and an air bag. You have zero protection. Pot holes and construction will eat you and your bike. Take the bus.

And people, yes it is spring- soon to be summer in Chicago. Yes, open your windows and let in that fresh air. But remember, our houses are VERY close together in this happy city of 3 million. I can hear you as you yell at your small children all the time and swear at them. I can hear you fight with your husband/wife. I can hear you doing night time things (ew). All of this makes me uncomfortable and now I dont want to say hi to you in the street anymore when we get into our cars.

And finally, the funniest thing today for me was this post on http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com. It's my new favorite site. Its an admitted rip off of the stuff white people like site. I cannot relate to all the things this guy talks about because I have not been a Christian all my life and experienced most of these things (orange drink, retreats, etc) but he is so funny and sarcastic and works in some bible verses I just love it. Read it. He posts about 2 a day and they never disappoint in making me laugh. Today was #207 Kicking old ladies in the face for God. Apparently there is a "rad" pastor down in Florida named Todd Bentley and he is a faith healer. God tells him to do things and one of them is kicking old ladies in the face. And leg sweeping rival pastors. Here is actual quotes from Todd Bentley himself:
" I’ve been led to do some crazy looking things in the gift of faith that took real boldness. One time I was in a meeting that was just dead. So I asked God how He wanted to bring a breakthrough. He showed me an older lady right in front of the platform worshipping Jesus and the Lord said to kick her in the face! Unconvinced, I felt to tell the Lord what He already knew: “I have these big biker boots on. You want me to kick this woman in the face?” Clearly I heard God say, “Yes.” So, with no one knowing what was about to happen, I went up to the edge of the platform and BAM my boot went right out at the exact moment that she fell under the power of God. In fact the power of God caused everyone on the platform to get knocked down. There were miracles that followed.

So I asked God, “What was that all about?” The answer was: obedience. "

End quote. WOW. How about another? Ok.

"We had a meeting in a word-faith church; not much was happening. Everyone was wearing a suit and the appearance was ‘real proper.’ I looked around thinking: God, you promised me revival. Immediately I heard God say: “‘Leg-drop’ the pastor.” That’s what He said to me! Meanwhile the pastor was lying on the ground. Then the Lord told me to leap off the platform and just jump in the air and leg-drop him. God, you’ve got to be kidding, I thought. He said, “No! Make it real. I want this to be a real leg-drop.” him. God, you’ve got to be kidding, I thought. He said, “No! Make it real. I want this to be a real leg-drop.”

Is it wrong to want to have been there for that? I have wanted to leg drop a few pastors in my day but I just havent gone through with it. And if I had, I would not have had the guts to chalk it up to divine inspiration.

So laugh with me. Its been a bad bad bad day.

dont tread on me

2008-05-06T11:45:00.003-05:00

Last week I was exiting the expressway and waiting at the Fullerton stoplight. There was a car right next to me and both of our windows were down. I heard all this rustling and looked over as this man threw a mcDonalds bag, drink cup and some paper nonchalantly out his window. Its not like we were driving which would not make it ok, but at least you are moving and leaving the evidence in a hurry. His garbage just plopped down right in the middle of the exit ramp. Since our windows were down and we were right next to each other I said "Hey." He looked over and was like "How you doin?" I was like, "Cool. Cool. But hey, um, you dropped something" and then pointed to the mound of garbage. He looked at me like I just slapped his momma. He called me a bitch and flicked me off. I started laughing, really laughing. What a stupid response! Then as we drove away he swerved slightly into my lane and was like I will show her! Seriously, I was amused. (one of my favorite things in a sick sort of way is when people flick other people off while driving. I dont know why but something about flicking off someone you dont know as you speed past them makes me laugh. I mean, are you really that mad? Like f*&^$ me because I didnt see your turn signal and let you in? Or you are enraged because I am going too slow? I drive a Toyota Camry!! Cut me some slack! I definitely have done this a sparse few times and as SOON as I have done that, I laugh hysterically. Chicago driving. It gets the best of us)

So yesterday I was walking to class at like 515 pm. It was kind of windy and there was a guy in front of me walking and cleaning out his wallet. He was flicking all the cards and papers he didnt need behind him as he walked. THey were hitting me in the legs as I walked. So I collected the old CTA passes and receipts and paper cards he littered and when he was done I tapped him on the shoulder and handed them all back to him. He was confused at first, he said no, thank you but I meant to throw those down. He thought that I thought he accidentally dropped them. I was smiling super big and then he realized and started laughing and was like alright, you got me. I said I can throw those away for you if you like? Then I pointed to the 90 million garbage cans on the posts all around us on campus. We both laughed pretty hard and then I walked away to class. Before I entered the building I turned around to see him throwing it all away in the garbage. I make myself laugh sometimes, and today I made someone else laugh too. And I saved the earth. Very productive day.

NO title here

2008-05-02T16:53:00.003-05:00

i have no title. I dont really have much of a post either. I am not sure what to say about the whole Obama Wright thing except thats sad. How much would that hurt more to have to break with a friend in the public arena? TO lose a friend hurts very much, to lose a pastor you have had for half a lifetime must be excruciating. I think the best course of action for us all to take is none. To leave these men to the difficult task of dealing with their hurt. I am sad that Obama is "losing momentum" in his campaign and I will pray for him. It must be tiresome to have to fight so much and debate so much and be critiqued so much. I think he is a decent man who wants good things for all people in this country. Its sad that fact alone makes people skeptical. Its sad that race factors so much into this campaign and everything else in America and elsewhere, it factors in so much more than we will ever know and in ways we cannot identify. I am tired of identifying it, honestly. Fortunately, being white I do have the choice to retreat to my "white" world and ignore these racial problems. But I wont. I never do. But having that choice and not making that choice makes all the difference in the world and keeps me fighting for love and rightousness.

MICHELE OBAMA'S MILITANT RACISM REVEALED

2008-04-04T16:05:00.002-05:00

And that was the title of the article that was emailed to me.

Yes, apparently she was not just racist, she was militantly racist just to put a little more flavor on it and to incite a little bit more panic and more reaction.
That thought rendering title was directly preceded by this personal add on
"DO NOT BE NAIVE TO THE FORCES AT WORK HERE........................

I'll stick with McCain. Do you realize that if Obama is elected our next
President she would be our new fist lady?"

Also special wording and not over-dramatic to drum up fear and panic! So I read what followed with open eyes and a bit of humor. That humor quickly turned to disgust and anger. That anger was not blind, because it's obvious what is going on here. Can't bring Barack down, let's go in the back way and tumble his wife. Next the kids are going to be on the chopping block for their refusal to buy and play with white barbies!!!! Their militant racism REVEALED for the public to see!!

(If my sarcasm confuses you then refer to the link to Aaron Roy's blog @ http://markaaronroy.blogspot.com and refer to the Racially Exhausted blog for more insight into my current feelings. His sentiments mirror my own.)

Here is the first two paragraphs of the article:

In her senior thesis at Princeton, Michele Obama, the wife of Barack Obama stated that America was a nation founded on "crime and hatred". Moreover, she stated that whites in America were "ineradicably racist". The 1985 thesis, titled
"Princeton-Educated Blacks and the Black Community" was written under her maiden
name, Michelle LaVaughn Robinson.

Michelle Obama stated in her thesis that to "Whites at Princeton , it often seems as
if, to them, she will always be Black first..." However, it was reported by a fellow
black classmate, "If those "Whites at Princeton " really saw Michelle as one who
always would "be Black first," it seems that she gave them that impression".

So? IS she wrong in any fashion here? How was America founded? I thought it was obvious now that we stole this land from the current inhabitants and then proceeded to kill them off once we realized they were not suitable for enslavement (they kept running away because they knew the land and where to go, they were too susceptible to our European diseases). Yes, murder and stealing are crimes. We also sure seemed to hate the Native Americans or why would we want to kill them and steal their stuff once they proved of no good to us?

I also thought that it was common knowledge that once someone is black they cannot reverse that (google: Michael jackson skin whitening attempts). So she will always be Black, yes and its ok to be proud of your heritage. I am sometimes known to sport Proud to Irish shirts or pins, usually forced upon me by my grandma on St. Patrick's day (see previous post entitles Sarah Mary Catherine Murphy Celebrates St. Patrick's Day with a Blogpost) and never does someone feel offended or the need to call me racist, excuse me MILITANTLY racist as a result of celebrating my heritage.

Then next few paragraphs continue:

Most alarming is Michele Obama's use of the terms "separationist" and
"integrationist" when describing the views of black people.

Mrs. Obama clearly identifies herself with a "separationist" view of race.
"By actually working with the Black lower class or within their communities as a
result of their ideologies, a separationist may better understand the desperation of
their situation and feel more hopeless about a resolution as opposed to an
integrationist who is ignorant to their plight." Obama writes that the path she chose by attending Princeton would likely lead to her "further integration and/or assimilation into a white cultural and social structure that will only allow me to remain on the periphery of society; never becoming a full participant."

Ok so some not so obvious information- Here Michelle seems to be referring to past Black historical figures and their timeless debate of how the Black community might best succeed and rise to equality. These figures are Booker T. Washington (segregationist) and W.E.B. DuBois (integrationist). These two men surfaced publicly after the end of slavery around the latter Reconstruction years and addressed the question of what Blacks are supposed to do now that are they are "free." Should they establish a society alongside that of the white but separate (separationist mentality) so they could run it and not have a constant lower class presence? While being separate they could run their own institutions and banks and seemingly own their destiny? Or should they integrate (integrationist) with in the white community, hoping that the new laws would all of a sudden change the white mentality and they as blacks would be seen as truly equal and allowed to fully particpate in society? This is just a simple taste of those points of view, as many issues arise with both points of views. But clearly, Michelle Obama is continuing this discussion that began in a relevant part of our history. ao why was this person alarmed then at her use of obvious historically relevant linguistics; separationist and integrationist? I can def. provide a biting commentary into the reasons (serious ignorance) and personal characteristics (white) of the supposed author of the piece, (not the people who emailed it on) but that will not further knowledge or love to attack others.

Also, I thought it was pretty obvious that people still enjoy being around others like them. They stick to their groups, you like hunting I like hunting lets hang out and shoot stuff. You like Jesus, I like Jesus lets hang out and pray and read the bible. This extends to ethnic groups. In Chicago, this is super obvious as the neighborhoods used to be drawn around ethnicities like Greektown, Ukranian Village, Chinatown, Pilsen (hispanic). IN some neighborhoods, this is still obvious like Humboldt park, but in others people ended up there as a result of redlining districts. Blacks were not allowed to move wherever they wanted. They were contained first on the South sides and secondly on the West side (garfield park/austin area)as they migrated to Chicago during the first half of the 1900's. Still large populations exist in those areas and Blacks can align together as all other ethnic groups do frequently. There are Irish supper clubs and Chinese restaurants that publicize a favor for hiring Chinese workers and Jewish social clubs to further Jewish children and families and none of this is seen as a problem. What if I was super Irish and I said I am white and a woman and a college student but always because of how my ancestor's struggled to leave a turbulent, violent and destitute country, always I am Irish first. People would not care. Really. But when Blacks band together they are feared and hated. The Jewish community is infamous for their interests in helping further their own community. No one has a problem with that publicly. But here, Michelle Obama is commenting on her Blackness and the fact that she identifies with it and this is seen as a detriment? A racist sentiment?

then,

Michele Obama clearly has a chip on her shoulder.

Not only does she see separate black and white societies in America , but she
elevates black over white in her world

or maybe she sees what is going on here in America. For the most part, white and blacks have a little bit o' trouble getting together. Elevates black over whites? I did not see this, but even if she did personally feel that she liked blacks more because she is proud of who she is and wants to help others like her, WHITES HAVE BEEN DOING THAT FOREVER. They concentrate their wealth with other whites and build up and do not seek, sometimes, to go outside their community to bring in others in large numbers. It is just a fact. Seriously. Take a gander around America!

The following passage appears to be a call to arms for affirmative action policies
that could be the hallmark of an Obama administration.
"Predominately white universities like Princeton are socially and academically
designed to cater to the needs of the white students comprising the bulk of their
enrollments."

No! No way! Higher instutions in America actually CATER to whites? Shut the front door!
wow. i think they were serious.
I am sure Michelle Obama is smart, but it does not take a Princeton graduate or a liberal to figure that out. Look at the government and its racial make up. Or even better, look up the (racial) quotas instituted by Princeton and Harvard in the early 1900's. They blatantly publicize that far more minorities (at this time, Jewish) are accessing the college than they had planned. The lilly white makeup was being tainted with a little color. So they instituted quotas. (later repealed in the 60's, I believe)

Are you still reading this?
Here's the ending:

Michelle Obama's poll of black alumni concludes that other black students at Princeton do not share her obsession with blackness. But rather than celebrate, she is horrified that black alumni identify with our common American culture more than they value the color of their skin. "I hoped that these findings would help me conclude that despite the high degree of identification with whites as a result ofthe educational and occupational path that black Princeton alumni follow, the alumni would still maintain a certain level of identification with the black community.However, these findings do not support this possibility."

Is it no wonder that most black alumni ignored her racist questionnaire? Only 89
students responded out of 400 who were asked for input.

Michelle Obama does not look into a crowd of Obama supporters and see Americans. She
sees black people and white people eternally conflicted with one another.

The thesis provides a trove of Mrs. Obama's thoughts and world view seen through a
race-based prism.
This is a very divisive view for a potential first lady that would do untold damage
to race relations in this country in a Barack Obama administration.

her obcession with blackness. Obcession. Her desiring to help the black community is an obcession? I apparently have an obcession with helping the poor. An obcession. I want to say like five more times, obcession obcession obcession my mom wears obcession perfume. But c'mon, seriously? Her obcession with the black community. How do you obcess about a community? panic fear obcession panic fear. (I am laughing out loud at myself now.)

Michelle Obama's conclusive findings in her school paper say that she discovered at this upper echelon school that blacks do not identify with the larger black community. Well, butter my nose and call me sally REALLY? that is the summation point we are focusing on? White people that go to Princeton do not identify with the average white community either. No one identifies with Princeton, they are geniuses!! :) kidding. But an honest problem in black communities is that absence of the "talented tenth" leaving (W.E.B. DuBois reference). Once out in the world and succeeding they do not always return home and work to alleviate some of the social problems in their neighborhoods or communities. Well, Blacks are not the only people that are guilty of that. Who wants to go back home after you been out in the world? See ya mom, i am out. You know?

so the author sums up this neat literary work with this assertion, Michelle Obama would do tons of harm to race relations in America. BAsically, because she identifies with her blackness. But how do we know that? Because she wrote a paper on it in school?

Ok I try to get good grades, I do but I am not excellent at focusing and the world gets in the way alot. A time or two I have written a bunch of rambling garbage to fill up one or two of the ten page paper that is due tomorrow when its like 2 am the night before. How awesome would that be if like ten years later, when I am married and with children and completely oblivious to what a scribbled down, someone find my paper and then puts it out on the internet?

awesome.
Draw your own conclusions.

*****I got this from two different people and then heard people at school talking about this and realized people are receiving this email and reading it and then talking about it.*****

Rev. Wright or Wrong?

2008-04-03T22:08:00.002-05:00

I think I am clever with that title, I really do.

I cannot seem to not care about this, or not respond to the recent Obamarific happenings as much as I want to. On the airplane both ways, politics and Jesus came up leading us straight to Obama. AND it wasn't that they saw the back of my sweatshirt (Barack My World) which led to conversation, it just was random talk. Family members and friends emailed and called inquiring about my response or to be like, "SEE? I am staying with good ol' McCain."

SO after much thought and not really a strong desire but a felt need to speak out I say the following.

I do not actually think Rev. Wright has much to be sorry for. I did not hear that whole sermon, as did any of us not present that day but the excerpt I heard that seems to be the most inflammatory, the one phrase that everyone is so freaking pissy about is "God Damn America. God Damn America for it's past treatment of minorities."
And I say yes, Rev. Wright, GOd Damn America and I think HE will. I see America as the most sinful, corrupted, materialistic nation going. But my views are not important here, the simple fact is that God will damn America unless they repent for their sins. The sins of blatantly denying the poor and the least, for obcessive materialistic views that are signifying idolatry and placing other things before the Lord. We are the richest nation (debatable lately with the crashing of the market)in the world, as we have been referred to for years. The Lord clearly says in the book of Matthew:
23Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

later in that same chapter he confirms:30But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

Based on this and many, countless other passages about loving and caring for the poor and the least and welcoming the stranger, I feel America has the blood of the poor and the least all over her hands. Slavery, our treatment of immigrants, our denial and rejection of the poor in all arenas of life, our capitalistic striving to make more money and covet more things and our collaborative denial of Christ as our only savior from this life leads me to see God seriously damning America. SO go on ahead, Rev. Wright because I ain't mad at you.

Obama. He apparently ain't mad at you either! First just hearing Obama's speech and not knowing exactly what Rev. Wright said, I was struck deeply by something in his speech. Not all his elaboration on America's deep need to speak about racial issues, although I agree and felt relief someone with a bigger voice than I put it out there for us all to see. I was joyful at that but something else seemed to far outshine that for me. In his speech, Obama decried Rev. Wright's statements but he stood by the man. He stood by him despite those falling percentage points and loss of the super delegates (quick sidenote- HOW, i repeat with emphasis, HOW exactly do superdelegates fit into out idea of democracy? Do they have super powers that their votes are counted as more important and more super and special that other delegates of even common voters?) Obama did not reject or deny Rev. Wright. He said oh yes he did something wrong, but he is my guy, my pastor, my friend and I will not abandon him for my personal gain. How many of us could be that loyal, that forgiving, and that loving in the face of such adversity? Whether or not what the Rev. says was wrong or right, Obama was like no, no, hold up! Thats my friend and y'all better just back it on up. I respect that. I RESPECT THAT too hard. I was seriously blown away by that ability to stand up for what he believes and who he believes in. Yes, It was a great speech and monumental for many reasons. But this reason made me respect him even more and wear my sweatshirt a little more proudly as on this day Barack did Rock MY World.

Come back tomorrow for some Michelle Obama talk.

Peeking out at the world

2008-03-21T18:22:00.003-05:00

I am in Colorado visiting my sister. As I sat waiting in the doctor's office for her this afternoon, I read a book and people watched. The receptionists were perhaps the friendliest women ever, I think that people here are way nicer than back home in Chicago. I still would never leave there, but people are so happy and friendly here. A family walked in, 2 kids and 2 parents. The wife was wearing a full on burqua. I am not sure how to spell that, but the full covering only eyes showing. I had a sharp reaction to seeing this woman, and was actually surprised at my feelings of anger and confusion. As they walked in the door the husband took the baby and walked to the counter and announced their arrival and signed in as the wife walked to the back corner of the waiting room with the young daughter and sat. THe only thing I could see were her eyes, through slits cut into the black cloth covering her head to toe. I smiled at her and her eyes crinkled in the corners and I believe she smiled back. Have I never seen a woman in complete cover like that before? I guess not. I have seen plenty of women in hijab (just head scarf) and dont look twice or feel pained for them but I was disturbed by this today. I have no right to make assertions that anyone is forcing her to dress in this manner, it could just as well be a personal choice of hers that she enjoyed. But why? Why would a woman need to be covered so completely, no anything showing? I am not an idiot. I have read several books and watched several documentaries on women in middle eastern countries and the issue of covering but never had I seen a woman so near to me so hidden. The husband seemed friendly and smiled at me, I always dress modestly and not excitingly(today jeans, barack my world sweatshirt, gym shoes) but I wondered what they thought of me and my attire. Did they care? We were the only ones in the waiting room at this point and I smiled at their daughter as we both looked at the enormous fish tanks and vibrantly colored fish. I just have to say it, What is the matter with the woman that she needed to be so completely covered up? How is this pleasing to any god or God? I believe in being modest, and not letting it all just hang out but in this situation I just saw fear. Fear of women, fear of losing their attention, fear of ideas of lust? I am still surprised at my reaction, i guess having read so much about this and studied other cultures I didn't realize the weight or how this would be or affect me. I am wondering how this could be a good thing for anyone? This is such a sensitive subject and people say all the time that you should respect other's traditions and cultures but that cultural identifier is not one of Christ or love or peace. I feel bothered, and burdened.

Sarah MaryCatherine Murphy celebrates St. Patrick's Day with a blog.

2008-03-17T15:27:00.003-05:00

Today is St. Patrick's day. Not many people know he was responsible for bringing Catholicism to Ireland. My grandma's family is from Country Cork just west of the St. Patrick's bridge. SO today before I left the house my grandma made me go change because I had no green on.She said, "I thought you were proud to be Irish?" I said "I am but how does wearing green fit into that?" So now I have a green shirt on and a green scarf. I made my friend Mariko and my boyfriend wear a green shamrock sticker. My grandma has a green shirt on, green pins and she bobby pinned green shamrock's into her hair. CUte. I went to pick up my boyfriend from work today which in Wrigleyville. I saw a bunch of white people being idiots and being drunk at 2 pm. I mean people wearing the flag of Ireland, huge guiness hats, shirts that request sexual favors on account of the irishness of the wearer( %^$#!** me I am Irish), and scantily green clad girls running around in the cold weather and lots of other stupid pseudo Irish attire. OK. So I just want to point out that they DO NOT even celebrate St. Patrick's day in Ireland. I am willing to bet ten dollars (enough for 2 or 3 specially prices Guinesses) that St. Patrick is not thrilled with this American legacy of getting so hammered you puke up green stuff all over Chicago. And i saw some people I am pretty sure were not Irish decked out head to toe in green. My boyfriend, who is not Irish, was confused as to why we in America and Chicago especially, freak out so much about St. Patrick's day and everyone gets hammered. I really had no explanation. I mean, i am super Irish and I have Irishy attributes like I have green eyes and right now my hair is redish (thanks Clairol) and I can knock back a few like it is my job (I don't anymore, Jesus asked me to stop). And it's true that Irish women are super duper fiesty, I will concede to that. Most of the times my family parties include alcohol and we fight alot. Lots of the male members of my family were firemen and policemen. My grandma used to dye the mashed potatoes green on St. Patrick's day when we were little. But I mean, that's about it. My gma's house has Irishy things like a blanket with a shamrock and an Irish prayer hanging but we are basically just white.SO was everyone else we say whooping it up downtown on March 17th. The oppression the Irish immigrants felt do not really have any lingering affects today. Check out this link and see today's post. This website makes me laugh out loud everyday. I especially love the angry posts they get calling them racist. Good fun for all.
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

Blasts from the Past

2008-03-16T21:43:00.002-05:00

My mom came over tonight. She helped me finish rearrange my little living space. It is so great, this configuration she came up. I just needed a fresh pair of eyes to scope out the best layout. I needed a change, and I feel refreshed. I created an office of sorts and I think it will help me to have a place to focus on business, the business of school. So she came bearing an enormous box of my stuff. Apparently, it has been cluttering up her house since I moved out 9 years ago! I sat down tonight and looked over everything and threw most of it out. It was correspondence from family and friends when I lived in Florida, multiple journals from my life, and miscellaneous stuff of all sorts. I was sad and disturbed to read over my journals and see the ridiculousness of my life. Depression, anxiety and lots of wasted time pining over relationships gone astray. It pained me to remember those lost times. Several times in my journals I asked God where He was in all this pain and sadness. I struggled with severe depression until about 5 years ago. I am still struck with anxiety but have a much better handle on everything. It's hard to see how I struggled so much to get where I am and my heart feels heavy tonight. Why didn't I understand about God earlier and how might that have changed my life? I was such a mess and maybe that is why at 28 I am years behind other people my age. Do i regret my decisions? I always use to pride myself on living no regrets and being tough as nails but reflecting on my most private, unabashed moments and seeing the deep conflict in my heart I wonder? I did find this cute poem I wrote in 4th grade though:
I am a rainbow.
I can make others happy
Just as a rainbow has many different shades and hues,
I have many different feelings and ideas.
A rainbow reflects goodness and happiness and so can I.
A rainbow is pure and independent.
:).

I said Dude.

2008-03-13T12:02:00.003-05:00

I am currently suffering through finals week of the winter quarter. I had to take this seminar class on multiculturalism in America and it was pretty awful. Not organized, the teacher was a wussy and let these arrogant theatre kids basically run the class. At Depaul, it being a private institution you get alot of suburban rich kids raised by these new age liberal parents who send them to Chicago so they can learn about the real world. It's alot of pretension, sometimes more than I can handle gracefully. On the other hand, it being a private institution I am getting an excellent education with lots of grants and aid for which I am seriously and completely grateful and humbled by. Anyway, my rant here is concerning the last day of this meandering troublesomely disorganized class and the straw that broke my tolerance camel's back. I was late for class. My cousin called from Colorado as I was walking out the door for class and I was super excited to talk to her. SO I was late and the only seat was by the two theatre guys in the class that I usually avoid like they are on fire. The final class we just sat around and talked about misconceptions of everything in the world and on and on. In the class is this conservative minded guy from Russia. He probaly has only been here for a quarter of his life. He somehow made a statement that homosexuals and intravenous drug users are the most likely to get AIDS. That was what he said, basically those two populations are the most likely to contract AIDS. Theatre kid 1 (who is from Portland and his mom is a lesbian and he had 2 mommies, he tells us every chance he gets which was like everyday in class) almost wets his corduroy pants. He screams out in frustration, "My mom did not create AIDS!!!!" I leaned forward ( because he was sitting across from me) and just said "DUDE! seriously?" I recoiled in horror. Not from this ridiculously unnecesary reaction he was having, but because I said the word DUDE. ew. where did that come from? Anyway, theatre kid 1 went on to plague us with his beliefs that gay people are not doing anything wrong and they are not more likey to contract AIDS than anyone else. Theatre kid 2 patted him on the back and was like "it's ok calm down." Theatre kid 1, while raking his super-messy-I-just-got out-of-bed-at-2-pm-right-before-this-class hair in frustration, responds "Dude, no, I mean, Dude, thats my family, dude. For real. Its not like this in Portland. People there know my mom did not create AIDS." I felt the need to point out that Igor, my Russian comrade, did not suggest HIS mother or anyone's mother CREATED AIDS. He merely said that homosexuals are more prone to contracting the virus. Now I dont give a hole in a chocolate covered donut if, in fact, homosexuals are more at risk to contract it or not, Don't have sex and if you do then use protection, but I wanted to throttle theatre kid number 1 for making a huge scene and being what I felt was way to oversensitive for like the 90th time in this quarter. I was actually too tired from staying up all night writing my final 10 page paper on the Ethnic Myth to reach across the table and smack some sense into him so I just stared at him. My friend Loressa, however, was not tired apparently. She turned to him and said, "He (meaning IGor) was not making it personal, calm down, he just doesn't know." Theatre kid 1 turned to Loressa, who is Black, and said 'What if I said all Blacks are bad? Or all Blacks should be oppressed?" Wow. Whiggity what? Now I leaned forward and said, "Shut the front door, no you did not just say that to her." She said "Why you gotta go there?" and then she turned away. I was speechless.

Theatre kid 1 and I have a bit of a history in that class. One day he was going on and on about foreign labor and the poor workers and outsourcing when I noticed something. SO I raised my hand and asked if he felt so strongly about that and we had to listen to him for like 10 plus minutes interrupt class, why was he wearing Nike's? He got super pissed and said we all patronize the evil corporation. I said yes and maybe we all feel bad about it too but we aren't yelling in class for ten minutes about it when the topic was the immigrant experience of Chinese Americans. Another day he was treating us to a super special glimpse into something about the government being evil and as a people we need to join together and I probaly agreed with him but he just kept going. I mean he is so passionate about EVERYTHING its like we all just stopped listening after awhile. So I asked him why if he is soo passionate about all this change and need for human aid why is majoring in theatre? He could have punched me in the face if he wasn't half my size and knew I could snap him like twig. He said, "theatre is a medium that changes the world the most." I said I think Jesus is.

SO... yesterday we had to peer grade each others final papers. Guess who got mine? He wouldn't tell me what he gave me but he put a sad face on it. Excellent. Can't wait to find out after the teacher reviews it. I feel better now. Dude.

I can see clearly now

2008-03-05T21:03:00.004-06:00

My uncle died today. Actually, it is my Grandma's brother so my great uncle, Uncle Harry died this morning.

In June, my grandpa will be gone five years. I love him immensely. More than any other man, he raised me as his own in the absence of my father. His birthday is tomorrow, March 6th. My gma and gpa were married for 57 years. She misses him everyday, and we talk about it often.

THis week with the loss of her brother and the bday of her deceased husband and best friend looming, we had alot of talks and reminiscing. She told me a story that was so amazing I have to share.

My grandpa was losing his eyesight slowly but surely. Cataracts/glaucoma and age was just wearing down his vision at a rapid rate. He visited many doctors and my gma administered medicated eye drops daily. My gma was saddened by his failing eye sight and wanted to do something to help. She sought medical advice and was assured it could be done, then approached my gpa. "I want to give you one of my eyes," she told my gpa. He wouldn't hear of it. She went on to explain, "You are my navigator in life, you help me find my way. IF you can't see and lead us, then we are both lost." He refused and the matter was eventually dropped. SHe would have gone through the rest of life with one eye, so my gpa could have sight.

Is there a more obvious example of love (aside from Jesus dying for us)? She had 2, he would have none so why not share with him? She is an amazing little lady that i can learn alot more from about giving of myself. I think we all could.

i think my power got shut off

2008-02-23T21:16:00.003-06:00

In one of my classes this past Friday, we were discussing power. Mostly everyone in the class felt that money is power. I was so angry and frustrated at that assertation and belief. It cut me deep inside and I was seething. I could not express all I wanted to correctly. I felt like I wanted to leave out and just get away from that. I was wondering where Jesus was in all this? I never said that directly because how do you communicate that to a class full of people? I mean, I do not agree that money is power because Jesus is power to me. Also, the full meaning of that to me is that money is good and whoever has it gets to be in charge and that they are better. My family doesn't have money, I have no money ever... I really am pretty darn sure I will never have a surplus of cash either. It's not a goal. It's not important. Does that mean I have no power? In this class, i felt so frustrated completely I was physically uncomfortable. I looked around and realized that very few people are operating on the same system of life that I am. Jesus. Jesus is my operating system. It changes EVERYTHING. Money is no power because money is an earthly thing. The power in this world is usually corrupt and abused. Jesus is the power. God created all these people and their stuff and can blot us out in an instant. That's power. But I felt weird, like how do I communicate with these people that notion of power. In one of my other classes, I mentioned during a presentation that I was a Christian and that that identity colors everything I do and say and want. I feel like my credibility to speak to issues is lost in that class now. Some of the people that I was buddies with, don't really seem to speak to me as much or joke around with me anymore. In most of my classes, race and class and systems of government or hierarchy are discussed. I am a sociology major and my college was awarded the title of most diverse college in America two times in a row by some Harvard research organization so they work issues of diversity into every single class. SO I am constantly discussing these issues... Of the ideas and arguments and work it takes to be a part of this ongoing discussion. I feel like I am overstimulated with hard issues of God, religion, race, power, government, belief, ideology. I dont want to discuss it all anymore. Where is all this discussion leading anyway? I guess maybe money is power. Maybe thats why I was so frustrated, I dont want it to be that way. I don't really like most of the people I meet with lots of money and them having all the power leaves me and everyone else I know and like out in the cold. The implications of all those people in power freaks me out. If I agree that money is power than i am agreeing I have no power. Power to do what? Maybe sin is the power....

What did you learn today?

2008-02-21T01:00:00.003-06:00

I want to give a quick shoutout and THANK YOU to Dave Brecheisen. I chatted briefly with him today and he told me to check out Mark Driscoll. I did and I love it. I appreciate his blunt truth and he makes me laugh.I feel a sense of happiness and relief to hear him say some things I have been thinking but maybe feeling too young in my faith to spell out. here is the best quote I found from him so far:

"You have been told that God is a loving, gracious, merciful, kind, compassionate, wonderful, and good sky fairy who runs a day care in the sky and has a bucket of suckers for everyone because we're all good people. That is a lie... God looks down and says 'I hate you, you are my enemy, and I will crush you,' and we say that is deserved, right and just, and then God says 'Because of Jesus I will love you and forgive you.' This is a miracle."

Bucket of sucker? SKY FAIRY? he kills me. A little harsh, maybe a little too mean but the idea I get. and like.

Undoubtedly more to come on this on. Thanks Dave. Good looking out.

Get busy.

2008-02-11T23:30:00.000-06:00

Two guys are talking to each other, and one of them says he has a question for God. He wants to ask why God allows all this poverty and war and suffering to exist in the world. And his friend says "well, why don't you ask?" The fellow shakes his head and says he is scared. When his friend asks why, he mutters "I'm scared God will ask me the same question."
Over and over, when I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, "you tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet."

~ The Irresistable Revolution
by Shane Claibourne

I never read this book, nor am I familiar with the author. But this is truth, plain and clear.
I had this conversation lately and it has been plaguing me. I don't argue theology or compare bible verses often. But this person I spoke with recently claimed that we are promised peace on this earth. I disagreed vehemently, and still do. I am not strong in memorizing bible verses ( I wasnt't "Lucky" enough to attend bible college) nor do I sit around and read tons of those soft, mushy Christian authors who spew forth their fluffy meandering ideas about what we should be doing. I get out there, in those streets, and try to do. I read about areas in the world that are broken. I study the city to try to learn about how to work for those that haven't a voice. I see the brokeness first hand and it tears me up inside. I barely do, though. I could do more, with the armor of Christ, to love and be His hands and feet in a dirty, sinful world. Being a part of this broken decimated world, it is hard to hold onto peace and goodness and light especially if you are trying to be a light in dark places. I believe that to be in community with people you don't set yourself apart, you feel their pain and work with them. Christ's peace is found in that, seeing Him restore you so you can love and work for another day. I said once that the life of a Christian is hard and I stand by that. It's about going to where there is hell, and helping to build his kingdom on earth. A little less sitting around, chit chatting with the ladies and reading about how to be a better and more effective Christian, get off it and ACT.

Earth isn't a super special vacation. Our reward is heaven.

I have studied and memorized enough of the Bible to understand and recapitulate here that we are not saved by works. We are saved by our faith. But doesn't that faith breed love? and that love breed a Godly desire for justice and mercy? So logically, I would think that would lead us to action.

ouch.

2008-02-08T01:57:00.000-06:00

I am pissed. Seriously, pissed off. What a freaking day I have had.
-I woke up with an eye infection.
-It continued with missing my appointment with my Spanish tutor early this morning. We got a ridiculous ammount of snow and as I went out to shovel my car out again, my neighbor who drives an unexceptably large conversion van was stuck in the snow. My grandma was yelling for me to come in the house because she didnt want the neighbors to see me out in the street in my white pajama pants with pink chairs on them. I didnt want to wear my pants out because they would get full of snow. So two of the other neighbors and I pushed her unacceptably large van ( I mean she has no kids or large farm animals that she is carting around in this vehicle, she is not a construction worker so she is not hauling anything, what's the point?)out of the hole she burned my flooring the gas pedal (apparently she did not read arloa sutter's recent post about this (www.arloasutter.blogspot.com). Good think I did not have my jeans on becuase I was covered in splattered dirty snow. Then all the neighbors left for work and the block was empty. I got into my car, and realized I was stuck really really badly.
-SO, it was so late already and as I came in the house to catch my breath I see on the TV that the Kennedy expressway is so backed up the travel time was like an hour and half.

I gave up. I went back to bed.

-I got up later and got another poor neighbor to drive my car while I pushed that bad boy out of the snow. I jammed my wrist to high heaven and hurt my back.
-I went to school. I didn't do well on my Spanish test. No more open tutors this week.
-I was supposed to begin a nanny job today that would last the weekend. Alot of money to fix my car and take my cat to the vet and help out a friend in need. I needed it. I was planning on it. I spent about an hour doing laundry and packing for the 4 day weekend away from home. I turned down 3 other jobs for this weekend. The grandma called me and the youngest kid has strep throat and she doesnt feel comfortable leaving them alone with a nanny now.
-So I decide to visit a friend in the city I haven't seen for a while. I get to their house and a car is stuck in the snow and we push it out, further hurting my wrist.
I get home way too late from hanging out.
I feel discouraged about a couple things but am holding on.
-I open my email to find a response from someone I have really been struggling to connect with. Their response really hurt me like I haven't opened myself up to be hurt in a good, long time.

It was just the last straw on a really long, hard day.
My back hurts, my wrist hurts, my eyes hurt and are causing an awful headache but most of all right now my heart hurts and I can't get to sleep. The tears fall and I just keep wondering Why is it the people you think will be there for you, the ones that you really trust to see you, are the first ones to go when things get rough?

I had a bad day today. If only I could let it all go and get some rest, I could put hope in tomorrow.

:(

2008-02-06T23:28:00.001-06:00

Some words and things I have just had it up to here with:

1. Changing-time for a change-vote for change-ready for a change-I promise change.
OK, enough. We all want change. Its the new buzz word. It is the new "read my lips no new taxes." Everyone wants a change from Bush.

2. Emergent-emerging church-emerging women-

To emerge: 1. to come forth into view or notice, as from concealment or obscurity: a ghost emerging from the grave; a ship emerging from the fog.
2. to rise or come forth from or as if from water or other liquid.
3. to come up or arise, as a question or difficulty.
4. to come into existence; develop.
5. to rise, as from an inferior or unfortunate state or condition

(I love dictionary.com)

the church has been around for awhile. Women have been around for a while. Stop it already. Please. Thats like calling bottled water emerging. yes its been around awhile but now we package it and sell it so that makes it different, its emerging water. I am going to punch myself in the face.

I am also so sick of Snow that I seriously may lose my mind. Every couple of days, we are getting like 6 inches or more of snow. IF I have to shovel my car out one more time, I may cry. (yes I am lucky to have a car, I KNOW)I am sick of the noise the shovel makes as it hits the pavement, I am sick of the sliding noise the car makes as it gets stuck again in the snow, I am sick of the noise the snowplow makes at 3 in the morning as it plows the street but effectiely buries my car in a mound of filthy snow.I am sick f wearing sopping wet boots in class. I sick of the dog not wanting to go to the bathroom because the snow is too deep. I am tired of snow and cold and dreary. I am going to punch that furry groundhog that said more winter.

weighing it all out

2008-02-06T20:26:00.000-06:00

I nanny for lots of families. The family I do regularly lives in Chicago by my school. I am so blessed to know them. They are a wonderful married couple with 2 sons; age 3 and 5 months. I was babysitting for them while the mom was pregnant with the boy who is now five months. The mom stays home while I am there usually and I love it. We tag team the boys and each take one and usually chat about everything as we play. We have become great friends and I feel like part of the family. They really have been a true source of comfort and happiness the past year. I have seen the baby boy grow these past months and take as much joy in him as they do. The thrill I feel as he accomplishes rolling over or his discovery of his own voice which he uses to shriek in a song like manner for several minutes at a time, the sadness I feel when he is sick or crabby- I really love him. The older boy is in preschool and I revel in hearing all about his teachers and his new friends and that the number 7 is his favorite. SO I love them and thank God all the time for the whole family and all they have taught me. The comfort they have provided cannot be measured.

I have had a lot of ups and downs, emotionally speaking, and the Lord truly does give and take away. I have to wonder, is He taking some of these people away for my benefit? I can only hope. I was forced to remove family members from my life and separated from friends I thought I would be close with forever. The pain of those situations still sting, some of the actions and word I will never truly be able to come to peace with for the hurt they caused. I find myself trying to see if the pain that those close to me balances out with the new additions, this family for example, that bring love and joy. I want to smash this scale. I dont want to try to count out my blessings and measure them against my losings/losses/failings.

I pray for forgiveness. Forgiveness that I can extend to others that have hurt me so deeply.
I pray for the ability to enjoy and revel in the blessings that the Lord has heaped on me.

And may I continue to turn my face to the Lord, and know that no blessing is greater than my salvation.

70 times 7, or no?

2008-02-01T23:29:00.000-06:00

Where do you draw that line?

One of my greatest attributes is that I can forgive almost anyone for almost anything. I am so seriously flawed, and I appreciate not only God's grace (even though maybe I have a bit of trouble grasping/embracing it) but everyone around me 's extension of it. And I am a Christian, I was saved by grace and forgiveness. Thank Jesus.

One of my biggest faults is that I can forgive almost anyone for almost anything. I can forgive and forgive and get over it again and again and again. I will often say sorry, even when its not my fault exactly, so we can begin the healing process. It's not a fake apology, because I am sorry we fought and a disagreement ensued reproducing anger and hurt feelings. I have very little pride when it comes to this area. Basically, this ends up causing me hurt and enabling people to see/use me as a doormat. People sometimes seem to figure out that I am huge on forgiveness and perhaps, manipulate me or take advantage. They mistake my grace for weakness.

So lately I am faced with the conundrum of where do I draw the line?
Someone once told me that you can forgive someone, but not allow them back into your life to damage you once again. But this is not a picture of true forgiveness.
I have a few people in mind as I write this.

In one case, I am happier with them completely displaced from my life. I have experienced a lifetime of ridiculousness and want to just cut all ties. But the Bible tells me I have to forgive. I am haunted by the fact that Jesus has forgiven me for giving up on Him like 9 million times and where would I be without that? Damned, literally. SO I should go on ahead and work through this,but I dont want to and I feel it is detrimental to my mental health to be in contact with this person. So what do you do?

In the other case, I want this person to be near me all the time, but they keep doing things that make me hurt.They are messed up, in need of grace, just like me. I feel my grace tank is running on empty lately though. But Jesus's is never on empty and that is who I ultimately want to emulate.

When I die and come face to face with God, how will I answer for myself and my unwillingness to forgive? What if God chooses to punish me for those choices to banish people from me to save myself some pain? What if God chose to banish me to save himself the hurt I cause with my sin? And further more, dissension in His kingdom hurts the Lord. How can I say that I am a kingdom builder when I am not repairing relationships in my own life? It doesnt seem possible though.

When do you give up this fight?

someone answer me.

Mercury- not the planet.

2008-02-01T01:24:00.000-06:00

I was super excited about those new lightbulbs that are suposedly better for the environment and better for your pocketbook. Plus, they have a cool shape -like a corkscrew. But watching the news (Channel 5- NBC.com) tonight got me seriously concerned. I have them in all my bulbs, I got my gma some and encouraged my boyfriends to get some to. The City of Chicago was giving 2 free bulbs away to low income households in December. The report on the news tonight showed that when the bulbs break Mercury is released! The woman who was being interviewed was upset because it cost her 2000 dollars to get the mercury out of her carpet, but I'm way more concerned about the health and environmental aspects of this release of mercury. I break stuff all the time, and if I break one of these new lightbulbs its serious! And what about when they burn out and we throw them out? I am sure 99.9% of them break. The report said an answer to this is to recycle them but who seriously takes the time to recycle a lightbulb? And you have to recycle them at a special HazMat (hazardous materials) place. What is going to happen when the 30 million that were sold last year alone (stats courtesy of NBC ten o clock news)find their way to the garbage dump and break and then all that mercury is exposed?

Check it out at NBC.com.
Worth worrying about a little.

a ho is more than a garden tool

2008-01-30T23:54:00.000-06:00

I like hip hop just as much as anyone else. A constant struggle I have is thoroughly enjoying songs that not only do not give glory to God in any way, but these songs also many times defile His creations and elicit sinful activities. BUT those beats are just killing and I can't deny it. I especially love the songs that talk about or have super simple dance steps that sweep the nation as a new dance craze like lean with it rock with it, walk it out, laffy taffy, you get it? Alot of times with this genre of music, I never buy the CD or anything i just hear it on WGCI/the radio where they censor out some of the particularly offensive words which doesnt always give me the entire picture of what the artist is saying. And some lyrics that seem blatantly obvious to others, escape me. SO ok, the Superman Song by Soldier Boy? Everyone and their mother likes this song. It's EVERYWHERE! Even Regis and Kelly had the artist Soldier Boy on and he performed live after teaching them the dance that goes to his song. They pulled up children and old people from the audience to participate and be back up dancers. Some college bball coach made a video of himself doing the "soldier boy" dance. An advanced ballet class filled with young dancers performed a en pointe routine to this song and posted it on youtube. All these previously mentioned videos are available on YOU TUBE as are like 73 million others.
Am I taking crazy pills? This song is saying "crank that soldier boy, superman that Ho."
I am not going to disclose here exactly what a superman is, email if you need clarification (please don't :) ), but it is a seriously disgusting and demeaning sexual act. I cant believe that all these people are dancing to this song like it's the theme to the Mickey Mouse club or something.
I think that we are so oversexualized in America that we just think this is no big deal. This has been on my mind lately and I am shocked, so blown away, that everyone is getting down to this song with the kids.

Responding

2008-01-29T11:59:00.001-06:00

I support Barack Obama in his bid to be the next president of the United States. Here is a short video of his response to our current president's State of the Union Address. In this 5 minute video, I feel his true frustration (that mirrors my own) of the broken politics in Washington. This response also exemplifies many of the reasons that I feel supporting Obama is the best choice in this election.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmNCALGHOC4