Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I am my own kryptonite.

Through several recent current events, I have come across the realization that I am a maniac about rejection. Rejection in any form at all. From men, from women, from businesses, schools, stores, credit card companies, scholarships, pets, kids I babysit for. I avoid situations that in any way could contribute to the vast possibility of being rejected in some form. I think this is an issue of pride. That was one area where I thought I did not struggle. I struggle to think well of myself, let alone be prideful in any way shape or form. Perhaps though, an absence of pride or self worth is just as much an issue I should seek God in. God made us all in his likeness and image, and I can see the good in everyone else but somehow that God-given love for the lost and forgotten and my ability to see the good in people no matter how hidden is lost on me. I am my own kryptonite.

Did you ever get to a point in your life where you thought things would get better? I mean I remember being like 10 years old and hearing about how the world was going to end in 2000 or 2010 and worrying...(that was my hobby as a child) but thinking that I would be like 21 or 30 and that I could handle that then. I remember thinking that when I got older, I could handle everything and that relational problems and awkward situations were a thing of adolescence. That is so incredibly not true. I didnt care at all what people thought back then. I had this innocence or naivety, some prefer to call it a lack of discernment(!?!?!) But now here I am 29 years old and its like I am more awkward and shy then ever. What happened?

I also thought that I would be 29 and I would be this successful *fill in the blank*
(teacher, social worker, secretary, mom, wife)
And its pretty obvious that I am not.
I am in college.
I am an intern and honestly, its not going that well.
I babysit for extra money.
I am not married.
I have no kids.
I dont even have my dog anymore.

I thought I would be 29 and have this whole secure grown up life. But I dont. I struggle now more than ever with opening up to people and being friends or in community. The older I get the more broken I get, which right now is terrifying.
The whole pyramid is inverted. I feel like I am regressing.


Anonymous said...

The whole pyramid is inverted... just L@@K ! The whole world is waiting... and you are just the person that can do it!

Marquis said...

I feel you in so many ways on this blog. I look at myself at 21 I was supposed to start up my company and living the good life. What God has taught me like yesterday (seriously) is that though my life isn't where I wanted it to be or "it should be" that doesn't mean you will never get there. Reflection on the past is good because you should see where you "messed up" so as to not fall again but the beating up of yourself daily doesn't help you reach your goals. Who knows maybe this year you could be a:

successful *fill in the blank*
(teacher, social worker,secretary, mom, wife)
I am in college. (there is nothing wrong with going to school to fulfill the dreams God has given you.)
I am married.
I have one child on the way.
I have two dogs (one black dog and a small one from a shelter) and a cat. They all love me soo much!

Hopefully in a year we will be in better positions!