Thursday, July 31, 2008


Why is it so hard for me? I want to meet new people that are Christian and value the same things that I do but it is a nightmare to me to actually do that. I hate hate hate talking about myself and sharing details of my life. I don't have a neat and tied up testimony that I feel comfortable sharing. Maybe I should get to work on that...?

I dont know what to share, what not to share, what I wont feel naked and exposed and vulnerable later for having shared.

There is a line between being transparent and honest and my personal privacy but I am not sure where that line is drawn right now, and I am stepping so carefully to not mess it up. But then is that really transparent? Doesnt everyone, even CHristians, reveal only what they want others to see? Honestly, though is anyone really transparent? I think that most people are like translucent- let some light through and you can see there is something there but not as clear as a window and not opaque letting no light through.
I am pondering. Maybe scrambling as I attempt to enter a new community of women and other Christians. It is seriously so foreign to me, its like another language and code of conduct ( code of the christian streets, haha) that I am not totally familiar with.

Usually, I sit by quietly observing and figuring out what to do and what I want to do and then like months later I can dip a toe in the water and feel it all out. Last night at my first women's bible study it was just all out cannonball in the water and Who am I and who are you. It was refreshing and enjoyable to an extent, but I left and felt worried and sensitive and out of place. I seriously stayed up half the night being like what if they know this about me? Or that I did that? Which sins are too big to share with other people (not God)? Or if they really knew that I swear or if they dont think I should date or etc then everything will be ruined? Paranoia. For real. Trusting is not my strong suit. But I dont think its unfounded. This intentional attempt at a positive community is tearing me apart, but in the end will it help stitch it all back together and be fortifying and edifying?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

heart of stone

Lord I pray that my heart is not hardened.


I was reading in the bible that no one hates their brother/neighbor yet loves the Lord. I feel I have been hating on some people in my heart, and sometimes just putting it out there. I want to soften my heart and really live out the Love that Christ has for me.

Lord let them know I am a Christian by my actions.

this website is amazing. Thats where I got the picture. Check it out.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I do.

I still love Chicago though. Dont get it twisted.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Where in the world in Lynwood, Illinois?

I was perusing the paper at work the other day, and as that particular family receives every major newspaper known to man I am not sure which ones it was I found this story in, but I came across a peculiarly alarming story concerning fashion.

Apparently, the fine town of Lynwood, Il has outlawed sagging your pants. (It's when you wear your pants so low that your undies show. There is various degrees of this hip and trendy fashion statement, from all out wearing the waist of your pants under your butt cheek or just a little low.)Its super dumb. I hate it and want to smack people I dont even know in the back of the head and tell them to pull their pants up like I am their momma. But I don't. I have limits. And you should too. So should the government of LYNWOOD Illinois. Illegal? I mean, is it that serious?

What I used to wear to high school should probaly be illegal also. I was a punk rocker til I D-I-E!! Amazing. My friends and I used to ravage the resale shops and Goodwills for old men's plaid golf pants and mailman pants and just other scary scary articles of clothing. Often these were several sizes too large and accompanied by a rather large and omnious wallet chain and band t shirt or hawaiian shirt. I kid you not. I wish I had pictures. My mom was slightly amused, but appreciated my creativity and expression. If those outfits were not illegal then sagging should reign free.

WHy is this illegal? Because the mayor of Lynwood said he is trying to establish a center for commerce in his town and he cant do that with men and boys wearing their pants so low that you can see their underwear.
So let's play along.
My boyfriend and I played a game as we drove through Chicago we called
"Fashion choices more offensive than sagging." Most of the fashion crimes we saw were perpetrated by women. Although they are not often criminals of sagging, they can be very scandalously dressed in public. What about shirts with no bra? Book em. Too short shirts exposing belly or back fat? Go directly to jail, do not pass GO because Honey? you get no money here. Short shorts? How is that not illegal already, but more importantly how is that comfortable? Your ENTIRE butt cheek is visible to me.
And those low rise jeans women wear? When they sit down or bend over to pick something up, its a full moon. That is a form of sagging? Especially guilty when accompanied by a "tramp stamp" ( a tattoo visible when wearing low rise jeans- directly above your butt crack )

But do I think that officer friendly will be pulling over the town women for exposing themselves in the summer heat?
I do not.

Now I could go into a few more paragraphs concerning the racial implications here and how this fashion is worn by a specifically targeted group of males in society but instead, I am taking the personal liberty and freedom of all in fashion choice stance. Join me?

Is this really the biggest crime problem in Lynwood? Maybe they could start tackling Chicago's problems if they aren't busy over there.

Maybe Lynwood should put in an Olympic bid for 2016?

Screw the people of Beijieng, Bring on the Olympics.

So today I was sitting in a Subway in Winnetka having a $5 foot long ( I know you just sang the song in your head)with a girl I babysit. Since everything is ridiculously pampered and over the top in Winnetka, I was sitting in a leather cushioned chair in their "lounge" complete with a flat screen plasma tv which had stereo sound. The television was tuned to CNN and I watched this story with pure amazement.

It seems Beijieng has too much pollution, and this is embarrassing because the world will be watching on 08-08-08 (how cute)as the Olympics are coming to town. Effectively immediately, all the factories there are closed and the workers on a NON paid "vacation." This is a stop gap solution which will not clear up or clean out any of the pollution but millions more fumes and harmful agents will not be released into the atmosphere, at least until the Olympics are over. And also starting today, everyone who lives in the city can only drive every other day. If you have a car, you have to get a special permit which tells you which few days of the week that you can use your own car on. Again, stop gap not effective in cleaning or working for a better future but just until the Olympics are over....

Am I taking crazy pills?
The people of Beijieng are not happy. This one guy was freaking out in Chinese ( I assume) and saying something about how he lives day to day on his paycheck in the factories and what is he going to do. I bet there are alot more people out there wondering how they will survive this next month and half. But hey, as long as the OLYMPICS go off without a hitch THATS what is important. hey, One world one dream right? Thats the slogan? One dream of what? THis gets more ridiculous by the day.

Ahem, Mayor Daley, are you taking notes?
Of course you are.
2016 Stir the soul?
not so much,
How about relocate-all-the-homeless-repeatedly-to-hide-the-problem-and-screw-the-working-man-in-Chicago-what-about-our-increased-level-of-pollution-and-what-about-the-transit-problem 2016?
I volunteer to make t shirts.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Chicago, What the hell?

Chicago is pissing me off.

I like Jody Weiss, the new superintendent. I think its awesome that he came up in here and fired all those police superintendents and higher ups so he could start over and deal with corruption. I do not think violence is out of control in Chicago, anymore than it ever is. Every summer everyone freaks out like gun violence in Chicago during warm weather is a new thing. I am not saying it doesnt matter, it does so get mad, get angry, motivate, assemble, pray lets do this....But this is not brand new information to any of us. Why do we have to go through the act of being shocked and blown away like this somehow symbolizes the armegeddon. Every year people, every year gangbangers take to the streets with their guns and innocent people get shot in the crossfire. Its bull, yes, but this is not brand new information. This is not a new phenomenon. I am not sure why we cant seem to solve this problem, but perhaps its because we spend the first month and a half of summer pretending like its a huge shock this is happening. Lets all just go in the house a little earlier and keep our kids out the dang streets.

The transit system. Are you kidding me? No, for real? We cant get this together but we want to add like 50 million people to the city during the summer in few years for the Oympics? Are they all going to walk? Our transit system is a joke. They threaten doomsday every other month and scare people with fare increases and route cuts. Who am I faulting? I am blaming all that on Our stupid excuse for a governor, Blagoyevich. I do not care I may have spelled this man's name wrong, I do not care. His name should be demoted to a four letter word. He promised the CTA like 32 million dollars and decided last week to take it back. Um, sorry, sir there's no takesies backsies after you sign off on it. The Chicago Transit Authority did not cut routes or hike fares because you told them not to! You, Governor dipwad, promised them funds to the tune of 32 million dollars to bail them out. Then, to further screw with the CTA you made them give seniors free and reduced fare cards which you promised to pay for. Its like he is kidding, like hahah April Fools! I dont get it, are him and Todd Stroger best friend forever?

R.B + T.S = Partners in Crime for a new Chicago?????

Cmon. Is anyone else paying attention?

Or are we all too excited about the State troopers and National Guardsmen coming to the Chi to help police our streets? Thats a great idea. Its nice the State Troopers could take time out of their busy schedules of writing speeding tickets on the interstates to hang out with the bangers and work for peace. I am sure their training totally equipped them to deal with urban violence and city issues.

On a positive note, I heard the City of Chicago bought a new battalion of Police SUVS! Wheee money well spent there, because the regular cars were not effective at fighting crime or fixing the worst schools and hospitals in the nation or funding our transit system, but these Ford Explorers should get everything back in order! Not to mention they take more gas and somehow that all works out to help the city save money and fight crime.

Another bright spot is Mayor Daley just raised 12 million the other night for the Olympic Bid! Yay. At least he knows whats important in this city, I feel so warm and fuzzy that our fearless leaders have righted the ship of Chicago and are steering us in the direction of a brighter future for all.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Lowlights :(

So as I was waiting for the train in Colorado I struck up a conversation with Mr. Steers (see previous post). Mr. Steers got up to take a walk around the station and asked me to watch his bags for a minute. The man on the other side of me told me that was against Amtrak policies and they ask you about that when they take your ticket. (Anyone suspicious? Any unattended bags? Anyone ask you to watch their things? Were your bags out of sight for any length of time?) They didnt ask. But the large, furry, odd man next to me proceeded with the conversation about safety and I listened. Then he spoke about other things. He was a truck driver from Kansas, he has a house there but is never home, he is taking the train to Omaha, he had to quit his dream of college to work after his father lost his job, he is ultra conservative. And finally our conversational turning point: He does not think our president is conservative enough. This is when I officially entered the conversation. I asked what does he feel our president is not conservative enough concerning? He said immigration. I further inquired as to how.

(Quick note: most of you know me to be quite the fireball when it comes to debating and other inflamatory conversations, but let me help you out a little here. This man was very large, a little odd and I was in the middle of a train station in Colorado. And I know how to be polite and respectful, when I need to be! And since it was warm I was not wearing my Barack My World sweater.)

He felt that we should build a fence ALL AROUND the country, an iron curtain, if you will. He went on and on. I listened. Some people next to him were nodding in agreement. I was slightly amused. (I really missed Chicago at this point)
Then he concluded with some ignorant crap and was done.
I asked him if he loved his parents, which I knew were still alive as he had previously mentioned. He seemed intriqued and answered that he did. I asked if what lengths would he go to if they needed medical care that our country did not provide, or if they were starving and no food was available? Would he walk to Canada? Perhaps enter Illegally if it meant they could live? He just looked at me.
Then he said he did support some sort of resident worker program. That we should get something like that going, on a bigger level. But that if these people from other countries insisted on coming here they should wait in line. I asked him how do you wait in a 3 year line of endless red tape when your life and your families lives are in imminent jeopardy? If even the governments are corrupt and in killing people, at that point what do you do?
He said well if you cross the border, then you cut in line and screw others. I agreed but felt that I cannot fault people for trying to provide basic needs like life and food to those they love. I see it from a human standpoint, not a fiscal one.
I also said that we are a country of immigrants and that no one is really from here. I then rambled on (boringly I am sure) about how even the first people in the America's , the Clovis people, walked here from China across the Bering Strait so in a sense emigrating!
Then he said, "well they have to learn english."
"Who?" I said.
"Those immigrants you want to come here. It's for their own good. The government needs to make it mandatory for them to all learn English." he declared satisfactorily.

Then, I asked a rhetorical question. I said, " Dont ultra conservatives dislike the government and any involvement in their personal lives whatsoever?"

He affirmed that and elaborated that government should mind its own business at all times and stay away.

So I asked isnt that intrusive to require people to learn a language? Isnt that very personally intrusive? And who decided English is the national language?

He turned to me and stared. And then laughed loudly.
He said,"You are smart. You are a woman, and you are smart!"
I told him that was a confusing compliment.
He said he had never met a woman that could argue so well with him.He was serious.

Was that really a lowlight? Not sure. But this conversation followed with some very awkward moments of him following me around the station, onto the train and forcing me to move seats twice.

Other lowlights:

Since our train was so delayed, I guess the bathrooms filled up and they had to shut them off two hours before we got there. SO no bathroom. They were disgusting, seriously. Horrifying. Scary. They are like airplane bathrooms with the suction and metal and smallness.

We drove through the flooded midwest towns and I was shocked. Six miles from the Mississippi was still flooded. Whole farms under water. I saw cars, trucks and SUVs floating alongside farming equipment. The houses and barns were still underwater except their roofs. The interstates are still closed. Amtrak told us that the train was shut down for 4 weeks as they had to rebuild the entire line through that area. I had no idea. It was silent on the train as we crawled through the area at like 20 miles an hour. It was horrific. It just looked like one huge lake. No evidence of anything else but the tall trees sticking out occasionally. I wondered if all the animals died? I hurt for the families who lost everything; farms, crops, houses, cars, lives.... It still amazes me the devastation water can cause. I wondered how the price of food will be affected further. Hurrican Katrina came to mind, as I have seen pictures and they do compare. Everyone was pressed against the windows and it was silent on the train for like half an hour. the water came up to about feet from the train line.

I ate a hot dog that man pulled from a plastic bag that he cooked in the microwave. I regretted it immediately. I am still horrified at my food choice. It was either that or a ham and american cheese sub or tuna salad on wheat. Sick. And I paid like 5dollars for it.

but im home now and its all but faint memories.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

come on ride the train- CHOO CHOO ride it.

I am not sure if you are aware of that song from the 90's but its in my head and an appropriate title!

My mom came out to Colorado so I came home. Since it was a last minute changing of the guards type of deal, plane fares were outrageous which was perfect because I hate hate hate flying. SO I took the Amtrak. I guess I would have to disagree that its the way to really fly, seeing as how it was supposed to take 18 hours and 41 minutes but it really took like 23 hours. Also, I pretty sure if I was in better shape I could have riden a bicycle alongside the train at the same speed if not faster. But the seats were comfortable and for the most part I was left alone to relax which was good because I needed it.

So here are the highlights (with pictures) and lowlights of my first big girl train ride:

The seats were nice.
I got to just look out the window and watch stuff go by.
I colored pictures for like three hours and listened to my IPOD.

I met a man who was from Alexandria, New Orleans. His name was Mr. Steers and he was 60 and looked like an older, balder Bruce Willis. He was friendly and we talked at the station and he was a happy nice man. We parted ways as we boarded the train on different cars but I caught up with him in the morning in the viewing car. Here he is entertaining two kids who had tired out their mom with their incessant talking. As you can see he is wearing a Superman shirt, which is funny because the kids thought he was really Superman and thats why they started talking to him. The boys were Jazmon who was entering first grade this year and his younger brother Jason. Jazmon was wearing a power ranger shirt and thought he WAS the red ranger. Jason was wearing a spiderman shirt and thought he WAS spiderman. So it makes sense that when they saw happy smiley Mr. Steers in the lounge car they were excited to have a superhero meeting. Besides hearing the three of them talk about their "lives" as superheroes, I was entertained when Jazmon took off Mr. Steers hat and was surprised that he was bald. Jazmon says, "why dont you have hair?" and Mr. Steers, much to my joy and appreciation replied, "I do. Its invisible hair."
Pho<br />tobucket

When I departed the train, delayed four hours or so, exhausted, drained, hot, and having to use the bathroom (see low lights)I was blown over and surprised to see Marquis waiting for me. I was so happy and thrilled I cried. He laughed and hugged me and carried my heavy computer bag (stuffed to the gills with books I didnt get a chance to read and my laptop) and 50 lb suitcase six blocks to the green line, then up the stairs the the blue line, then to transfer to the bus then 4 blocks home as I pranced along side of him carrying a bag of pretzels and my purse! I felt like a princess or something and smiled the whole way. I have zero idea what I would have done if he had not thought to meet me. I am not strong. I have never seen someone do something so incredibly unselfish and wonderful for me. He sacrificed his time and his body (those were very heavy bags)and I just love him to death and am still so impressed and touched at how much he loves me for no good reason. I am very difficult and slightly crazy.

ON that happy note, I will end this post and fill you in on the lowlights of the trip tomorrow.

To be continued...

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Monday, July 7, 2008

Can i get a WIDNESS?

thats the name of my sisters doctor. Dr. Widness. Pray for him because the man needs help. No one can figure out what is wrong with her, and she is hurtin.

here is me typing this blog:
I got a new phone with an awesome camera in it. So be excited about way more pictures. Usually they will be of Chicago and places I go but enjoy Colorado for now.

This was such a long weekend, and I have an even longer week ahead of me. Man, Im so tired and just down.

There were a few highlights this weekend though.

My cousin Photobucket and cousin in law (fc 1 and 2) came to visit and hang out. Her husband is from England and they apparently do not play UNO there so we had to teach him. I helped (cheated mildly) him to pour vengenace upon my aunt Photobucket (his mother in law) in the form of draw two and draw fours because she was being such a stickler about the rules and no help for him. We laughed alot and ate calzones. The game really seemed to perk up my sister and her blood pressure got as close to normal as it would all weekend.

The hospital she is at had a pamphlet on a therapy dog service and I was excited. On sunday I inquired and they signed her up. An hour later, there was a knock on the door and in walked a young man and the enormous fuzzy Missy the therapy dog complete with little tiny green bows in her hair.Photobucket They stayed for a few minutes and we talked about and pet Missy and it was fun PhotobucketBut this young man told us you can bring your own dog to the hospital. We were like WHAT???? We love our dogs in our family, like LOVE to love to love our dogs. My boyfriend often says I like dogs more than people and that may not be entirely false.

SO here is some documentation of her dog, Banana, visiting her in the hospital and cheering her greatly! What a great idea this hospital has!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

I love my sister

Kim Murphy is my favorite. She is very sick. Please take a minute to pray for her for strength and healing and for her to surrender herself to the Lord. Please.


Thursday, July 3, 2008

things I miss

I'm in Colorado. I cant breathe, the altitude is so high which makes the air so thin... It hasnt stopped raining. My sister is real sick and I am worried. I am tired and restless and anxious. I like home and my cat. Here is a self indulgent blog which is full of things I miss, photographically.

PhotobucketI miss my cat. My sisters friend is watching her and loving her which is good and a blessing becuase I am not sure when I am coming back. But I miss her and her marshmallow paws.

This is Jack. I babysit for him every week. He just started crawling. When I get back he will maybe be close to walking and saying even more words!

this is Jack's brother, Thomas. I babysit for him even before Jack was born! T is in love with baseball. He knows stats, teams, players, logos, and he is only three. He is great. These two boys are the lights of my life, I couldnt love them more if they were my own.

My brushes. I miss my brushes and paints and canvases. I was working on a cool painting full of blues before I left. I contemplating bringing it all here but I may be taking a plane home and then how would I fit it in luggage and etc. I am sad and I want to paint.

This is me squeezing Cubby as she lays in her bed.
this is my grandma's dog, Cubby, and she is crabby and not very cuddly most of the time. I miss her because she is cute and allows me to harrass her daily. She is very weird.

this is marquis. I was missing him even before I left......

I love the Chi. Its home. I like home. I hate traveling.
This is the view of Gospel Fest as a storm rolled in over Millenium Park.
Gothically beautiful.

Yeah, I have only been away for a few days but I felt the need to express my sentiments through pictures.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Sudhir Venkatesh

Sometimes I can just feel when a book is going to be amazing. I know its going to invogorate me and change me up. I know that before reading "Gang leader for a day" by the "rogue sociologist" Sudhir Venkatesh. I get a little nervous before reading these books, I put it off and look at the cover alot as if I am not yet ready for the wealth of information and motivation it is going to provide.

I cracked it last night and read like 100 pages. The foreword said that the Sudhir has an overdeveloped curiosity and an underdeveloped sense of fear. I laughed because that is something my grandma and grampa have said about me for years. Sudhir says he is not interested in being a stuffy scientific sociologist and that through math and those surveys you cant get to really know people. I am not interested in all that scientific quantitative stuff but I am getting a sociology degree. People ask me all the time what my career will be and it is the same as when I was little, I want to work with the poor in Chicago. I know it will be working for equality across class and race lines. Thats it. Thats all I know. Much to the dismay of others, I lack lofty financial aspirations. I just need t make enough for me, a small apartment, a dog and cat, and an occasional trip to Target!!! :)

But when I read people like Sudhir I get excited. I will let you know how it reads out.


People with Nevada license plates tend to be more agressive, taunting drivers.

I will see my sissy in like 5 hours, I cant wait.

Motel Six is not bad, They leave the light on for you too.

I miss my cat! ISnt that silly? My sisters friend is watching her and sent a picture today and I got all wistful and sad.