Thursday, January 1, 2009

Too Old and too Pretty

Being sleep deprived, stressed beyond all get out, and frustrated I yelled that at the top of my lungs last night in my friends apartment.If you know me, I'm pretty sure you know I dont think either one of those things about myself, but my friends pounced on it and want me to accept it as my personal 2009 mantra. I feel like that last little something just broke last night.You know, straw...camel...

We are having some serious family issues, ones that I cant even work through right now. Since about Wednesday, I have this block and I cant even pray. I can simply just sit in silence and think about God. I am not sure if I am angry, or so incredibly hurt or scared. have you ever had a stomach ache for like 6 days straight?

I also think its time for Sarah to stand up. People mistake my kindness for weakness a little too often. People mistake my desire to serve as a doormat. People mistake my constant extension of forgiveness as an excuse to hurt me over and over.

I need to find a balance between the super soft sensitive Sarah that loves too much and wants to be loved too much and the Sarah that takes up for everyone else and stands strong in the face of all adversity. It's like I have all the qualities to fix myself, on one side I am super vulnerable and weak and the other I'm a beast. If I could put those together and take up for me and protect me, I would be better.
But there is this bridge out.... that those two sides cant come together for me, and I'm pretty sure thats one of the reasons I need Christ. He is that bridge. His love fills in all the brokenness.

Im stubborn and sinful. Why wont I rest in Him?

1 comment:

Marquis said...

If i may so comment on this:

This "balance" you are searching for abandon that search now. Like you said in your blog bring them into a holy matrimony creating a "Christ-like balance" compassionate and empathetic when need be and stern and rebuking also.

Also, I just understood the beginning of this blog like after reading this for 73 times and looking at the date.