compounding.

To not worry seems to take things for granted, to not care.

How many of these things (worry, nervousness, anger, confusion) were so reinforced by my family...

It truly feels great to have cut those ties.

My grandma is the one person in the family I do still speak to and she often tells me that if my "church" knew that I do not interact with my family that they would tell me I am wrong. She tells me God wants me to be close with them and love them and continue to forgive them. I think that is what she wants and in THIS case it also happens to be what God wants. I am not sure my grandma is exactly tuned into the desires of the Lord, but who knows? Maybe she is. God uses all things and people.

I think He does want me to talk to them too.

At what point though.....
When does it become enough? At what point exactly is it ok for me to cut out abusive, neer do well, detrimental people from my life so I can continue to grow in a positive direction?
I extend forgiveness so readily, so easily, so frequently because I understand how seriously ridiculous I am and all the things I do and how desperately I need grace.
But this time, I can't.
I need to work on it.
I have lost that last bit of trust and faith that this "family" cares about me, loves me and is in ANY way concerned for my benefit. They have broken me for what I want to be the last time.

The dysfunctionality of my family, the craziness, the abusiveness, the mental issues, the deceit, the lying, the sneakiness, the mistrust, the neglect,the pain
ALL OF THAT
affects my whole life and how I go about relationships now.
I was talking with a friend last week, or actually NOT talking when I should have and he said to me, "Sarah, if I am your family like you say I am, then act like it." He meant tell him what I am struggling with, tell him what is tearing me apart and be honest about it. He meant trust him.

I thought, I am treating him like family! I am filtering myself and not trusting you and trying to protect myself and acting mean so you dont think I actually do care what you have to say because if you did know, then you would use that power to mess with me and hurt me.

Later, i realized this and told my friend that I didnt think i knew what family really was.
It turned out that he had already figured that out.

When people pray to God as Father, I get lost. I dont have a positive picture of that.
When people talk about the church as our family, I run. I dont have a positive picture of that.

I need to get a camera and take some new pictures.