Sunday, February 1, 2009

Dont shrink Jesus.

I read other blogs. One I used to read alot but now just check in on super late at night when I cant sleep is This guy writes it and another blog site called (Jon Acuff)I laugh, but most things I dont get because I have only been a Christian for like 2 and a half years and I go to a house church so all the big church humor and youth group antics can be lost on me. But its funny, he's smart and sarcastic = my favorite combo.

But on the 97 seconds website, he wrote a post a while ago that I somehow linked to tonight/this morning and it was good. It said to stop shrinking Jesus. Dont let other people shrink Jesus for you. He is big enough. Big enough for all of this.
and that.

I remember a conversation I had with my friend Mariko back when I wasnt even really a Christian. She told me that God was big enough for what I telling her. I was afraid to come before God because of what I had done. People knew, they were talking, I looked horrible. But she assured me, Jesus was big enough.

I needed that tonight. And this week. And last week actually too.

So much pain i see. So much pain I feel. I want to turn away. I realized tonight that my attempts lately are to harden my heart and turn away. I think this walk is too hard and I am not cut out for this. As a Christian, I have to accept my sensitivity and not stifle it. In the world, I was so tough. I hid and ran and fought and I did me. But as a Christian, I have to take all those feelings and pain and just love and deal with them. READ THESE WORDS: its too hard.

I just look stupid all the time. I cant hide, I cant stifle my feelings, I cant even pretend and put up a front. All thats left is to love and live through it. When people hurt me, I cant get mad and act on that. I mean, I DO but then I have to deal with making it better. I am instantly convicted.
I should change my name to I'M SORRY - i say it so much. And it sucks. Im gonna say it, IT SUCKS.

Before I was a Christian, I got to get by with drinking it off, smoking cigarettes, buying what I wanted, living with my friends, yelling, fighting, having boyfriends and sex and running my life. Now its all gone and I am left with quiet and no distractions.

I try so hard to distract myself. With boys, or thoughts of going back to living the way I was. But I can't.

I look stupid all the time. I want to be alone so bad right now. I want to hide. It hurts more to go through this then around it. I want to harden my heart and get angry.

But I dont want to shrink Jesus. Im not with all this for me, Im with it for Jesus. FOR JESUS.
Jesus is big enough for this walk.
Jesus is worth more than what you do to me and how you make me feel.
Jesus is more than my stupid actions and how I want to hide from them because saying sorry hurts.

This blog is as much for me, as it is for whoever keeps reading this.
Pray for me. Please.


Steve said...

So much rises and falls on a biblical view of God.

Good post.

Christopher B. Brooks said...

Great insights Sarah. Being a Christ-follower is definitely a more challenging lifestyle...

Yet SO REWARDING, both now and forever!