Thursday, November 15, 2007

Honestly,....

so yes, Honestly....
I like to read other people's blogs. My favorites are listed as links on this page. Noel, Paul, Andrea and Arloa all work at Breakthrough. It's just a coinkie dink that they are all my fav blogs and work there. Paul recently posted a blog about the imposition of being homeless. That is one of the inspirations for this blog. I have been thinking alot about that since he wrote it, kind of always in the back of my mind until this situation. It wasn't something I was going to write about, but I admire how Andrea and Noel post things that were difficult situations and they learned from, even as it shows their inherent sinfulness/pride as human. So here is mine, I feel it's only fair....

I have a friend. He used to be homeless. I spend time with him. You can't tell anymore that he was homeless. Since he is still struggling, I often take him to food pantries. My boyfriend came along to some last week. He got some food also and gave most of it to our friend. At one pantry in the heart of Boystown, I helped first my friend pack up a bag of food and then my boyfriend. An older, cranky gentleman that worked there came over and said, "Who are you? Are you from some kinda organization or something?" I said, "No. Why?" He said, "Well, you have these two fellas with you, all that food is not for you, is it? What are you doing? How do you know them?" I stammered, and stuttered, and replied something like, "Um, no, it's not for me. I don't need food. I just brought them here" and seriously, then something about being a Christian and helping people. WHAT? My boyfriend kind of looked at me confused as to why I was so obviously flustered and at a loss for words. Other pantry workers stopped me and apologized for the man's seeming harshness and intrusion and I was like "yeah whatever, I drove them both here. "
Later, we went to a church for dinner where the homeless gather. My friend wanted to go there and see everyone he used to see and check in. I thought it would be great to visit with the other (homeless) guys I haven't seen in a while. I felt weird about eating the food though, because I didn't need it. I was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, had my hair pulled back, no make-up and probaly tired looking. Some of the women that were serving, I caught looking at me like they felt bad for me. I was one of few women there, and the youngest by far. I caught myself feeling like I wanted them to know I WAS NOT HOMELESS, I didn't need this food, that I was there visiting. I realized how prideful that was of me and I turned to Marquis and shared this feeling. He said he thought that what I felt earlier at the pantry when I responded so weirdly, but he wasn't going to say anything. He didn't seem to have this problem. Then, again, he isn't too caught up ever with what people think. I didn't think I did either. But then, when I sat there amongst the needy and thought I was loving them, in fact I was trying so hard to make sure no one saw me as one of them. That is not love. This was a week ago and I am still sooo ashamed of myself. I had no idea I was so shallow and prideful. I am so hard on others for setting the homeless apart or "othering" them and there I sat, thinking I was better than them?
May God forgive me for thinking in some way that I was better because He has blessed me with a home, food, resources, etc.
And may those men that surrounded me, so happy to have me join them forgive me for not wanting to be one of them.
And somehow, may I work through this to forgive myself.
There is my honesty.
And may you forgive me, too.

2 comments:

daMamma said...

go to Paul Linkart's blog page... look at his OTHER KICKING BLOGS area and hit Tim Schrader's blog... and look for The GOD AREN'T ANGRY - and let Mq read it... GOD IS LOVE...

Aaron said...

Wow!
Sarah this was a great post! You are not the only one who has struggled with being "one" of "them."
But at the end of the day aren't we all "one" of "them."
Completely needy, desperate, and filled with insecurities.
Grace is not of this world!!!!!
Great post and thanks for the honesty! Keep posting!