gritty streets in my life

I feel as if I have an absence of positive female leadership in my life. I have grown up so long without a strong Christian influence, albeit a female one, that I am not sure how to handle the advent of one now. I also am very closed off to sharing about my life. I recently have been inundated with this term and idea of being transparent. How terrifying and what a true test of being accountable. I am at such a weird place, being 28 but in college, being mature in the dealings of the streets and Chicago and life in all its hardships and failings, yet so young in the faith. I am craving women to come alongside me and teach me, but terrified to be judged and even more scared to have these relationships fail because of my harshness or stubborness or the inability of these long time Christian women to speak to me in a voice I can understand. I am at this new church and want to reach out and meet people but find myself scared they will see me for who I am, a messed up sinner so desperately in need of God's grace. WHy do I constantly feel that my sins are worse than everyone else's? I clearly know and communicate to people who think that they are too messed up for Christ or that He has forgotten them that God is big enough for all that. And I believe that. When i visit the homeless under the bridges in the dark, cold of Chicago winters and find them engaging in illegal and immoral activities I hug them and say No, God has not forgotten you, ya dig? He loves you and all this sin and bad stuff doesn't matter. When people often feel worse than others or that their sins and indiscretions are so bad I remind them of this story I once heard from a pastor in the city, that as God looks down from Heaven upon the sins of the world they all look the same. A lie is as sinful as murder as sexual immorality as worshipping false idols. All are sins and all can be forgiven due to Christ's death on the cross. Its like looking down upon a house and the Sears tower from space, the difference in height from earth is monumental and overpowering but from so far beyond us up above they look about the same.
Then, knowing all this, believing all this,,, why am I so ashamed of my indiscretions? Why do I still feel so guilty and horrible and seriously paralyzed by fear of people finding out that I do bad things, just like everyone else?
I dont know.