Tuesday, March 31, 2009

God is Sovereign

i was really anxious today. I am prone to panicky-ness. Today was bad.Real bad. Scary bad.

For the past two days, I have had this knot in my chest of worry or nervousness,(for those of you that really know me i have been shaking my hands continuously and searching for my inhaler).....for many reasons.
This blog is not about why.
This blog is about who.


No matter what I did today, I couldnt rest. I tried to pray, i read the bible, i called a friend (alas, the wrong friend), i laid in bed, I took a long shower, i painted, i went to work a little late,i stopped at two friends houses, i pet my dog, i pet my cat, i walked around, i cried, i paced, i drove, i worked, i sang, i counted to five, NOTHING... it was real bad.

I was on my way home and I stopped at Michaels Art store to get something for a project I am working on for my friend, and as I pulled out onto the street I was totally blinded. TOTALLY. It had just stopped raining really hard and as I turned my car onto the street the sun blasted me in the face. The gloom was still there from the heavy storm but the brilliant setting sun angled through and completely blinded me. It was the weirdest sun I have ever seen. The dark ominous clouds had not cleared at all but in the middle and over the top was this bright yellow orange fire which was dissipating it all. I was struck, overcome, halted, I dont know if I kept driving or not. The sight was beautiful and so brilliant. the word brilliant is not magnificent enough for me to communicate how breathtakingly amazing this was to experience and behold. I eventually kept driving but i remember thinking "this is too beautiful to be of this world." "How great is our God" "This is what it will look like when Christ comes back"
I thought momentarily, Christ had come back....This amazing shower, no tidal wave of relief flooded over me and I cried out "jesus. please"
that was my prayer.
that was it.
I found myself hoping that was true.
I wanted it to be over, this life.....I wanted jesus here now.
In a split second, i felt the relief that would bring; no more worry, no more pain, no more scared, no more alone, no more brokenness, no more trying every day just to fail, no more no more no more.

I kept driving.

as i turned down the next street I drove between two forest preserves and was stopped by 3 deer crossing the street. the last one stopped and looked back at me. i stopped and stared. I watched them enter the forest. I watched the one go to a stream and bend down to drink, its thick reddish brown furry tail flicking....

Heaven met earth. right there.

Praise God.

"I will praise God in this storm,
I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
These tears I cry
you hold in your hand
you never left my side
even though my heart is torn
i will praise You in this storm."
--Casting Crowns

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