Thursday, March 26, 2009

I am quitting the track team....

I am a runner.
Not like in real life....I actually cant run at all.
How ironic! I broke both of my ankles and ripped all the tendons twice on each leg so I am basically unable to really run for extensive distances. I also trip 8 out of 10 times when going up the stairs because I cant flex my foot well in that way (plantar inflexion).

But relationally speaking, I am a huge fast long distance runner. Usually when people hurt me I pick up and leave. I walk away. Apparently, I'm like Cartman on South Park "Screw you guys, Im going home." But I dont just go home where you can find me, abstractly speaking I move and leave no forwarding address, I change my number and enter the witness protection program.

I learned this from a legacy of leaving, quitting, ignoring, stop talking to you, hanging up, "I hate you" and other things.

This is not a legacy I want to continue.

I want to hang up the running shoes and take off my number. Its not a race you ever win really. Its like a never ending relay.

I think I enter into community and friendship with one foot.

My friend last night told me that. I have done that a million times and honestly, I never thought about what that was doing to my friends. I just assumed that they didnt care really. When you get in a fight, its just over and thats that. When he told me that it made him sad and then he felt like he couldnt trust me to be there, my heart broke. I was so broke as all the people I have walked away from flooded my mind. Even today, a slow parade of people I have left have marched through my mind and pulled the strings of my heart. I never stopped to think they actually cared.I guess I thought of relationships ultimately as very temporary. If you have ever talked to me though, I am OBCESSED with people not leaving. I actually was shy to be friends with one of my friends right now because she has plans of moving to a foreign county in like 9 years. I wish I was kidding. My other friend plans to go to Columbia (the country, not the college) to be a missionary in a year and a half and as SOON as that person told me that I stopped calling them as much and it is TOTALLY the reason we are not that close now. I bet that sounds stupid.

Everytime someone walked away from me, it hurt and I hated it. I hated that feeling so much and it happened so incredibly often that somewhere in my teenage years I started deciding that I was not going to let that happen anymore. I laced up these running shoes and and took off as soon as I thought the other person was even contemplating leaving or taking a break from me. Did I think it hurt less if I left first?

It doesnt.

So I am walking on this new ground...I can see myself stepping onto it today. There are very few people there that I have my eye on and they are beckoning to me. As I step off the track and onto the soft green grass, fear courses through my blood and turns my stomach. I'm not looking away though. And I am going to keep walking.

Trust comes from being faithful. Faithfulness takes time to prove.
Like the waves of the ocean upon the sand......

There is no fear in love, perfect love casts out fear... John 4:18

I'm getting there.
There is so much I dont know.


Anonymous said...

"I would have gone if you would have called me, B@#$%!"

Sarah said...

YOU definitely marched through my mind today. I love you buddy....AND I miss you.

(anonymous posters drive my crazy....leave your name...I guess this one was not SO anonymous since I knew it was you as soon as I read it.)

What was it I didnt call you about? Walking black dog?I cant remember.