Sunday, March 16, 2008

Blasts from the Past

My mom came over tonight. She helped me finish rearrange my little living space. It is so great, this configuration she came up. I just needed a fresh pair of eyes to scope out the best layout. I needed a change, and I feel refreshed. I created an office of sorts and I think it will help me to have a place to focus on business, the business of school. So she came bearing an enormous box of my stuff. Apparently, it has been cluttering up her house since I moved out 9 years ago! I sat down tonight and looked over everything and threw most of it out. It was correspondence from family and friends when I lived in Florida, multiple journals from my life, and miscellaneous stuff of all sorts. I was sad and disturbed to read over my journals and see the ridiculousness of my life. Depression, anxiety and lots of wasted time pining over relationships gone astray. It pained me to remember those lost times. Several times in my journals I asked God where He was in all this pain and sadness. I struggled with severe depression until about 5 years ago. I am still struck with anxiety but have a much better handle on everything. It's hard to see how I struggled so much to get where I am and my heart feels heavy tonight. Why didn't I understand about God earlier and how might that have changed my life? I was such a mess and maybe that is why at 28 I am years behind other people my age. Do i regret my decisions? I always use to pride myself on living no regrets and being tough as nails but reflecting on my most private, unabashed moments and seeing the deep conflict in my heart I wonder? I did find this cute poem I wrote in 4th grade though:
I am a rainbow.
I can make others happy
Just as a rainbow has many different shades and hues,
I have many different feelings and ideas.
A rainbow reflects goodness and happiness and so can I.
A rainbow is pure and independent.
:).

1 comment:

Just Meee~ said...

Sometimes it's good to l@@k back and see where we were, take a breath, and be refreshed to take on new and more challenging challenges.

You've come a long way, baby!