One of my friends did something that hurt me. It was something repeated and deliberate. It involved time and a total violation of my trust. I am so angry. In all actuality, I only get angry for one reason = because I am hurt.
This past week I have been praying for this friend. Even when I dont want to, I force out a tight lipped request for God to heal my heart and allow grace and love to pour forth from God onto this friend.
Also, I have been really ruminating on the concepts of grace and forgiveness. Such beautiful words. Grace. Forgiveness. I denied the request to meet with this person on the grounds that I was not ready to forgive yet, not ready to be loving. I guess I had just assumed that in a few weeks as the memory and sharpness of what happened dulled, I could feel forgiveness and grace and love. But that is not the true work of forgiveness or grace. That would be time healing my wounds and since it didnt hurt anymore I could forget about it and be nice, which I would pretend was forgiveness and grace. Once I realized that, I felt like I was confused about what forgiveness and grace really is and how to do it.
I know that I cant want bad things to happen to the people who hurt me. I am fully aware that I cant desire retribution or vengenance or even justice. I DO NOT WANT JUSTICE, ever. I cant demand justice for others, then embrace and cling to grace for myself. I DO NOT WANT JUSTICE from God. Justice from God would be separation from his Love and presence due to my sinful ways and repeated denial and refusal to acknowledge Him as Lord. I embrace Christ. The only way to the Father is through the Son. I cant desire justice at any level for others, then accept grace for myself.
So now what....what is the act of forgiving and grace, if its not time healing my wounds and allowing me to continue?
As I prayed, it was revealed to me. The picture of grace and forgiveness is Christ on the cross. His painful death. His assuming a fallible form as human and dying at our hands. His assuming the power and breadth of the wrath of God so we can be reconciled unto the Father. His love for us.
All of a sudden forgiveness and grace didnt just mean pretty words with peacful meanings. Forgiveness and Grace are verbs, hard, difficult words that mean action and trying. Tears and work. To give up yourself and your pain and hurt for another.
To love another especially when they dont deserve it, and are not sorry for what they have done. To see someone else as all they could be in God's kingdom and realize we ALL fall short of the glory of God for we ALL have sinned.
Forgiveness and Grace.
Sarah's at work.
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4 comments:
Um . . . "grace" and "forgiveness" are actually both nouns, unless you're using the word "grace" like, "I am gracing you with my presence."
Verbs are action words, goofball.
so I was using them as verbs ON PURPOSE. Because grace and forgiveness are not abstract people, places or things(nouns) to me anymore. They require action.
"tears and work."
I do love grammar though, thanks for looking out.
You wouldn't thank me if you knew my religious non-affiliation. I guess you can just pray for me.
hey anonymous,
I love you. Even if you are religiously non affiliated.
I dont really consider myself religiously affiliated too much.... God didnt make religion. Dont let people screw it up for you.
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