Thursday, July 31, 2008


Why is it so hard for me? I want to meet new people that are Christian and value the same things that I do but it is a nightmare to me to actually do that. I hate hate hate talking about myself and sharing details of my life. I don't have a neat and tied up testimony that I feel comfortable sharing. Maybe I should get to work on that...?

I dont know what to share, what not to share, what I wont feel naked and exposed and vulnerable later for having shared.

There is a line between being transparent and honest and my personal privacy but I am not sure where that line is drawn right now, and I am stepping so carefully to not mess it up. But then is that really transparent? Doesnt everyone, even CHristians, reveal only what they want others to see? Honestly, though is anyone really transparent? I think that most people are like translucent- let some light through and you can see there is something there but not as clear as a window and not opaque letting no light through.
I am pondering. Maybe scrambling as I attempt to enter a new community of women and other Christians. It is seriously so foreign to me, its like another language and code of conduct ( code of the christian streets, haha) that I am not totally familiar with.

Usually, I sit by quietly observing and figuring out what to do and what I want to do and then like months later I can dip a toe in the water and feel it all out. Last night at my first women's bible study it was just all out cannonball in the water and Who am I and who are you. It was refreshing and enjoyable to an extent, but I left and felt worried and sensitive and out of place. I seriously stayed up half the night being like what if they know this about me? Or that I did that? Which sins are too big to share with other people (not God)? Or if they really knew that I swear or if they dont think I should date or etc then everything will be ruined? Paranoia. For real. Trusting is not my strong suit. But I dont think its unfounded. This intentional attempt at a positive community is tearing me apart, but in the end will it help stitch it all back together and be fortifying and edifying?

1 comment:

KG said...

I think this is a tension and a struggle that we all feel. Obviously, different people feel it at different levels.

I think that your caution about vulnerability is wise. You can't just share everything with everybody (even if they are "Christian"). It can be just too painful. On the other hand, I feel that it is wise to be real with people. Open up to people that you feel that you can trust. If trust comes hard for you, then this will be more difficult and more risky.
I personally feel that it is better to let a "few" in on a lot than to let a lot in on a little bit. In other words, find people who you can share the struggles of your life with. But don't feel guilty for not pouring your guts out to everyone and their momma.

I don't know if this is helpful, but I do think that your feelings are not uncommon.